h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Dear Aye Be,

With wind in me sails and a well-wadded cannon I shall show that scurvy dog! Yo ho, me hearties! ARRR!

Oh mistur D

you're my hero

thankyou..
love the little eye patch.. nice parrot


you'll be knighted one of these days i'm sure..

(or at the very least you'll have a woman standing over you with a very large knife)

so..happy days..


now i'm off to the local hostlery to get tanked up on best jamaica rum..

haaarrrrrrrr.. (god that's great for clearing the congestion off yer chest.....hhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!! mmmmm..

aye

Dear Aye Be,

Thank ee, lass...

*Strikes heroic pose*

Dear Mr Dreadful

Thanks for the advice, I have opened a window and can now see clearly for the first time in days, having said that I find that I miss the light headedness and am compensating by copious amounts of vodka , tia maria and diet coke. For some strange reason I find I cant follow the line of the skirting board, but what the heck whos going to be down there apart from the odd ferret and polecat.

On the subject of ten gallon hats, sounds like an idea although Aye B can be a bit touchy and the last time she caught me examining her chest area she hit the roof, talk about a storm in a D cup!

Do you think I should have something to eat before going out tonight or not waste time and hit the local?

Many thanks.

Dai

Dear Dai,

Having something to eat before going out is the most sensible option as it will help to cushion the alcohol and prevent vomiting.
On the other hand, why let being sensible get in the way of a good night out? I'd recommend doing some more paintings before you go out, the lightheadedness caused by the oils should make drinking a whole different experience!

dear mistur d

sorry to keep hogging your attention but i have a terrifying condition that seems to be spiraling out of control...

it's like a freudian slip, but it's not quite..

i keep meaning to put on some good old heavy rock music as is my wont..

when i turn away from the cd player...letting hair down and getting air guitar at the ready... i find, to my utter astonishment and dismay that i have put on garth brookes, or willie nelson..

it's then that the noise from psycho starts up in my head (or in the room, can't be sure) and i keep running out to the garden screaming... usually naked.. (dai where are u goin with your d's..double zeds and you know it...we've had this discussion over and over and over)
well, actually i think that the running out in the garden bit may be a seperate problem, which can be discussed later

what can i do... i dont have any garth brookes or anything remotely resembling country music in my collection..

yours

ayeeeee be

Dear Aye Be,

This is related to Car-Tape Syndrome[1] and Holiday Book Syndrome[2], both of which were identified by Terry Pratchett.

The problem is that heavy rock CDs when left alone eventually metamorphose into Garth Brooks and Willie Nelson records. Unfortunately there is no known cure for this and you're only hope is prevention: if you look sternly at the CD player for between 10 and 20 seconds after the CD has started it will be too scared to complete the transformation and you'll get your heavy rock.
The other alternative is to start listening to grindcore and death metal, these genres have a natural immunity to the metarmorphosis.

[1] All tapes left in a car will eventually become Queen's Greatest Hits.
[2] All books taken on holiday will turn into political thrillers with names like 'The Omega Conspiracy' and will most likely have a backwards hammer and sickle on the cover.

Dear Mistur D

i tried it... it must need perfection cos it didn't turn into willie nelson this time, but diversified into barbara streisand... i totaly freaked out and flung the cd, and the player out the window.. but i regained my composure and retrieved it...i re started the whole system and it worked the 2nd time..i'm wondering if you need to take the drastic action with the cd player everytime?

i never read books on holiday..
it's a waste of sleeping/shagging/drinking/sunning oneself time..

i had a massage yesterday evening and i thought the 'face' hole was for your feet, so i lay that way on the table...
i've been feeling particularly narked and frustrated ever since
is this because i was rubbed up the wrong way?

yours headbangin style
aye

Dear Aye Be,

While most masseuses can recognize where different parts of the human anatomy are supposed to be (and from what I hear your anatomy isn't hard to miss ) the training (which takes 15 years and can only be given by an old monk in Nepal) requires a strict positioning of the masseuse in relation to the table thus meaning they can only go one way.

Misunderstandings such as yours are precisely where we get the term 'rubbed up the wrong way' as the masseuse is forced to do the torso work on the legs and vice versa leaving the customer irritable and out of sorts.

dear mr dreaful

ive been told by a fast food junkie "friend" that i eat too much. this is becasue i has a sandwhich, a packet of skips, a crunch corner and a rockey biscuit for my dinner yesterday. this is all i did eat yesterday.

how can i cut down my eating if it is the case that i eat too much?
i only eat this much because i get hungry if i dont have a resonably medium sized meal a day.

yours
troubled about eating

Dear Hnicky,

As you are a student you're eating habits seem surprisingly well balanced. Most students I know either eat nothing or eat only takeaways.

Well done, you have acheived that which most students cannot.

Dear Mr Dreadful

If this is the case, how do i approach my friend?

How do i tell him that my eating habits are more well balanced than his?

He isnt a student himself, so i cant use my lifestyle to explain.

Please help.

Hnicky

Dear Hnicky,

Explain to him that your eating habits are based on advice from your Agony Pirate. This should be enough to keep him quiet and if not I'll slice 'im from grin to gizzard! Arr!

Dear Mr D

Having retuened from the local hostelry (scoose speeling Ive been doing da oil painting as well) I am beginning to rlise thet whle I can afford the mortgage living here I cant afford the bar bill.

Should I move to a less friendly neighbourhood, or stay here and sell my body to supliment my night time activities?

Dai (dying to rub Aye Bee up the wrong way, give me a Harrrrrr!)

Dear Mr D.

Should I watch Arnie in Predator on ITV or Sly Stallone on BBC in Rocky 3?

Dai the Indicesive

Dear Dai,

You should do both. Living in low-rent accommodation AND selling your body will ensure that most of your income is completely disposable.

Dear Dai,

Arnie in Predator. There's no contest.

hey mister

how do i get rid of this....

yours frustratedly

aye be..

Dear Aye Be,

Hold still... my cutlass should be sharp enough.

mistur d
you're a brick

i know u could be trusted to solve that one
thankyou

still a bit narked, but coping admirably... that stuff i found in a soda stream bottle at the back of the drinks cupbard....with the skull and crossbones on it.. is like the old fashioned cure all they used to sell off the back of a wagon... i just tasted a wee nip......or 6

i feel things are improving as the day goes on..

jumping on the bed helps

as does doin handstands in the carpark of tescos
was only when i got home i realised why everyone was lookin at me.....that skirt...and.......best not say
...people really have nothing better to do


ooops i've said too much



aye..
i'm hapy to report i dont have a problem this afternoon now that you have got rid o that for me....

except
i'm having trouble composing a valentines poem to my lover that dont sound cheesy..i'm not the best at poetry.. can u help?

awww thanks

aye