h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Dear I.B.,

Is it just his name that's causing the problem? If so get him to change it by Deed Poll to something you find more alluring. I would also recommend making him have a shower, you don't know where he's been.
If you don't like his tone send him to elocution lessons.

Dear Jazzhag,

Sorry if my advice regarding the Black Spot didn't work, I had forgotten that Clearasil doesn't actually work unless you are a fresh faced teen with a tiny spot that can easily be sorted out with concealer.

Deer mistur

i asked him to change his name and he shouted down at me that he would only consider sedgewick.. i dont like sedgewick -
am i being too picky?

anyway he's not that good lookin and i'm dressed an all now.....can't be arsed..

i'm wondering if there's a limit to how many problems you can solve for one individual
beacuse i have a lot of problems

Dear I.B.,

I don't think you're being too picky, Sedgewick is an atrocious name.

As far as I know there is no limit to the amount of problems I can solve for one person... Hell, it'll increase your chances of being put on my column (matron!) in the Post.

dear mr dreadful

although you have fantastic advice most of the time, this time it is not so great.
the student bar closed for christmas. it opens on friday nights. but the rest of the time it is closed until the new bar opens in the new building.
i would go into town but as there is no one in the halls at the moment it would require walking across parkers piece in cambridge, where girls are not aloud to go by them selves anymore after the events of new years eve.
do you have any alternative ways to avoid the wake up call?

yours
an incredible tired student
hnicky

Dear Hnicky,

Hmmm... Find where the main alarm panel is and disconnect it. This will be an horrendous breach of Health and Safety laws but as long as you can find a scapegoat you should be fine.

Just out of interest, what happened on New Year's Eve?

dear mr dreadful

new years eve?
have you heard about the girl who was abducted and murdered in cambridge new years eve? well she was abducted from the edge of parkers piece which is near where i live. she also studied at my university. her name was sally gurnal i think. definetly sally.

Dear Hnicky,

I did hear about her, now that I think about it, forgot that it was Cambridge though.

dear mr dreadful

dont worry about it.
i think it os something that is on the minds of cambridge residents more. we have to seriously think about our safety and we can no longer walk home from the club on our own which we shouldnt have been doing anyway but everyone assumes cambridge is perfectly safe

Dear Mr Dreadful

In some recent threads the subject of a method of dealing with removal of the black spot came up and one potential solution was the use of Cilit Bang.

Never having heard of the stuff and being totally unaware of its existence I have spent the last 2 weeks under the impression the item in question was not Cilit but another word of which I hesitate to mention on a family site such as this, but drop a vowel and you will get the idea?

Do I need glasses or just an update on the various cleaning products available?

Dai

Dear Dai,

I think an appraisal on the latest cleaning products would be a great help to you. You never know when you might need to dissolve a ball of solid calcium .

Seriously, Barry Scott (the bloke on the Cilit Bang advert) tells us that 'limescale is just calcium that sticks and if Cilit Bang can dissolve this ball of solid calcium imagine what it can do!' this fails to take into account that pure, solid calcium is corrosive and would have burnt Barry's fingers.

Cilt Bang Dai?

How come you're such an expert on adverts Mr Dreadful?

Is Barry Scott famous? Should I have heard of him? I've only seen one ad for this product and it had a shiny penny - no dissolving balls!

Maybe satellite Shopping Channel? Should I get Sky - or should you be doing better things with your time?

Cilit Bang will dissolve the dirt off of* a penny in 15 seconds, according to the ad. I'm willing to bet that the penny itself will dissolve in the next minute.

Cilit Bang...when concentrated sulphuric acid isn't enough...

RF

* I hate this construction! **
** So why am I using it?

Yup thats the stuff Jazzhag, great name which Ive just registered as a trade mark. wonder if ITV will carry the add or not!

Since finiding out the true name would you believe a search on Google showed fan sittes for the stuff , what's the world coming to, some loony has been selling t - shirts he had made ffs!

Dear Mr D.

Who ahould I get to front my advertising campaign for Clit Bang and can you suggest some ideas for content?

Dai "Clit Bang " the Death

dai and mistur..

today being the day that it is i thought i'd just come over and say yeeeeeeeeeharrrrrrrrr... and yes i am wearing a stetson
but i havent left the house yet cos that's all i'm wearing

now, more serious matters...dai. your product sounds fascinating, but what does it do?
until u tell us that we can't endeavour to find you an advertising front person..
mind you if you were advertising fronts i know just the girl..

for instance if you were advertising for a product that cleans custard off polecats....then big larry would surely be your man..
if on the other hand your product is kind of self explanatory, then perhaps you should go back to the old lab and see if the old stringfllow crack lapdancing crew would be available.. i believe they survived the end of lab tomato sauce drowning tragedy and are perched on top of the cupboard ever since..

now.. my problem for today mister dredful...
it's a humdinger...i'm distraught

i keep dreaming that i'm barbara cartland...
upsetting enough, but when i wake up i still think i am, usually till about lunchtime...
it's bad enough, but then well into the afternoon i find i'm wearing these ghastly pink chiffon dresses, and with my ample enhancements, chiffon just dont hang right..and pink aint my colour..
any suggestions?

yours
Aye Be..

Dear Jazzhag,

I don't think Barry Scott is famous, and if he is he shouldn't be...

Next time you see the advert watch closely, there really are dissolving balls! Well, it's more of a lump really...

Dear Dai,

Saatchi and Saatchi charge very reasonable rates for advertising. As for content I think a lot of close ups of the product and maybe a condescending voice over will go down (ahem) nicely.

Dear Aye Be,

I can sympathise with your problem, a few years ago I had a problem where I kept dreaming that I was Woody Allen and I'd find myself wearing black plastic glasses and jumpers (oh, wait... I'm still doing that).

I'd recommend hypnoacupuncturehomeopathy. This ancient Pictish procedure involves really thin needles which have been dipped in a 100x dilution of medicinal scotch, these are then inserted in to the eye orbit, penetrating the brain. You will then be hypnotised to believe that Barbara Cartland never existed, thus stopping the dreams. If this fails then I recommend writing best-selling trash-romance novellas.

dear mister

you see there's the thing

i've already written 2
and my friends are shaking their heads and lookin at me with jaundiced eyes..

hang on
jaundiced eyes... is that a side effect of your treatment?
does that mean that they are in the same boat as me? why didn't someone tell me...
amyway a had a 2nd opinion, sorry, i hope you're not insulted
and tho my other advisor agreed with your treatment to a certain degree, he suggested that a much better way to get whiskey to the brain that quick is to glug it down, straight from the bottle. and it must be glenmorangie.
you can also rub it into your arms and chest
i've just done that... and i feel the better for it

what an old brick u r
thankyou..

Aye Be

Dear Aye Be,

If you are feeling better then good for you. However, I would personally advise against the use of an inferior product such as Glenmorangie. Try Talisker instead, it's much more effective.