h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Can't help but think that paper covers rock. Ponders the settings on her nano-gun.*

*the rat-ants find a tunnel halfway down the cliff and enter, moving fast and purposefully*

[king] Look at me! I've been provoked! I was set upon by a mixed band of humans and rat-ants and nearly killed, AND my magic torque has been stolen! *he frowns, evidently trying to make some connections*

Say, you wouldn't be part of that group that attacked me in my own throne room, would you?

*the boulder monsters stir menacingly, hearing the change of tone in the king's voice, and the king looks over at them* They ARE fine monsters, aren't they. I designed them myself. Pure basalt, they are.

Basalt, eh? Gotta love basalt. Fantastic mineral for rock monsters.



Stupid lousy fate....just once I wanna use the "Tossio" spell. "Turns granite to fettucine", it said. "Hmmm, when'll I use that one?" I said. "Might be a cave-in," the salesman said. "There might very well be," I said. "Might face a rock monster," the salesman said. "I very well might," I said. Twenty lousy Zorkmids, and I've not been in a granite cave-in ever since....



But is that mossy substance on them moss? Or is it a type of hair? Is it another form of plant life or fungi? Oh, and I can say with the utmost confidence, that I am unaware of any attack on you in your throne room. We are missing some companions, but I can't think of any scenario which would cause them to attack without provocation. Since your anger is obviously geared towards these tresspassers, I suggest that you find them instead of taking out your frustrations, justified though they may be, on vacationing surface-dwelling adventurers who are having a very, very difficult time returning a Christmas Tree to its rightful place.



The others are out of the reach of these Kobolds for the time being. Since the ring gave out, we can assume that they're out of range, meaning that they're either far away from us, or that they're stuck inside a chamber made of materials denser than Kobolds would be used to working with.

[king] Yes, yes, moss. Aesthetically, moss and basalt are best. I won the Grnth Bllrrrrrrgh Award for Best Monster just last year for these. I call them Hevvies.

*strange noises can be heard coming out of the tunnel hatch*
*a few moments later a whole regiment of rat-ants boils out, surrounds the king, and disarms the remaining kobolds*

[king] Argh! Let me go! Or I'll sick my Hevvies on your squishy human allies!

*the Hevvies do some warm-ups involving jumping jacks*
*earth tremors sweep through the area*

Affy, Witty - those Hevvies look rather clumpsy, but it might be possible that they can move a lot faster than we think...


*looks around to see where Gandalf is*

Okay, I don't know what those things are, but there's no way that rat-ants could manage that. These must've been specially bred and mutated.



That may be, but we can take 'em even if they are faster than they look. See, I've got a little spell called Throck that'll make that moss work for us. I think I could handle a third of these guys, give or take. Can the two of you take your thirds?

I'll do my best. I wonder if they can be blinded. Do they have eyes?


*Sets nano-gun to Paperboard Pulp.*

Well, Tom Servo didn't have eyes, and blindfolds still worked on him.

*checks her arrows but decides that none of them will do*

*pulls out her elf emerald, looks up at sky hoping that the clouds will disappear, having had some previous experiences of what sun rays combined with emerald can do*

For an idea of what the hevvies look like, think of the Rock monster in Galaxy Quest -- a loose assemblage of boulders that looks vaguely put together in a bipedal shape

*while the hevvies have been limbering up, more rat-ants have gathered, and begin flinging marbles on the ground. It is not long before all the hevvies have gone arse over tip with horrendous ground shaking thumps. One of them immediately re-assembles and rises, only to slip and fall again*

[king] Oh, foo.

That is precisely the image I had.


*Aims at the nearest hevvie's top most boulder and sprays a layer of paper pulp at it, hoping it will render the blind.*

Throck Moss!

*Affy waits for the moss on the monster that he aimed at to grow out of control to the point that the monster effectively can't move*

*two hevvies are blinded -- one by moss, the other by pulp. they immediately sink back down and become normal boulders. The third hevvy remains sitting, clearly afraid to move*

*the king slumps his shoulders in defeat and is marched off down the tunnel hatch by the rat-ants, leaving behind only the four who had escaped over the cliff*

*they stand at the entrance and gesture to the humans to follow*

*Violets is now resting next to the Christmas tree, which has relaxed its roots into the tarp and is feeding off the composty remains of Violet's meals*


*it begins to snow heavily*

Well, those rat-ants want us to follow....but we really should plant this tree. I mean, this is basically where we need to plant it, right? Wouldn't it just make sense to keep the tree from waiting? It's mid-February, and I've gotta think that the forest might be getting a bit nervous.

The rat-ants sigh, come down off the bluff to where the tree is, and find the place where the tree had been extracted. They begin to clear the taproot hole*

Where's Amy? She could lift the tree into place, but it strikes me I haven't seen her around for a while - nor with the other party


*keeps an eye on the remaining hevvie*

I suspect Amy is not feeling well enough to play at the moment.


I don't hear the dragonflybot at all. Amy must have followed the others. How will we get the tree in place?

*Thinks*

Violets, you look nice and strong. Could you place the tree once the rat-ants finish the hole?


You have no idea how jealous I am that the others are in the Pan-dimensional safari thread. Three and a half years later and I had to choose the red pill instead of the green pill.

Yeah, but what're you gonna do.

Incidentally though, unless this tree is several feet higher than I'd initially thought, wouldn't a single person be able to put it into the whole, not to mention two or three? Christmas Trees aren't too heavy when compared to others, in my experience.


Wherever Amy is right now, I feel confident that she's chewing PAG. Nice, refreshing PAG, that comes in three great flavors! Obviates the need for brushing teeth in the morning! And for a limited time, one out of every thirteen-hundred PAG packages comes with a free time-gate ticket to Crater Land, the new CLI Theme Park!

*the rat-ants look disgusted. One of them glances back toward the tunnel and then says something in Rat to the others. Resignedly, they begin maneuvering the tree to its hole*

*it is snowing more heavily and a wind is beginning to gust. It's getting dark, too*

*the groombots are watching to see what the adventurers will do. If everyone goes down the tunnel, they will take the horses home*

*As the rat-ants bring the tree to the hole, its taproot shoots out and finds its place. In just a few minutes the rat-ants have placed the tree and heaped dirt protectively around its base*


*the rat-ants now turn and face the humans. One of the rat-ants grabs a stick and draws a diagramm in the snow. It looks like a twisty maze of passages. The rat ant then adds a sort of corridor off to the side that leads to a circle. Then the rat-ant draws another circle next to the first circle, so that the sides just touch*

*the rat-ant then stands up and gestures that everyone should follow him, and heads back to the tunnel hatch*

[hevvy 3] Could someone pick up these marbles please?

Okay, time to move on. I want to find out where the others went off to.

*Witty packs up her personal gear and stows it in her tote bag. She gives the last hevvie a quick coating of paper pulp to disable it. Then she sets her nano-gun to Leaf Blower and corrals the marbles into a pile.*

Groombots, please pack up the yurt and take it back with the horses.

Anything else we should take care of before we go?

*Approaches the tree which is starting to glisten with snow. Witty feels a nice calm vibe.*