h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*pinned down by the bodies of researchers attempts to head-butt Lindt Eastwood from a supine position*

*connects with something soft*

Ooops

Hooooeeeee! Looks like we got us a battle!

*Overturns a desk to hide behind, but finds two Gobolds in a, uh, compromising position underneath.*

Well, well, whut have we got here. Don't move you two or I'll take yer heads off with this Scottish Oat cake.

*From the floor, GL lifts his left leg and points it at Butch. He reaches in his pocket and pulls the trigger of his Weapoff. There is a burping sound and the Scottish Oat Cake disappears from Butch's hand.*

*Exchanges a glance with IAN. They both nod, then jump to their feet, hastily arranging their clothes.*

Hmmmm. I do believe I just witnessed a Gord-IAN nod.

Well, I warned yehs.

*Winds up and throws the non-existent Scottish Oat Cake at the two Gobolds.*

*vaguely wondering why the red dog-like volunteer with a penchant for odd headgear has just headbutted the floor digs into his trousers to retrieve his sidearm and come up with rather unmentionable unmentionables in his hand*

~to Garius Lupus~

Freeze or you'll git these in yur face boy ..... an ah kin tell yew thet they haven't seen soappowder since last fall

*pushes past Miz Farmer to the opposite door, tries to open it, and finds it locked*

Ook! [Dang!]

*turns and surveys the room, sees Toby Larone approaching with a gun in his hand, raises his enfield and shoots at the gun, then ducks behind a desk*

*gasps with outrage*
*at the same moment she is struck with spatter from Lil's gun*

Hw DARE ou!!! Fst you ignre papork and --

*suddenly a chain whips out from one of the desks around her ankles and pulls her down. The gobold typist darts out, runs right over her and to the second typist, where she pulls the pin to free her chain from the desk. They both gather up the chains (which are fastened at their waist) and make their way toward Gord and Ivana*

*suddenly on her back, wedged between two desks*

Eeeeeeeeeeeee!

*head spinning a little from the headbutt and seeing GL being threatened with a banned WoMD brandishes the black ebony cane with a silver wolfs head that came into his possession a while ago, stretches and whisks the unmentionables out of the Choco's hand with the cane*

*the end of the cane starts to smoulder*

Blimey

*Pulls the slip knot so her hands are free of the rope. Takes aim at Hersh and fires a microwave bolt at 10% power.*

*Sees the mahem developing in the outer office. Grins and pulls his meat cleaver out of his belt before opening the purchasing office door. Looks around to choose a victim. Sees a yellow animal that would work well in tonight's stew and heads towards it.*

Hey, thanks Red D....HEY! THAT'S MY CANE! BE CAREFUL WITH THAT! NO, BETTER YET, GIVE IT BACK! Ooops!

*GL tries to dodge some stray correction fluid. He then gets to his feet.*

I'd b tter sav m last hot. T e We off can o ly fir 3 ti es bef re eed ng r char ing.

Oh no you don't Garius ..... it's mine

*casually flicks the cane and Lindt's unmentionables sail over the thread to land on Hersh Ritters head*

What do you mean, it's yours? I only lent it to you! And I expect it back. Disinfected.

*casually pokes Lindt with the undisinfected business end of the cane*

How can it be .... it's got a lovely silver Dog on the top that looks just like me.

It's not a dog - IT'S A WOLF!

*Stamps. His Weapoff goes off and disarms the floor, which, rather surprisingly, removes the coffee stains from the carpet.*

Now look what you made me do! It'll be tomorrow before my Weapoff has recharged.

*has scrambled to her feet, but this latest weapoff blast knocks her back to the ground. Her trench coat flies open, revealing a tiny thong bikini, a generous figure and a shoulder holster that contains a dainty little .38*

*is completely mystified as to what happened to the underwear he was about to unleash when he receives a sharp poke in the eye*

Ow Ow Ow !!!

Whut in the name of the One wuz that

The One! Did he just say The One?!?

*Get his crossbow clear, aims at Russ stover, and shoots, catching him just below the knee.*