h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Ah, emotions. As FG can tell you from first hand experience, I am rather emotional. I tend to be very open emotionally. Which is sometimes not the best thing in the world, but at least I am curbing my doormat and stark raving lunatic excesses. I, like Caer, tend to be amazingly calm in fairly ugly situations.

And sarcasm is the best thing in the world. As Courtesy can tell you, when I'm behind the bar at work, I'm sarcastic and witty and charming all at the same time. I have a friend who recently moved into my complex, and saw me for the first time in my mom mode, waving to my daughter at the bus stop. He was shocked that the person he knew was so different from the person my daughter knows. I don't think my kid could handle the "public" me quite yet!

And Marv, I know you have ties there, and that they are hard to dismiss. But given the job market, as well as other issues in your life, you need to get out of SLC, if only to give yourself some perspective. That's my , anyway.

I see we need to define our terms regarding kinds of humor. I was thinking of "dark sarcasm" as being very much at someone else's expense, in a hostile or belittling way. Sarcasm among friends, well, the Apaches actually have a word for "joking relationship." Which is what I think ltp was originally referring to.

The wit of Oscar Wilde only succeeded without causing duels because of context, namely the drawing room. Kind of like what we strive for here. That means that no offense should be taken unless proven. That's what was torn from us in recent threads and what fails to exist in other places on hootoo now.

On dealing with harmful emotions, I find it best to ignore them immediately. I will look at them when I have time and can calmly disect them. I also use my friends to help me work them out. To me, once something is identified, it is easily dealt with. In talking with friends, I tend to find the root cause and then everything else falls into place. Of course, as Lil said, you have to be extremely comfortable looking into the dark corners of yourself and understanding what truly motivates you.

Marv - a question to ask yourself. Are the happy feelings you are having in SLC due to changes there or due to a desire to find happy feelings so that you have a reason not to leave?

I think change is good, however I completely understand the ties that bind. There have been several times in the past few years that I have thought about picking up stakes and leaving Southern California, however the CBA didn't add up.

Regarding feelings and your possible move, I think feelings have a place, but they shouldn't govern your decision, they should just guide it.

My

Courtesy

Courtesy, many of the recent changes are very very positive. That is what makes me actually think about not leaving the state. On teh other hand, there are still some negatives that I need to address. It will tak esome time to come to a decision. At any rate, the job does not yet exsist in Texas, and I can't really make my mind up till I see that offer.

I am willing to share with Zeppo.

*Calls Zeppo over while patting the beanbag.*

OK, I have had time to read the blog now.

Lil, I agree with all of your points and will do my best to adhere to them.

I feel that emotions have a place in everything you do. Emotions make the person but, should not rule the person.

I have been known to blow my top, Marv has been present for at least one of those times. Everytime it happens and I have had time to settle down, I always feel ashamed at having gone off.

Marv, I would be the last person to keep you from moving, if it was in your best interest, even though it would cause me a great deal of pain to see you go.
I will be honest with you. I don't think that right now is the proper time to move. If you want specifics of why I say this, you know where to reach me.

So my daugher came into my room the other night, and asked THE question (for those of you without kids, it's the "where did I come from" question) and I explained it to her without too much blushing. But she wanted more, and I was at a loss for words, so I ordered the book I remember reading some years ago called, surprisingly enough, Where Did I Come From? (BTW, I highly recommend it...honest answers in a humorous form)

And here's the part that I find interesting. The author is Peter Mayle. Yes, that Peter Mayle, the man who wrote A Year in Provence.

Who'd thunk?!

Greetings all , Lil's principle of giving strangers the benefit of the doubt is an important one, and I'm touched (and a little relieved) to receive a warm welcome here

I spend a lot of time moving around IRL and frequently find myself amongst strangers in unfamiliar places - often of the 'wild frontier' variety (home for me is Lagos, Nigeria). Lil's principle is a good rule to follow in such circumstances : 'Give everyone a fair first chance' - and for a academic justification this comes straight out of game theory.

If you initiate by eg offering to buy a drink, a positive response means you've hit it off - no problem, continue and enjoy.

Occasionally, you will meet a negative response. Blank them back with something along the lines of 'I'm sorry, I confused you with someone worth having a conversation with", and move on.

Never start a conversation with a stranger with 'Nice hat. You wearing it for a bet?' unless you want to get in a fight.

Accept their initial friendly overture positively, until they ask you for a loan.

An initial negative overture is probably malicious. Down your drink in manly fashion, give them a withering look, and move on to the next bar retaining as much dignity as you can.

Of course, this sort of strategy is also an excellent form of anger management - lost pride is kept to a minimum both ways and negative situations are never allowed to escalate uncontrollably - nobody is ever more than one drink (or equivalent positive token) out of pocket. A topical lesson from this is don't try and reason (positive response) with trolls. You are leaving yourself open to further attack and further loss of dignity. They require an immediate uncompromising blank.

Sometimes someone will say something that really riles of course. Personally I try and remember the old axiom 'If you lose it, you've lost'.

Well that's my anyway. Any chance of another ?

Regarding Marv moving or not - a move isn't final, you can always move back if things don't work out as expected.

Personally I tend to move on every two years, in some way - a different job, a different employer, a different city. Mostly it's been a different job in the same company. Two years is usually what it takes me to learn everything there is to learn in my current profession, and realize that it's almost but not quite the thing I want to do when I grow up...

*realizes that she's been in her current position for almost 2½ years now, which would explain her feeling of easily being bored by w*rk*

*aloud sneeze is heard from Caer's wing backed armchair*

Sorry! I didn't mean to make you all jump, it made me jump too! I do hope I'm not getting the horrendous cold that is doing the rounds currently.

Snow is forecasted for next week But that could change, as it often does.

Road rage worries me, people seem to get so aggressive when driving. Why is that? If someone cuts me up, I will hoot if it has caused me to swerve, but will let it go. I have seen other people forced to stop while a haranguing has ensued, invariably over something pretty minor.

Greetings, everyone ! I really like what you've done with the place, Lil !

I completely agree with all 5 of your principles, Lil. I just think it's important to realize that we may not always quite live up to them. But this should not excuse each of us from making the effort. If it were easy, everyone would be doing it !

On emotions, I've not read any of the books mentioned- psychology not being precisely my forte. I do think we often draw a false distinction between "negative" and "positive emotions. Emotions are what make us human. Even anger, properly handled, can be a good thing. It can impel us to take necessary action to resolve a bad situation. Unfortunately, I seem to have problems handling it properly. When somebody angers me, I tend to avoid outright confrontation, and instead simmer and feel hurt. Needing to vent, I then often tend to tell a third party- thus crossing the line into gossip and backbiting. If I can't tell a third party, I nurse a grudge. Any tips on how to properly handle anger?

I do like the following Biblical quote:

"Be angry, and sin not. Let not the sun go down on your wrath."

Oh, by the way, welcome Seth!

Dark sarcasm is definitely a scourge of our society. As already pointed out sarcasm in itself is not a malaise between friends. It is when a stranger or person in authority constantly uses sarcasm to put you down that it becomes dark. Just like those 'dark, satanic mills' from Jerusalem.

Dark sarcasm puts an immence emmotional strain on the recipient who unless they are able to confront the prepetrator of the dark sacasm is liable to sink deeper and deeper into an emmotional abyss. Which is why Pink Floyd's 'deep sarcasm in the classroom' is particularly obressive as no school kid is ever going to feel able to counter that sort of verbal put down from a teacher.

As we grow older hopefully we develop our own defenses to sarcasm of the dark nature but some have been so affected by it while growing up that they still cower, run or collapse under it well into their adult life.

Auntie lill or should it be anti

"dark sarcasim" as you call it "insulting behaviour" by someone else tends to be used by "persona" who are uncomfortable in "situations" treating everyone as the enemy, (glare being visual verbal oritory warning) i dont want to talk sort a thing,did you never ever try to
catch the teacher out or get "revenge" insome childish way "i did" still brings a smile to me

I suppose it all depends on how we all tend to "catorgorise" relationships, is everyone we meet freind or foe. if we treat everyone as freinds first then ajust from there life does tend to be better.I also try to have a smile on my face (puts rest of group at ease) even when responding with/tp "insulting/dark sarcasm" in many cases defuses whiplash reply

Anger on many occassions is confused triggered by frustration more than "lust for revenge"
we all at times have to deal with this in our own way "meditation counciling " or just going out and getting blind drunk stoned whatever,i just recall
"amuseing ways i have obtained revenge/payback" emptying my bladder on one occasion of coarse i made sure i was picked up by this particuler "teacher" first
once at school 8 years old lost my rag so to speak stormed out of classroom slamming doors as i left the first two doors where slammed so hard became detached from frames third had broken glass it also serves me as a reminder as to what "uncontrolled anger" can achieve.


Acceptence of a person for what/who they are rather than who we would want them to be, most of us will have or had a freind/relation that normaly we would not give the time of day to normaly but haveing got to know them been more aware of your short comeings

Marv you dont lose freinds when you move you tend to make new ones, allthough the grass may not be greener on the other side of the road you get a better view of your patch.also you
dont know what you will miss till its gone, thought about sabbatical , or timeout ,visit where you are thinking of moveing to for a couple of months.

Marv - on the subject of moving it's a difficult one, I can see both arguments for and against, though I find writing down all the pros and cons of any descion terribly helpful. I'm sure you will stay in touch with your friends, but meeting new people if you haven't done it before and have never been short of friends, so never really needed to make new ones can be quite difficult at first. Still it can be done...

On emotions I try to always put things in perspective and see the postive side of situations that I can't change, thus taking the locus of control of my situation inside me.

(And that is hte most pretenious paragraph I've ever written on h2g2.)

[Munchkin, just sitting quietly and listening with interest. ... Compound interest. ]

On the not losing friends when you move issue - I have to disagree with ltp. There is a short phase where you keep in touch, plan visits, etc., but you develop a life without each other and gradually grow apart. It isn't that you no longer care about each other. But we all have to deal with what is in front of us.

I think the Internet can help keep distant friends closer than when you had to rely on a phone call or a letter. When we did our moving around it didn't exist. Perhaps if it had, I would have a different opinion on this subject.

Seth has really hit on something about trolling. The troll shows an utter disregard for other people's face. I use 'face' in the sense of 'amour propre' or dignity. Very often, in the cases I have seen, it is entirely possible for the troll to make their case without causing loss of face, but they seem drawn to additionally adding insults or inflammatory language, like calling other people stupid.

And that's where I see anger, anger that the troll isn't properly recognising in him or herself. And that means that we others have to pick up the burden of managing their anger for them, which is really hard, and which they are not paying us 60 dollars an hour to do.

I also want to hear more about Lagos.

[spk]

Seth - I like the game theory analogy, very interesting.

Courtesy