h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*opens door*

Spiny, the shower is to the right, and you'll find fresh towels in there, too...*points*

*dims lights*

*puts on music: Compay Segundo - soft 'sons' from Cuba*

*lights candles*

Excellent Titania! Your hospitality is much appreciated.

*undresses, gets in shower. Is nearly knocked flat by the water pressure*

Whoah, think I'll turn that down a bit! Should get all the gungy barbecue grease off no bother, though.

*splashes a little from all the bottles on the shelf onto himself*

This feels gooood. And great big fluffy white towels on a warm rack, too. Mmmmmmmmmm....

*After drying himself in rhythm with the Cuban sons, he emerges, somewhat pink and dressed in a fluffy white bathrobe*

Thanks for waiting, Titania. I'm ready for the next bit.

How deep a massage would you like?

I have one techniqe, clothes on, and then a deeper one clothes off - mainly back, neck and shoulders...

Oh, and the first one is sitting up, and the other lying down flat on your stomach

Oh, shoulders, please! Endless time at the computer is tying my muscles in knots.

*lies down*

*pours a few drops of lemon oil into her hands, and rubs them together*

Shoulders, hmmm?

*begins working on the lower part of Spiny's back, because mostly, and surprisingly, the tension comes from there and works its way up*

*warming up both herself and Spiny with big, circular movements with flat palms, all over Spiny's back*

*starts to work on the 'spinae' muscle - the one that holds up the whole spine*

*presses the heel of her hand deep into the muscle next to the spine - pulling it out-and release*

*working her way up to the shoulder blades, then starts on the other side of the spine*

MmmmmFFffff....

Aaahhh....

You're good at this!

*uses her fingertips, pressing them gently but firmly into muscle just above and surrounding shoulder blade, moving fingertips in small circles - press, circle, release - press, circle, release*

Aaah....

I'm melting away...


All these tensions are dissolving...

..and now the 'hump' - some people feel a hump at the very base of their neck when they're really tense, muscles turning into knots...

*a firm grip, with both hands, around Spiny's shoulders, very close to the neck*

*starts pressing her bent thumbs with all her force, using elbows as lever to increase pressure, into the area just below the neck*

*if you are very tensed, this will give you an oddly mixed feeling of pain and well-being, but if you are only a little tensed, it just feels good*

Just be sure to tell me if it's too hard, or too soft!

Aaargh!

Well my Scottish Presbyterian ethic tells me it's sore so it must be good for me

And I've had a knotted lump in there for years. If anyone can fix it, it'll be you, Titania. Pound away!

*grits teeth but is actually enjoying it*

*pressing her thumbs into the outer borders of the 'knot', all around, then a round a bit closer to the middle, and then another round even closer, and around, and another... - until Spiny starts feeling a warmth flowing through muscles (that's the blood flowing into previously tensed and cramped muscles)*

*concentrates on shoulder muscles next*

*using the 'twist' method*

*places her right hand palm next to Spiny's left shoulder close to the neck, pressing it forward, and at the same time a firm grip on outer part of shoulder, pulling it backwards - rather like wringing the water out of a rag*

*reversing twist, pulling shoulder next to neck back, and pressing outer part forwards*

*repeating a couple of times*

*starts working the same procedure on Spiny's right shoulder*

Aah, what a nice warm glow. I didn't realise that thing about the blood. This is making a new man of me!

Careful with those shoulders, Lady T - I'm not as young as I used to be Though you're doing a fine job of rejuvenating me.

*wishes it was for real*

Oh, the 'wringe' is pretty gentle - but I'll skip the shoulder 'pinch' then...

*starts on Spiny's neck*

*a firm one-handed grip with thumb on one side and rest of fingers on other side of the neck, at the base*

*press, pull up, pull out, release*

*working with small, circular movements slowly up the neck to its highest point, and then down again, and up, and down, and up, and down...*

Oh no! I must have drifted off there! I had this terrible dream where I had to carry lots of heavy equipment and work long hours without meal breaks and not get enough sleep and ...and...

Phew! It was all a dream! And yet... why do I ache so?

Come, Lady T and work your magic! If I were a cat I would purr

Funny, purring is exactly what I feel like doing when someone gives me the neck massage, also called the ' grip'...

*pulls a woollen blanket over Spiny to keep him warm*

Now, if you would please turn around and lie on your back...

*starts carefully stretching Spiny's spine making him feel as if he's growing taller, and taller, and taller...*

I'm a house! I'm a tower block! I'm the Eiffel Tower! I'm the Empire State Building! I'm the World Trade Centre!

I feel great, Lady T, but how will I get out of the room?!

Crawling on hands and knees?

*starts on her famous scalp massage, again using fingertips, small circular movements, firm pressure*

Mmmmmm

Aaaaaaah

I see why it's famous...

*ludicrous spectacle of hedgehog purring*