h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Sometimes inspiration comes from real world examples:

- Headquarters at the top of a luxurious office tower in downtown Houston, troops all wearing Armani suits, defenses consisting of expensive lawyers and bribed government officials.

- Headquarters in a cave in Eastern Afghanistan, troops wordwide dressed like the locals for years before taking action, defenses consisting of supportive religious fanatics and bribed government officials.

A good place to plot the end of civilisation would be a big white building with a flat roof in Washington, DC, on Pennsylvania Avenue, let's say, with an excellent view of Lafayette Park. There your private army of men with submachine guns hidden in yoga bags could keep a close eye on the peaceniks, while you scout out locations for more offshore prison camps where all those liberal bleeding hearts are gunna end up when everything but the core concepts of freedom and democracy (gettin rich, yehaaw!) are finally illegal.

head quarters in a good hotel
uniforms of doctors
stategy through latest computers
getting rid of opponents by injections

My ideal lair would be in the Biodome, my henchmen would be trained monkeys with AK-47s, and I would be the only evil, um, whatchacallit, villain person who eats tofu and kills millions. (the tofu would actually make the whole image even more sinister in my eyes.) (and no, I don't actually eat tofu.)

And maybe the domed building at the other end of Pennsylvania Ave in Washington, D.C. My troops would all wear dark suits with red ties and little flag pins on the lapel, and be coached in faking sincerity (including advanced classes in fake tears in their eyes). They would continuously recite allegiance to anything sounding patriotic, or good, or desirable to any (paying) group in the country (any conflicts would be ignored).

As defense, they would pretend to be divided into two opposing groups, but there would be many backrooms where they could hide together from the lights. These rooms would have secret delivery bays for the crates of money received from corporations. Policy documents would be prominently displayed and worshipped, including the Constitution (but of course its only a "guideline" to be followed when convenient). The real plan would be committed to memory and only discussed verbally in remote, undisclosed locations.

Anybody using the word "pork" would immediately be taken to one of the secret rooms, never to be heard from again (here's a use for those empty money crates).

My evil lair would be a large office block in say, Slough. When I move upmarket, it will be in a shiny executive office block somewher in LOndan, then in City of London.

Steve, I have to admit that your secret lair with a dome has given me the shivers. A giant obelisk at the far end of an enormous lawn (maybe with a reflecting pool) would be a perfect counterpoint to the dome, making the building and all it contains seem literally pointless in comparison.

That sounds like a good addition. But I'm worried this is getting too far-fetched, nobody will believe it could really happen ... "Men in Black" seems more believeable.

Far fetched is the legend that pulling the Washington monument will make the dome of the Capitol spin and play a tune.

If it seems far fetched that the National Mall and most of Washington is a giant ant nest full of robot minions of evil, zombies with $500 haircuts and lapel pin-wearing vampires, that's due to the nefarious super villain plan at work. On the other hand, I'm quite prepared to suspend disbelief long enough to mention the old legend of The National Mall (newly created) that describes the statue of Honest Abe slowly shaking his massive bronze head in sad dismay in the shadowy interior of the Lincoln Memorial on moonless nights.

Incidentally, Speaking of vampires, I can honestly claim to have driven a stake into the heart of Washington. I helped a Tibetan guy set up a security fence around the stage when the Dalai Lama was in town for the Smithsonian Folklife Festival.

Judging by recent events (e.g. House Majority Leader Tom Delay forcing fellow Republicans to drop the rule requiring indicted House leaders to step aside ... when Mr. Delay *coincidentally* is under investigation and has had three associates indicted), you should have used a longer stake.

It was an honest missed-stake.

Not to rain on your parade but keep in mind, at least the Dali-Laama was able to speak in THIS country, something people tend to forget when bashing my nation. Besides, everyone knows that Washington is just a puppet stage. Big Brother and Big Buisness are one in the same.

The thing about free speech that Big Brother caught onto long ago is that, once everybody is free to speak, everybody is too busy doing it to listen. The net result is the same as trying to keep people quiet, only it's easier to do. It is a lot noisier of course.

True that! At least, in the end, WE'LL be able to hear the alarms. The shelters won't be as crowded and the company more lively. Pass the wine and cheese please.