h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Sweats. Pulls collar away from front of throat with a hooked finger.*
Ahem. I, er... Well, we... There was this forklift truck... Lady P...
*points finger accusingly*
It's no good Trin... I can't blame anyone else. I dropped a wardrobe on your car! You can beat me if that would make you feel better.

Uh, thanks Vestie.

Sorry about your car, Trin... was it insured against falling wardrobes?

MB the mad ninja chemist bursts in .... "TADA!" (need to work on the stealth bit)

Hiya Lady P. Do you have a notice board in here? I need to advertise my NEW MAMMAL ARMY failing that I'll just set the weasels on someone, they're geting lazy and need the exercise.

I haved a nest of ferrets in my underwear. How do you recruit?

Hello Mr. Boffin, nice to see you around!

There's a notice board right over there *points* but I'm afraid you're not allowed to bring any sort of weapon in here.

Other than that, what can I get for ya?

Once upon a time I had
A little red car
(Little red car)

And all the night and day I loved
My little red car
(His little red car)

But, oh me *tsh*
A gruesome accident made it crush-y *tsh,boof*
Involving a wardrobe and gravit-y *tsh,tsh,tsh*

And now all I have is a memor-y

And a jar

With

Some bits.

*Jamjar with some nuts and bolts in it*

I'm going to scatter them later. Probably near Junction 9. The car liked that bit.

*looks at The Cute Little Red Car Brochure with a neat little model circled in wax crayon.*
I've just gotta go out for a bit, I may be a while.

MB re-enters after spending the last 20 hours outside emptying his pockets of all weapons,

"sorry I can't leave my hands outside, even if they are deadly weapons!"

walks to notice board and pins up a flier

Do you have a nuisance neighbour or annoying army on your doorstep? then call...
The New MAMMAL ARMY
"We don't have a Cavalier approach to warfare"
Available for all armed conflicts (no war too small)
will fight for good or evil
Loyalty not a question (WE FIGHT FOR MONEY)"

Come visit us at the badger/weasel/sheep command complex for a no obligation quote."

MB leaves to visit the command complex before embarking on some "real world " activities.

*notes down "loyalty not a question".*
Not for you then, my fine ferrety friends. Good is the only side you'll fight for!
*severe rustling in the underpand region and much to-ing and fro-ing by sharply clawed hands and feet.*
Yes, I know you need money as much as the next ferret but loyalty is something you are good at.
*Lots of sets of claws protrude through underwear.*
Don't do that, it's not hygienic!

Y'alright Mr. Vestie?

He's looking a bit ferrety, isn't he? *Puts down a little bowl of ferret nibbles to try to lure them out*

Oh, hello! How're you doing?

Fine, thanks! All well?

They don't seem too bothered by these nibbles.

What _do_ ferrets eat, actually?

Pretty much anything they can catch, I think. They're probably using Vestie as a lair of some kind, waiting for something edible to saunter by.

Do you think we should put a sign up? Warn the customers?

Oh, I'm sure Mr. Vestie won't bring them here if they were any danger----actually, I see your point.

*Scribbles a note on a napkin saying 'Beware the Ferrets'*

How's that?

Excellent.

What about 'Beware the Ferrets - Why not have a nightcap?' Or even 'Beware the Ferrets - Why not have a nightcap? - Don't forget to tip the pianist'?

hiya peeps

Hiya Scott. Wanna see my ferrets?
*sticks hand up inside vest which is hanging just above ankle height. Whips out hand in which is clutched a wriggling ferret.*
This is Moriarty
*Ferret nips finger*
Ouch! Sorry this is not Moriarty this is his twin brother Sherlock.
*Ferret nips finger*
Ouch! Sorry this is not Sherlock either it's their little sister Dr Watson.
*waits for nip. No nip happens.*
Yes this is definitely Dr Watson.