h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[Ran] That's okay, happens all the time.

*strolls in, clad all in black... her only visible weapon a whip*

Oh... is this supposed to be an attack on CHOPPERS? You Stumpy guys sure are making a dull attempt. I hope no one minds... we've parked our Zeppelin of E-vil outside... don't bother looking for it, it's quite well disguised.

*hurls fruit bowl to the ground, stomps on it's contents with knee high black leather boots*

*The doors slam open, tearing mostly off their hinges as Mystrunner strides through, cloak billowing, and pauses, looking around.*

What memories. Joined STUMPED and CHOPPERS both, neither seemed to do... I've found my nitch, however.

*Twitches aside his cloak, giving a quick glimpse of very sharp things underneath. A small vial drops to the ground, and begins bio-degrading any oak in the area.*

*glares in a heroic way at the villain ..... or villains ..... starts to be a bit confused*

*Crashes in through a large window while everyone else was looking at everyone else.*

*Stands up menacingly picking pieces of glass out of his heavy black cloak.*

*Hisses wickedly* Don't be confused, your evil escorts have arived. We've come to take you to your graves!

*A large, friendly-looking, fluffy cloud drifts gently overhead*

*That's all *

*with a flashing smile, a chiseled chin and with his cape billowing out behind him he pulls out his Hero Dial (A971471) and dials H-E-R-O. Red Dog goes sort of out of focus for a moment before reappearing as ..... *

~Laxative Lad~

Hello Chaps ..... you're going to be a bit squirty if you don't behave yourselves

*Stares, agast.*

I daresay you are probably the most disgusting person I have ever seen in my entire life.

That's rich coming from a .....

~pauses for effect~

...... a traitor !

Yes we know about your change of allegience Mystrunner - the time of reckoning will come soon.

*With a sinister sneer, shifty eyes and with his black cloak billowing out behind him he pulls out his trusty...cork*

'Scuse me for a minute...

*...and runs behind a changing screen. A few muffled swearwords may be heard, but not by younger audiences. Leaps out from behind screen with no apparent change, looking somewhat uncomfortable but still quite smug*

Your laxatives have no effect on us...we came prepared

* Ran dies at the sight of this *

That's only the start Mr Legion ...... can you feel the pressure building up as we speak. The cork and a six inch nail wouldn't prevent what is about to happen to you soon

I didn't want to do this, but you force my hand...behold!

*Reaches into cloak, holds up sinister black colostomy bag, specially fitted for the occasion...and full to bursting*

Yes, I pre-empted you and drained my own body fluids. That's taken a little bit of the 'wind' out of your sails, mwahaha! (Nothing says e-vil like a bad pun, I've always felt.) And now what shall I do with this...?

*Lobs colostomy bag into the CHOPPERS canteen, where it busts explosively, splattering the kitchen surfaces with fluids*

Hmmmm .... that's made a bit of a mess

Still the food was terrible anyway.

I wonder if you know you're starting to wrinkle terribly from the overzealous draining of body fluids ?

What kind of megalomaniac would I be if I didn't moisturise?

*Claps hands. A leather-clad underling slinks out, pouts and holds out a little white-and-blue tube to him*

Mm, Neutrogena. The Norwegian fishermen swear by it, you know.

*Squeezes out some and begins applying it. Wrinkling goes down*

Lovely. Now you die! Mwaha!

*Squad of ZoE troopers burst through the doors and start firing harpoon-guns and machine-pistols at the heroes*

*slowly ambles to a place of safety - sure in the knowledge that he is in no harm as the Law of Heroic cliches dictates that the first shots or burst of fire from Villains always misses, and is there just to announce that a fight will be taking place*

*By the corresponding Laws of Supervillainhood which dictate he must always make it to the final reel, has set up a sinister black folding chair and is eating a sandwich and sipping a beverage*

Yum. Ham.

You sure you don't want to kill any of these red jerseys? I've basically got an infinite number, so lash away...

*makes it to an upturned table in the remains of the canteen ..... out of sheer mischeviousness he uses his Laxative superpowers to cause every Red Shirted henchman to make a large deposit in their shreddies before calling back to Mr Legion*

We know all about your henchmen - the Laws of Heroic cliches means that they're always slow, heavy and dull witted and are never a real threat. If we don't get them you will for failing .... we have never worked out how you never seem to run out of them though - the job doesn't seem that attractive from our perspective.

*turns to face the ridiculously large number of villainour marksmen who have all miss after several shots with their high powered weapons. Laxative Lad pulls out a small gun that looks like a toy and starts picking off the Villains from half a mile away, hitting them mostly in the forehead*

Ahhh - very satisfying

[Ape] A Villain invoking the laws of Superheroes vs. Villainy. /That's/ something you don't see every day.

[Yar] You got that right.

[Monster Plant] FEED ME SEYMOUR!

[Yar] [sighs] Bring out the Auto Seymour Maker.

[The ape briefly leaves and returns with a large machine the words "AUTO SEYMOUR MAKER" on the side. The ape presses a button and Seymour from Final Fantasy 10 is launched from the machine into the monster plant's mouth.]

*Stares in horror at both sides.*

I'm going home!

*Shudders, and stalks out.*