h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*The CLI Mini-UFO, followed closely by The Mangar, The Esirpretne, and YK's Millinium Bug zips off of Earth. Passing the h2g2 Space Station, they head in the direction of the Korooth System*


All righty then! Everyone, make sure to get ready! We'll be approaching enemy space very soon! Keep in mind that Minos Krylma has been known to pull a few mean tricks in the past, so watch out!


*Affy reclines in the pilot's seat, and listens to a recently purchased "Nuclear Whales" CD*

[YK] Jade, want to junction a Guardian Force before we get there?

[Fade to black. A Moogle walks onto the screen]

[Moogle] Want to learn more about Guardian Forces?
[CHOICE: ]

[Moogle] White Magic heals the user and the user's allies and harm undead creatures; Black Magic harms the user's opponents; and Summoning Magic calls a creature into existence, and the creature does this kind of thing for you. These creatures are called Guardian Forces, or GF's. To be able to call a GF, you need to "junction" with it. You can junction up to three GF's at a time. However, if you summon a GF in battle, you can't use the same GF twice until the next battle.


[Moogle] All right then!

[The Moogle walks off the screen. Fade back to YK]

[YK] I've got Ifrit, Shiva, and Alexander junctioned.

[Mackenzie] I've got Quetzalcoatl, Levithan, and Bahamut junctioned.

[YK] That leaves ... um ... three of them. They are:

[YK] Carbuncle. It uses "Ruby Light", which casts Reflect on the party: any magical attacks used on us during the battle will be reflected back on the enemy's party unless it's already being reflected.
[YK] Pandemonium. It uses "Whirlwind Thrust", which attacks the enemies with a whirlwind.
[YK] Eden. It uses "Eternal Breath" which whacks the enemy to bits.

[Mackenzie] So, you want one of them, Jade?

*Puts on headphones and tunes into the lite rock channel. Promptly falls asleep.*

Mike-So, in order to get a guardian force, just rifle through any available copy of "Ancient Mythological Dieties For Hire" and place an order.

Crow-Joel, can I get a GF?

Joel-Sure, the Huitzilopoctli model. When it comes out.

Servo-"And now, introducing the newest in the line of Guardian Forces action figures, here's Pan, Beelzebub, and The Moderator. From Playmates! All Guardian Force products available wherever ancient powers of destruction are sold..."

*attempts to poetry-ise her stunner*

*POP*

Uh... are there any more of these?

*Affy rifles through a box, and pulls out a neural stunner. He hands it to Poetry Woman*


I think I should explain MSTie. I wanted to experiment with adding yet another face of science fiction to this adventure, and asked MSTie to do so by "riffing" our show, in the same style that bad movies are riffed in MST3K. This is just an experiment, mind you, so don't blame MSTie for anything you don't like, blame me.

All right. Thanks for the warning.

Approaching Korath system now. We'll keep the planet between us and the OmegaMatic until we are ready.

* a new model talking penguin (this one with a slightly dodgy archaic dialect) flickers into being on the bridge, irritatingly right in front of the viewscreen *

Penguin: Art thou aware that on the far side of that planet doth lie the OmegaMatic, a formidable and massive space station populated by most frolicksome robots intent upon slaying or maiming all those who oppose the things the robots are programmed to do? I must needs advise ye to stay well away from such a place, lest ye die, or be horribly maimed.

[YK] We know the OmegaMatic's there.

[Mackenzie] We're counting on it, in fact.

* the penguin blinks at them *

Penguin: Thou art? If it is permitted for me to enquire, what purpose dost thou have in confronting it? Is it thine intention to engage in a daring mission to destroy said OmegaMatic? If so, I must surely warn thee that such a course must lead to certain death or serious injury.

Thanks for the warning, Penguin, but we're prepared for anything. Minos Krylma and his goons, a surprise attack from Mortimer McMire, the OmegaMatic's traps, robots, and monsters, I've even made a few precautions in case someone like "Pan" shows up again (obscure reference to the original "Saving The Galaxy" forums, for those of you unfamiliar with them).

In any event, look at it this way: if we do *not* attempt to infiltrate the OmegaMatic, fight the forces of evil, and destroy the QED, then you'll be short one life and one Galaxy to spend it in.

*Affy gently shoves the penguin out of view enough so that he can see the screen again, and quickly halts before getting too close to planet Korooth III. He sees a little base floating nearby, but decides to ignore it, for the Koroothians never were a very hostile race. Affy manually types up some orders for the three other ships to circle around the planet, and draw the fire of the OmegaMatic, while the Mini sneaks through the asteroid field*

*Poetry Woman smiles warmly at Affy*

*pockets the new neural stunner*

Asks the penguin hopefully "I don't suppose there are two doors, one which leads to the Omegamatic, and one that leads to CERTAIN DEATH?!?!"

* the penguin straightens his bow tie and settles down into a more comfortable position to one side of the viewscreen, having been persuaded by Affy's arguments that they're doing the right thing *

Penguin: Nay, fair lady, I know of only one door, that doth lead to certain death or serious injury.

* the penguin takes a large and evil-looking gun out of nowhere and begins to check it over *

Penguin: Honourable Captain, wilt thou permit me to place my humble skills at thine disposal? It seemeth me that the OmegaMatic doth present a risk to the galaxy that must needs not be allowed to remain.

[YK] The odds of us not being able to do it without you are about equal to survival for two hours three-eighths of an inch to the left of a nuclear explosive, point four seven seconds before it detonates, but I don't see why we can't have your help.

[Mackenzie] That was a rather esoteric way of putting it.

I see no reason why you can't help out. Providing that you follow the rules of Continuity.

* the penguin shrugs *

Penguin: That seemeth me a reasonable proposition.

This isn't the same penguin you may have seen elsewhere - unless otherwise stated, each penguin is a different one. There are rather a lot of them you see, and rights to appear in forums are hotly contested with not a few fatalities. Therefore this can also be a very uneducated penguin who can't breach continuity because he don't know anything about anything outside this thread. How's that for covering my back, hmm?

Actually, just because he may be ignorant of previous continuity does not mean that the penguin can ignore the rules. I'll grant that it's a different one, but it still has to follow all of the statements contained within this story and all prior stories that may pertain to it.

So, have fun reading the backlog.

BTW, does this mean that I can't summon that other penguin by pushing the button that I received in another forum?


*The Mini carefully pushes its way into the asteroid field. Affy carefully aims the Mini for the Ion Ventilation Shaft that will be used to enter*

[YK] Hm. I can sense the Clones there. And our spy.

[Mackenzie] Is she reasonably capable of being spotted without undue accidental slaughter?

[YK] Actually, she's near the beginning.

Crow-Can you say "convenience"?

Tom-Nah, this happens everyday. Being capable of jumping into an ion ventilation shaft through the cold vacuum of space, while landing in a pool of water that doesn't instantly freeze, and finding yourself in a huge maze? I've seen rarer things in Deep 13!

(You people don't take yourselves seriously enough. I only get a chance to riff on something when someone makes a comment like that.)