h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: U.S.S. Somers - Mutiny or Murder - A1153225
Author: FloridaSailor - U235886

Here is my first attempt, let me know what you think.

Good idea for an entry, and well written. Just a few points:

I don't understand some of the technical terms - jib, bowsprit, stay sails etc - can you explain them?

How many people in a squadron?

Excellent!

(I posted more to the piece itself - damn, I must stop doing that...)

Really nice entry.

I'm not sufficiently conversant with 1800s maritime law to pass judgement; but, if this was a military vessel, that would take it out of the jurisdiction of the court system.

Congratulations, I think you have a winner.

PS: The first line mentions United Sates.

Fixed the 'Sates' and the birthdate. I'll work up a footnote for the jibs and bowsprit. I want this to be understandable to someone with no knowledge of sea terms without boaring those that do. Please let me know what doesn't make sense and I'll try to clarify.

This is a thoroughly good read Florida Sailor A fascinating story and really well told.

There are some parts of it which need work though and since it's such a long entry it may seem as if there are too many, but it's really not as bad as this makes it look

Eyes down...

Africa's a pretty big place - which part of the coast were they bound for - north, west, or east? I know you mention Tripoli a bit further down which would mean the north, or Mediterranean coast, but it would be worthwhile to add a little extra description here for clarity.

Since you're talking about a specific navy, should the word 'Navy' be capitalised? As in The US Navy or The Royal Navy, which I believe in both instances would be shortened to 'the Navy', and I see now that you have done further down.

Every kind of ship mentioned in the piece has a footnote explaining what it is, except for the one at the heart of the entry - a brig. The only 'brig' I know of is the holding area for criminals on board a ship.

"...of 259 tons displacement the Somers"
Needs a comma between 'displacement' and 'the'.

Since the Editors insist on British English in the Edited Guide, they probably will do so regarding numbers too, so dates should probably be written as 'April 16th 1842' and 'May 12th', although I don't know for sure if there are any written guidelines about this aspect.

Who were the Barberry Pirates?

'harbor' - harbour

'center' - centre

"The U.S. Navy in the 1840s was divided into squadrons, and the highest rank in the U.S. Navy was captain."
That second 'US Navy' is redundant, but it needs something in there to make it clear that Captain is the highest rank in the Navy, not in a squadron - how about replacing it with '...and the highest naval rank at the time was Captain."?

"madden name" - maiden name (unless she was a football commentator )

"A learned man Mackenzie..."
Needs a comma here - 'man, Mackenzie'

"John Slidell who was a Senator..."
The 'who' is surplus to requirements.

"Commander Alexander Slidell Mackenzie was given command of the Somers . And saw to her commissioning."
I think that could quite comfortably be all one sentence.

I believe there's a missing full-stop after "aboard the frigate John Adams".

"The frigate Potomac entered Boston harbor on 31 July 1842 carrying Spencer back one more in disgrace."
Three things here. Firstly, mention of The Potomac is something of a non-sequitur since in the immediately preceding sentence he was resigning his appointment in S. America. Was the Potomac just bringing him back or was he serving on board?
Secondly, the way the sentence is constructed makes it sound as if The Potomac had brought him back before .
And finally, I think there's a 'c' missing in the word 'one'.

wales - Wales

"As incredible as this might seem, piracy was a real concern in the 19th century"
Not *that* incredible, but more so than say, a century or two earlier.

Meriden - meridian

"...proof of Wales accusations" - 'proof of Wales's accusations'

"Mackenzie went on deck and confronted Spencer telling him that I hear you wish to take command of the Somers ."
That bit of first-person reported speech doesn't really work there. You might want to rewrite it along the lines of 'and confronted Spencer, letting him know that he was aware of the plot to take command of the Somers.'

"Under the ‘Articles' anyone who had heard about ant hint of mutiny was eligible for a death sentence."
Do you mean 'anyone who had heard about it but who had not reported it to the Officers'?
'Ant' should probably be 'any', but it might read better if you replaced it with something like 'the merest hint', since you've already used the word 'anyone' in the same sentence.

"At that time; sail maker's mate..."
An errant ';' in there.

"Mackenzie ordered all of the petty officers to be armed with a pistol and cutlass each"
The 'each' is redundant, but it might read better if you used it in place of 'all'.

"...and determine the guilt or innocence of Spencer, Cromwell and Small, and if guilty a recommendation about what should be done with them."
The bit following 'and if guilty' isn't right, but I can't quite explain why. It's sort of in the wrong tense. How about 'to determine the guilt or innocence of Spencer, Cromwell and Small, and if found guilty to recommend what should be done with them.'

Vadilia - Vandalia

That's up to the 'Aftermath' header - I haven't time right now to read through the remainder of the entry, but I will as soon as I can


Scout

I suspect Barberry Pirates should read Barbary Pirates.

Noggin

I wondered about that too - either way they could do with a brief footnote.


Scout

Thank you all or as we say here y'all. I will start editing your excellent points in and update soon. I probaly could have done another day of proof-reading, but I was anxious to see how it was received. I was worried about too many footnotes, but now I see you want more. Thank you for your time and comments.

I believe the Editors are of the opinion that somewhere around seven footnotes is ideal, ten is acceptable, and twelve is pushing it. Any more than that and it's time to start looking at them and wondering if maybe a few could be worked into the entry. I know that I've written entries with something like ten footnotes and found that after the Sub-ed has sent the entry off to the Towers for final editing a few of them have been worked into the body of the entry.

It's not so much a matter of more *footnotes* in this instance, just more explanation


Scout

When I'm subbing, I look at the footnotes and see whether they really *need* to be footnotes, but also look through the text to see if there is anything that would be better off as a footnote. If an entry *needs* lots of footnotes, that's the way it has to be I guess!

OK, I rewrote the problem areas ( hope I got them all ) I am up to 12 footnotes, but I would hate to clutter the sory explaning terms. I do think they add to the overall flavor of the story. I belive the date format is what I read in the guide ie Day Date Month YEAR, with day and month spelled out. Let me know if you find something different.

Thanks

Very good

Seems that Melville pulled most of his inspiration from real life.

Added a Reference site for those who would like to see what the Somers looked like.

Interesting!

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Great stuff, FloridaSailor! Congratulations!

Congrats!