h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Affy helps in the digging, but mainly keeps on eye on the surroundings*

*takes a spade and starts to dig too*

We should have this tree out in no time.

Are you ok up there, Amy?

I'm ok at the moment but what happens when the tree falls down?

*starts to regret wearing white fur-lined wellies and a white snowsuit*

Don't worry, Amy. We're digging out a nice round root ball. Once it's free, we can gently roll the tree over until one of us can reach you. It should be a piece of .

Just hold on.

/* Zeppo provides a solution to Amy's problem by turning some nearby snow yellow. */

*raises an eyebrow wrily*

Thanks Zeppo.

*looks forward to a piece of *

Oh, I can help, I can help!

*finds a smooth stone unearthed by one of the diggers, picks it up and waves it in the air* Ruppy! Looky look! *tosses the stone on the ground. In seconds the pug is upon it, and only seconds later she has used it to dig a rut in the earth deep enough to cover all but her curly-Q. Frantic grunting noises come from the bottom of the hole*

Pug - Fnerg, fnerg! Foof! Fnook!

/* Zeppo , horrified that the pug has been swallowed by the earth, joins in the digging in order to find her. */

We seem to have been digging for ages, how large a root ball do we want?

Is there a large tub to put it in back at the atelier?

*starts to demonstrate the size of tub, looses her balance and falls backwards into the snow, narrowly avoiding a strangely yellow patch of snow*

Amos: Hold off! That'll do.

*Amos re-wraps the chain to take hold of the treeby the root ball*
Hi Bonny! Hi Clyde! Take yer time, take yer time...

*Responding to the vocal signals, the two Clydesdales lean into their harness and begin stepping forward slowly. The tree shudders and, with a few muffled cracking sounds from below, begins to move*

*As the base moves forward, the top leans backward*

Amos: I laid out a tarp beside the wain. When we get back there you lot need to hold it steady so's I can drag the tree roots onto it. Once we have it protected, we can drag the tree behind us, t'll be alright in the snow.

Lil: Don't worry Amy, we'll get you! *starts to run to where the tree top might go, thinking that Amy makes a pretty good tree topper, if only she lit up*

Many more comments like that and I may well light up .

I don't know, you do your best... aerial survey... risking life and more limbs than most people have... end up with a fir tree up your chuff... no sympathy whatsoever...

*clings to a luggage label tied to the tree that reads 'Guaranteed #000066' * closes eyes*

*would give Amy some sympathy, but she's too high up to receive*

*Just then, a rather short and slightly overweight man appears, wearing a piece of orange cloth cunningly wound about his body. He has a long stragly beard and on his head is perched a slightly crooked turban. He is wearing sandals, but somehow manages to walk on top of the snow. His searching gaze takes in the activity and when all eyes are upon him, he speaks:*

Guru: The tree of life greases even the deepest well.

*He then catches sight of Affy and bursts out laughing.*

Hmm, there is obviously more to this guy than meets the eye.

*scrambles up out of the snow and dusts herself off*

*The horses snort as they catch the scent of the rather grubby guru, but continue to pull steadily. The tree continues to tip gently and without knocking against any other trees, until it lies parallel to the ground, so good was Amos's eye in selecting a direction for Bonnie and Clyde to pull*

Amy, I think you're safe now.

*looking askance at the guru*

*steps boldly forward, shakes guru's hand*

Nice to meet you - would you like some Glögg?


Never met a guru (not of this kind anyway) before!

*Scowling at the Guru*

At least he's friendlier than the first time I ran into him. Back then, he started off by pointing a gun at our group. Then he saw my arm band and started laughing.

*Considers attacking the Guru, but knows from experience that it isn't worth the effort*

*the laughing subsides for a moment while the guru catches his breath*

*and it continues*

*to the guru...*

Shades of Prak, man, don't you *EVER STOP*!

*Steps between the Guru and Affy, blocking the Guru's view of Affy's armband. The Guru slowly settles down. When he has regained his calm composure, he speaks again:

Guru: The essence of simultanaeity can be found in the seeds of a lemon.

*GL scratches his head, then shakes it and rolls his eyes. He steps away and the Guru disolves in laughter.*