h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Dear Mrs Dreadful,

Could you please start a new thread - 'Ask Mrs Dreadful' - as this one has degenerated into testosterone-filled machismo - cars/darts/airfreshener, etc.

I'm in desperate need of some girly advice - far too embarassing to discuss on a uni-sex thread.

For example:
Top tips to keep your pirate's preferred weapon in tip-top condition;
Black spots - spa treatment or plastic surgery?;
How many men can you have on a dead man's chest?;
10 ways to keep his Roger Jolly - Cilit Bang or good old elbow grease?;
Blunderbuss or cutlass - which way does your man swing?;
and - for the Anne Bonny's amongst us:
How to terrorise the Spanish Main and escape the hangman's noose.

Yo ho ho and a bottle of Bacardi Breezer

P.S. Please don't let hubby move this thread again - got so confused last time I keel-hauled the parrot and put a scabby dog on my shoulder and the usual dandruff shampoo isn't helping at all.

dear mr dreadfull,
i'm very confused now,
[[
Dear Logicus,

I can indeed help.
Let's start with an analysis of you post:<<<YOUR WORDS)
]]I said name calling upset me!!!
now you are telling every body i am someything else
is this slander or libeal ?
still waiting for marj proops answer
this no 6 bus is it the clockwise route or anti clockwise route ?

Dear Jazzhag,

It's sounds to me that you're asking for a pirate womens magazine (kind of like Cosmo but with more Long Nines and chainshot I assume). Unfortunately Mrs. Dreadful is still quite new to this 'ere H2G2 lark and is mostly concentrating on lurking... to scout out the lie of the land (or sea, even) as it were. Mrs. Dreadful may do a one-off special in the future.

Sorry about moving the thread but it was starting to get stroppy about having to hang around with all the other threads in Ask H2G2. Hopefull I'll be able to keep this where it is and just have the Post column as a monthly 'best of'.

*Momentarily hands over to Mrs. D*
To answer the question "how many men can you have on a dead man's chest": Sixteen, of course... call yerself a pirate? Be sure to keep a cat o' nine tails handy!

*Control passes back to Mr. D*

Dear Logicus,

Listen, you bloody post, I have already put a disclaimer on the main Mr. Dreadful page absolving me from practically everything (although I think it would be considered libel as it is the written word in question here).

Who is Marj Proops, anyway?

Dear Mr Dreadful,

You sound quite stressed out - you omitted the asterisks in the word bl**dy - would you like to talk about what is worrying you? - Auntie Jazzhag's listening.

How long have you had this compulsive jealousy syndrome regarding Mrs Dreadful?

Would you say you feel threatened by her potential for success and can't cope with the fact she might outshine you?

Is that why you keep her barefoot and chained to the galley?

Why haven't all my questions been answered?

dear mr dreadfull
i apologise most sincerly if indeed you are stressed,mother in laws can do that to you, marj proops is the uk equiv of germaine greer who i understand is on her way round to you to discuss the some points raised.
here.
i thought the beeb had been talking to her about ,

ps it is the typed word unless you can leave a copy on the bus, then i can put it on ebay , along with a origanol resignation letters from T.Blair ,and some yank named after a tree , no come to think twat was it aha yes
Bush, new had something to do with twats

Dear Mr Dreadful

If somebody uses a particularly shockingly rude word twice in a single post, and the first time appears to be a typo, but the second time isn't, should I yikes the post or should I find it mildly amusing?

Mrs Stawt

Dear Jazzhag,

I'm not stressed at all (la, la, la), I wasn't even aware that 'bloody' (or 'bl**dy' if you prefer) was even counted as a 'proper' swear word nowadays.

I'm not jealous of Mrs. Dreadful on account of the fact that I'm brilliant. Mrs. Dreadful will answer your questions when she feels confident enough about posting on H2G2 (seriously: she's still a newbie and is a bit nervous about doing much more than lurking at the mo').

PS I don't keep her barefoot and chained to the galley... she can put her shoes on whenever she wants.

Dear Logicus,

If you really wish to pursue this further the documents have been carelessly left on the number 19 bus.

PS What have the Beeb been to Marj Proops about?

Dear Mrs. Stwat,

For now I would remain mildly amused, the word in question is not one of the 'big three' and has become so diluted by it's constant use on TV that it's not really that offensive anymore.

(On a slighty more serious note: I'd just like to reiterate that while I'll tolerate slight curviature of the House Rules, any unasterisked f's, c's and s's which are posted here and are not a geniune mistake WILL be yikes'd)

The PS on post 89 SHOULD read: What have the Beeb been talking to Marj Proops about? And me a Grammar God as well.

(The usage of 'and' at the beginning of a sentance is acceptable in informal grammar)

Dear Mr. Dreadful,

I need some advice about how to keep mules off my patio.
Thank you.

Lil

Well really, what next I ask you, there I am desperate for advice and when I reach out for my favourite Agony Aunt, nothing, nadah, gone, disappeared like a well trousered ferret on a frosty morning. Anyway never mind I’ve routled around and found you and not a moment too soon.

Well were to start. That Olga, well, after the incident with the custard powder I laughed. I laughed so much I nearly filled my Tena lady mini. What with her sliding around the dance floor with a custard covered polecat and the Fosdyke Dyke Diggers annual outing trying to push their fifty pences in her bra it was all a bit Fred Karno, Anyway Olga grabbed the polecat and threatened to insert it where the sun don’t shine. Well, I tell you, I’m not known as Anyway Albert for nothing but the prospect of exchanging bodily fluids with a six foot two, 48 DD, high heeled, fish netted perspiring pole just didn’t push my button, I can tell you.

So I’m out of there faster than a Jock who’s just heard happy hour’s starting half an hour early. High heels aren’t the easiest things to run in but neither are pink fluffy mules and everything would have been ok except for the ice. Well I didn’t know plod was lurking around the corner and it wasn’t me wot rammed the polecat up his truncheon pouch. That must have happened when Olga tailgated us. Well talk about sexist. All plod was concerned with was assisting the nice young lady. I’ve heard of a fireman’s lift but even Olga went a bit cross eyed when he grabbed her. So says plod wots a snotty little pervert like you doing to a lovely lady like this. I ask you he must have been desperate.

Anyway my question for you Mr Dreadful is, can you get a QC on legal aid.

Albert Ross Esq
CDM VD and Scar
Cell 6
City Bridewell

Dear Lil,

Hmmm... this is a tricky one. If it wasn't against so many laws I'd advise installing a minefield, so instead I shall advise that you install a 10-foot electric fence complete with sentry towers, searchlights and attack dogs (available from most branches of Toys R Us. Kids, eh?).

Unless, of course, you mean 'mules' as in 'footwear' in which case you need only install a shoe rack.

Dear Mr. Ross,

If you keep the stilettos on you'll find the QCs queueing to take your case.

I don't know whether attack dogs will be of any use, and he wouldn't be on my patio if fences were the solution:

http://www.asterlil.com/killermule.htm

And the animal this mule is killing is a mountain lion. Observe the useless attack dogs in the background.

Dear Lil,

In that case I think you might have to go with the minefield (*adopts stereotypical Mafia voice* I won't say nuthin' if you don't say nuthin').

Of course the mines will ruin any lawns and flowerbeds you may have.

Dear Mr Dreadful,

Do you ever wish you hadn't ever started something that you might never be able to finish?

Love from Jazzhag

P.S. Mrs Dreadful - I'm shy too, but, as I'm pretending to be someone else who's not so it's fine. Why don't you throw off your shackles, sign on as 'Mrs Perfect' or any other pseudonym of your choice and start answering my questions?
I really, really do want to know your opinion regaring Cilit Bang v elbow grease apropos of Jolly Roger

Dear Jazzhag,

Wherever and whenever a fellow researcher has a problem I'll be there. But, yes, it has occured to me that Ask Mr. Dreadful may never end... but I shall soldier on until all of H2G2s problems are solved.

I shall pass your message on to Mrs. D.