h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Dear Jazzhag,

Mrs. Dreadful is my wife... I didn't make her up, honest...

Definitely not my daughter!! That's more a case of bad wording used to fill out a post.

Dear Mr Dreadful,

Phew - that's a relief, please be more careful in future as I am easily confused!

So, how long have you been separated (or don't you want to talk about it?) Hope you and Mrs Dreadful patch it up soon.

P.S. Do you own a deerstalker hat?

Dear Jazzhag,

Mrs. Dreadful and myself are still happily married, it's just that I don't do mornings very well.

I'm afraid that I don't own a deerstalker.

Dear Mr Dreadful,

As you well know I am a haggis stalker. Maybe we could come to some sort of arrangement.

McRoss o'McRoss

Dear Mr. McRoss,

Haggis-stalker hats, eh? I can see a market there... if we start with the hats and then move into the publishing business with some Sherlock McHolmes books (written by Sir Arthur Conan McDoyle) and then continue in this vein, I reckon the world could be Scottish by about lunchtime on the 6th November.

Dear Mr Dreadful,

As a man o great wealth, FIVE POONDS for a hair cut, I wondered if you'd consider purchasing my old tammy. It's only a wee bit worn, years of wear left in it, only one careful owner from new. Yours for, lets say £150, eh, eh. You'd look jest fine in an authentic Haggis Stalker. Send the money, usual route.

McRoss o'McRoss

Dear Mr. McRoss,

An authentic Tammy would be very nice, thank you.

I'll leave the money in a Haggis decoy behind the usual rock on the Mull of Kintyre.

dear mrs dreadful
have you ever considered havng your own problem page so the lads dont get al the fun?
hnicky

Dear Everybody,

Hnicky's post has reminded me about an important announcement.

Now, nothing's definite yet, but I am currently corresponding with Shazz about the possiblity of having Ask Mr. Dreadful become part of the H2G2 Post.

dear mr dreadful
the h2g2 post?
what is that?
hnicky

Dear Hnicky,

Click here: <.>thepost<./>

Dear Hnicky,

Arse... that didnae work.

Try this: http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/brunel/thepost

Dear Mr Dreadful,

As the appointed agent for McRoss o'McRoss, Albert Ross Esq, Ms Olga Press and Big Larry I write to request a meeting to discuss fees for your forthcoming publicity venture. While my clients are as enthusiatic as ever to benefit from your out pourings they do feel that moving your organ to a higher plane might compromise the essential aunty / client confidentiality that hitherto had been a prominent feature of their relationship with you.

Not withstanding the foregoing we wish to make it clear that we as the first part wish to retain our commercial position within the proposed relationship. However if circulation of said publication should increase due to my clients spontaneous literary ejaculations then a fee will ensue. A fiver should cover it.

I remain yours,
Manny Rosstein,
Rosstein, Grabit and Shove
Agents to the Stars

Dear Manny Rosstein,

This sounds fine to me, but I'll have to consult my agent as to whether this will be a viable agreement.

*Hands over to big red-faced man in an expensive suit.*

Howdy! This is Bob Dewey, I think the deal should be altered. Mr. Dreadful will now give your clients £100 for every letter printed. Money to be left on the number 6 bus.

Yours,
Bob Dewey.
Dewey, Scrooemm and Howe.
Agents to the Stairs.

Oy vay,
Bobby, Bobby, my boy, my life you drive a hard bargain. How's an honest man supposed to earn a crust. I have my expenses don't you know. A man could perish on these rates. What do I tell my clients. They'll linch me. OK done. Leave it under the front seat, upstairs and don't forget the bit off the top for me.

Manny.

Pleasure doing business with you.

Bob Dewey.

*Hands thread back to Mr. Dreadful.*

I really need to get a new agent.

Dear Mr Dreadful,

I think I now understand what car Jesus would drive, but please could you fill me in with the following:

What car would Satan drive?

Which air-freshener would Jesus use?

Which 3-dart outshot from 123 would God choose?

Thanks,

Icy

Dear Icy North,

Satan drives a Smart Car.

Jesus uses one of those air-fresheners which looks like traffic lights.

I asked God about the 3-dart outshot, but all he said was "I've got to maintain SOME bloody mystery."

Thanks Mr D,

I myself would open with treble 19, as a single 19 still allows treble 18, bull.

I think God's been psychologically scarred by that dartitis incident. Best not mention it at Judgement day.

Cheers, Icy

Dear Icy North,

I'll make sure I skirt around the subject.