h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Dear Dai,

Yes. Muffin the Mule (or indeed any other animal) is illegal in most countries.
The thing that's truly worrying is that there used to be a childrens programme based on this practice.

Dear Mr D

This is my concern, he also spoke of Dobbin the Donkey and enjoying a lick of the cat while at sea, I have to admit I pulled the tall boy against the bedroom door that night.

Should I be more flexible in my approach to such friendships or stick with a rigid regime?

Dai

Dear Dai,

Stick with a rigid regime. That way not only will you be able to select your friends more carefully, but you will be able to make them do your bidding.

Dear Mr D

The last time I made someone do my bidding I ended up paying way too much for some useless tat on EBay, are you sure its a good idea?

Dai

Dear Dai,

While you can find some real gems on eBay, if you have had problems of this sort in the past then I'd recommend only making your friends do your fixed-price online ordering and maybe the weekly shop.

Dear Mr Dreadful,

The Wurzels recently applied to join my pirate crew and, given their west-country accents and red bandanas, I felt obliged to take them on board. However, instead of the usual jolly pirate shanties like "Keel haul the lubber matey" and "The grog of my wench's parrot", my crew now insist on singing "I've got a brand new combine harvester" and "I am a cider drinker". What is a self-respecting pirate (moose) to do?

Yours,

Pirate Moose

Dear Moose,

It's simple. Change the lyrics of the offending songs so they read: "I've got a brand new 100-gun Man O' War." and "I am a rancid grog drinker."

Dear Mr Dreadful,

Recently I have noticed that my cluster is lacking lustre. Will dangling it in Clit Bang restore it to it's former glory. Especially first thing in the morning.

Yours aye,
McRoss o' McRoss

Dear Mr. McRoss,

Yes, but it may have to be in there substatially longer than shown.

Hi, I'm Scarry Bott...

Dear Mr Dreadful,

Ahm hesitant tae go intae details, especially of an anatomical nature, but the length is something I have nae control over if ye ken wot ah mean.

McRoss o'McRoss

Dear Mr. McRoss,

I'm not entirely sure what it is you're getting at, but I usually find a quick trim at my local barber evens things out a treat. It only costs a fiver.

Aye wheal, am noo havin no poncey hair dresser clippin awa at ma clustre. An for FIVE POONDS, FIVE POONDS, man ya must be made o monny, Mrs Fraser al just run the sheep shears over it when spring comes aroon in August as per usual. An if it's all the same tae yooo ahll jest stick to MacSporrans improved Knacker Lacker Agricultural strength.

McRoss o'McRoss

Dear Mr. Dreadful,

I have a problem getting pirates to return library books on time. They give me bogus addresses like King's Warf, Slip 4, Berth 7. When I try to find them to retrieve our books, I often find that Slip 4 has been turned into a floating casino and Berth 7 is now occupied by a roulette wheel.

And when they finally do return the books, they try to pay their fines with those little gold foil wrapped chocolate coins. My bank will not give us credit for chocolate coins.

What should I do? I can't afford to keep replacing all of our books about parrots.

Dear Hypatia,

Install cannon by the door and keep a cutlass under the desk, these are things which pirates will understand and are generally the only way to make a pirate part with any real money.

Another alternative would be to invest in a travelling library-ship which can chase down the tardy pirates whilst also offering a small but diverse selection of the latest books.

Dear Mr Dreadful,

On my quest for the Holy Elk the One True Bob appeared to me in a dream and told me that on Thursday I will find the Elk and must ridicule him. Shall I shoot my wooden arrows with the suckers on the ends at him, or should I just call him a silly billy?

TF-P

Aye there you are,
A well respected doyen of the Agony Aunties Guild like youself is, I'm sure, always open to serious works of research if only for future reference in order to dispense your particular brand of wisdom. I think I detected a wee thoughty o doubt regarding the noble sport of haggis hunting a whiley ago. Hence I submit the following link for your edification.

McRoss o'McRoss

http://haggishunt.scotsman.com/

dear mr dreadful
my christmas holidays still havent finished. the boredom seems to have kicked in. what can i do?

Dear Chicken,

Do neither. Put him in make-up and lacy underwear while he sleeps and towel-whip him awake. Only then can you start calling him names.

Dear Hnicky,

The Christmas holidays will only end when you have completed the Great Quest. Find the secret monastery on top of Ben Nevis and the Grand Master will advise you on what to do next.

Well, you sound like you need a hobby.

mr dreadfull recently have been involved on a thread where sentance was used several times by grammer gods. who are these wonderfull persona,
as i aspire to do better justice to this fair toungue of ours can you help stop my complete and utter BASTARDIZATION of the English toungue!