h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hi JS

I've been as good as my word and reviewed the entry for style points. I picked up a few typos and errant commas, and also have made some suggestions to make the meaning clearer. Sorry if I have made any false assumptions, and also I haven't reviewed from the saga descriptions on yet - I thought this would be enough to be going on with!
I have put snippets of the original text, in the order found in Mikey's compilation entry (assuming this is up to date), and then my suggestion/correction

have big following >(missing 'a') have a big following

Dragonball Z was a sequel series. not a spin-off but a sequel to the events that took place in Dragonball.
>(punctuation/suggestion)
Dragonball Z was a sequel series, rather than a spin-off, of the events that took place in Dragonball.

Dragonball had its beginnings in 1986, as a Manga strip , and was the brainchild of cartoonist, Akira Toriyama
>(punctuation)
Dragonball had its beginnings in 1986 as a Manga strip, and was the brainchild of cartoonist Akira Toriyama.

as it was gift from his grandfather so Bulma convices the boy to join her and, along the way, meet many of the characters that would later make up most of the cast in Dragonball Z.
>(missing 'a', comma, typo, suggestion)
as it was a gift from his grandfather, so Bulma convinces the boy to join her. Along the way they meet many of the characters who would later make up most of the cast in Dragonball Z.

the western dubbings had to be seriously edited down before being suitable due to old men reading pornographic magazines and girls flashing.
>(suggestion)
the western dubbings had to be seriously edited down before being suitable, as the Japanese version contained old men reading pornographic magazines and girls flashing.

In Japan, Dragonball ended in 1991, with Goku now a young man, having defeated the evil King Piccolo, and married to his new wife Chi-Chi.
>(suggestion)
In 1991 Dragonball ended in Japan, with Goku a young man who had both defeated the evil King Piccolo, and married his new wife, Chi-Chi.

Toriyama decided to drop the humour and add more to the one 'energy blast', intricate them into honourable fights. (I don't understand this sentence from 'add more' onward)

Also the other members of the huge cast would be concentrated on in almost equal measure meaning Goku was not so central as he was, though still the star. Toriyama also finally decided to tell the reasons ...
>(suggestion)
Another change from Dragonball was that the other characters of the huge cast were concentrated on as much as Goku, so he was not always the central character, though still the star. Toriyama also finally decided to explain the reasons ...

and there were sagas that were a metephorical breather for the viewer.
>(suggestion, typo)
and there were some sagas that were a metaphorical breather for the viewer.

Toriyama continued to write the script in the Japanese version but the American one changed the wording slightly but it stayed faithful.
>(suggestion)
Toriyama continued to write the script in the Japanese version, but the American one, while remaining faithful to the spirit, changed the wording slightly.

on his first martial arts trainer Master Roshi's island.
>(suggestion)
on the island of his first martial arts trainer, Master Roshi.

Gohan, Goku's son, named after Goku's grandfather and is also sporting a tail along with wearing a hat that has the four-star ball on it
>(suggestion)
Gohan, Goku's son, named after Goku's grandfather. Gohan also sports a tail, as Goku had, and wears a hat with the four-star ball on it

Footnote 10: retrieve's >(typo) retrieves
Piccolo, Goku's nemesis, has been in training after his to defeat Goku
> (suggestion)
Piccolo, Goku's nemesis, has been in training after his defeat to Goku,

learn to deflect, repel of even absorb energy. If too much energy is used, then that would make the cast too tired or you could die from it if you use all of your energy.
However, it could be used to sense other characters with high energy levels or make you fly.
> (typo, suggestions)
learn to deflect, repel or even absorb energy. If too much energy is used it could make the character tired, and even lead to death if all their energy was used.
It could also be used to sense other characters with high energy levels, or allow the character to fly.

techniques were performed by usually
> (suggestion)
techniques were usually performed by

Goku's Kamehameha was the most famous for this because it was the most common move (as anybody who trained under Master Roshi learned how to do it) where each syllabul would be shouted when clasping his hands together to let loose the blast with hands outstretched together
> (typo, suggestions)
Goku's Kamehameha was the most famous signature move, mostly because it was the most common move (anybody who trained under Master Roshi learned how to do it). In this move each syllable would be shouted while clasping the hands together, then to let loose the blast the hands were outstretched together.

Sagas were usually named after their subject matter and, the longest ones could be well into 30 episodes long.
> (punctuation suggestion)
Sagas were usually named after their subject matter, with the longest ones having as many as 30 episodes.

That is enough for now

Hope you find the suggestions helpful. I may have misunderstood one or two bits, so my suggestions offer how I would phrase what I *thought* you were saying. Golly I hope Mikey's version is up-to-date and you haven't already corrected these points in the sub entries

Pimms

I agree with all those corrections.

The energy blast was reference to the Kamehameha.

Good . May be a day or too before I tackle the other half (if you want me to ) RL a bit pressured at moment

Pimms

You decision!

Are you able to make the changes suggested yourself to your entries via digibox? I have no idea what is or isn't possible with digiboxes (no one has them where I live)

A scout is unlikely to pick this in its uncorrected form unless there is a good reason.

Pimms

I got a PC for Christmas... I'm on that right now...

In that case, do you think you could turn A1147367 into an entry with all the parts strung together, and then make the corrections on that?


Mikey

Don't mind if I copy/paste the long version you made?

Oh, go right ahead. Do you know how to use the testuserpage function to get the guideML to copy?

Yikes, not testuserpage, but test -- Mikey is suffering from far too much sleep deprivation these days, sorry!

Anyways, you can find it at <./>test1166528</.>


Mikey

What's happening Jack?

Pimms

I need to adjust the Dragonball intro.

Has the move to your xmas pc worked smoothly, have you managed to create your own compilation entry?

Hope it's going well - don't forget to post on this thread when further comment will be valuable.

Pimms

Yes the compilation is there!

You're getting there.

Besides the typos and spelling/grammar errors pointed out above, the other thing that needs to be addressed is (as I mentioned earlier) the use of line breaks. For example, right now, many of your sections read like this (look at the formatting, not what it actually says):

The first sentence in the paragraph goes on and talks about something and keeps going and then, at the end of the sentence, the paragraph doesn't continue but instead jumps to the next line.
And the next sentence starts on the next line, and goes on and does much the same thing, and then it when it's time for the next sentence, it goes on to the next line again.
See, like this?

Whereas normal paragraphs might look like:

The first sentence in the paragraph goes on and talks about something and keeps going and then, at the end of the sentence, the paragraph continues on the same line. And the next sentence starts on the next line, and goes on and does much the same thing, and then it when it's time for the next sentence, it simply continues on again. See, like this?

The reason for this seems to be that you have used lots of guideML breaks "" in your entry. Entries for the Edited Guide should virtually never have guideML breaks at all. There should be a at the beginning of a paragraph and a at the end, but no 's. Does that make sense?

It's where? Please put its A number in the reply. Good point on avoiding use of by Mikey

Pimms

A1147367

I'm sure that wasn't all there last time I looked


So, still some work needed to help the entry flow better. Glad to see the amendments you've already made. This is obviously still in progress as you haven't addressed the last few suggestions I made in post 61 yet - and skipped the one about the sentence I couldn't understand:

> Toriyama decided to drop the humour and add more to the one 'energy blast', intricate them into honourable fights. (I don't understand this sentence from 'add more' onward)

Let us know when you've finished or want people to have another look

Pimms

I prefer the breaks, they make the entry easier to read.

And I was correcting the mistakes when you last posted!