h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Funnily enough, I don't contribute, when there's no one else to take part in a discussion. Besides, I think one of my "posts" is equivalent to about fifty others and should be given credit for this. [After all, you’re the people, who seem to value quantity over quality.]

As the Greek Orthodox priest, Father Yodapodadopolis [famously played by Alec Guinness] says in Scene 8, Act LVII of Shakespeare's superb aviation disaster epic, "A Mid-Air, In-flight Scream '79: the Completeturkey", "Gadzooks, Peeps! A shoving-together of icons in my west window doth not a discourse sensible make."

You may not have been lucky enough to see a performance of this masterpiece but, chortle, the pilot, hee hee, [played by George Kennedy] wittily replies, "Enough of your 'concomitant crudities' and 'exuberances', sir. Verily, I con [Geddit?] be doinge this sort o' thynge hereout: now, be of firm grip, for I am taking her about." By means of ingenious special effects, the audience are actually made to feel as if the aircraft is looping the loop! I don't know how they did it.

However, to return to the matter at hand, I'm quite happy to clutter up the board with inane drivel [What does, "so I see" mean?] or even play two parts simultaneously, in the manner of Tommy Cooper, if that's what you want.

In my opinion, there's far too much cake and champagne being consumed, anyway, at least for ordinary operations but there is one way, in which this surfeit of party food could be put to good use.

I suggest the formation of special "Fat/ Legless Assassination Squad (Heavy)" [FLAS-H] within the organisation, to which the Assassin's top gourmands [French for "greedy git", cf. "Ca stuffit."] would be seconded.

Such a squad would be very useful for bumping off (and bumping into) people at Christmas parties etc, where silly, drunk and tubby people would blend in without any difficulty. Let me outline the type of operation I envisage.

Two fatties could suffocate a victim by engaging him/ her in conversation, as the drinks are handed out, and then squashing him/ her between their huge bodies for a few minutes, before drawing back and exclaiming, in very loud and exaggerated "Hooray Henry" tones [using a loud hailer, if necessary], to a suitably gullible member of the staff, "Oh, look, this chap/ gal has fainted."

Meanwhile, around twenty-five other members of the squad will have made their way to the first floor, where, seated on bouncy hoppers, they will simulate an earthquake by pounding the floor, as soon as the public school twits have given their signal [see above].

Terrified guests will run for their lives [N.B. Ensure party held in masonry/ brick structure, not steel-framed building] and the two operatives [technically known as "Squashers"] in the ballroom can make their escape into the courtyard at the rear.

The Bouncing Team will gain access to a fire escape [which will have been specially reinforced, a few days earlier, by Duckyard staff, posing as a team of Civil Engineering contractors, who- so as not to arouse suspicion- will claim to be building a Motorway flyover] and the whole group will be rescued by the 27 000 dwt bulk carrier, MV Cilla, [cunningly disguised as Barrow-in-Furness]. The ship has been specially converted for amphibious ops by welding radio-controlled roller skates [equipped with four-wheeled drive] to the keel. On land, the bulker has a top speed of around 4 kts, so in a matter of only a few weeks, the squad will be safely back at base.

You may be interested to know that the ship is named after the monster of ancient times, who used to sit in the Cavern, near a large estuary, and terrify visiting sailors, with her dreadful wailing. Some of them even handed over items of clothing, hoping to stop her opening her mouth but many ran, screaming, and jumped into nearby ponds. Even today, it is said, those pools are stained by their livers.

Alas, not even the offer of a post, [as a fog siren] with the MDHB at New Brighton, was enough to prevent the terrible tragedy, which then unfolded. Over the years, countless numbers were murdered but, hypnotised by her eerie song [or perhaps frightened of what she might do next], the people remained loyal.

Right, that's enough mythology for today: it's time we got back to the business of assassination. I think we'd got to the point, where we are extracting the squad from the building. Yes, here we are.

Using the ship's cranes to lift the squad into the hold would take several hours, so- once the ship has been manoeuvred into position and tethered to the fire escape- the squad will board her, by trampolining off a gargantuan bouncy castle (BC). The BC will be released and inflated by the crew, upon receipt of the Squad Leader's message, "Last one on board's a rotten egg", by the Cilla's Pursuer

[He's in charge of accommodation on the ship etc but he sleeps in so often that they had to change his title. It's likely that he'll be some distance to the stern, in a motor launch, which is presumably being carried on the back of an LGV.]

The Squad Leader will employ his jumbo, novelty, signal-flag cuff links [the sail maker having altered and reinforced the lower part of his right sleeve, so that there is a sufficient number of suitable holes.]

The bulker could easily be parked behind the conservatory [or, alternatively, near Morecambe Bay], in order to avoid attracting attention, until it is needed.

sorry that post was far to long to keep my mind frm wondering after the 1st para i prob only skimmed it, probably not noticing ay of your well thought out points ...


are you trying to get the longest postiongs in 24 hours?

[Dismissively] Pah! You and whose navy?

[MAX moves closer and speaks quietly and coldly, even threateningly. Everyone else is suddenly silent.]

Your jokes will never make it to the shores of Fatherland... unless, we are talking [mood lightens] about your sportsmen or your motor cars, ja? No, come to think of it they'd be lucky to make it out of the factory. Ah-ha-ha-ha.

[Fellow submariners join in laughter. The English turn crimson and their top lips start to wobble slightly.]

*The Scot watches the englsih quiver with delight*

so your german Max?

Ach so, it was too long. I didn't realise that you were a "Yankee- Doodle Dandy", my friend.

It should not surprise anyone that my posts are of superior quality and greater length.

In this particular case, I am merely responding to criticism about the recent shortage of material. The Kriegsm.. er, I mean, my employers are much more customer-focused these days.

are you dileberatly trying to confuse

*coughs a quiet reply of just two phrases that will bring Max's comments to the floor in a burning pile much like 'Fatherland's' past*

5-1 and Battle of Britain



*stands to one side like a victorious superhero showing off his strong chest and ivory white teeth*

You despise the English too, then? It's good to have an ally.

Have a good day!

[under his breath to his assistant, while still smiling at the Scotsman, who is too far away to hear.]

It is always amusing to watch a Scottish nationalist stand up and say "we have been oppressed by the English for hundreds of years."

No one is fooled: when a quarter of the Globe was coloured pink- no doubt to represent all those sunburnt Englishmen in the Tropics- and Glasgow produced vast quantities of shipping, railway locomotives, machinery and, er, carpets, all the kilt-wearing, haggis-eating, Braveheart-watching Anglophobes of today were "True-Blue" Tory engineers and factory workers or enthusiastic builders of the glorious "British Empire and Commonwealth".

Now that the staple industries have collapsed, and their economy has gone "belly up", as they say, the Scots have reinvented themselves as a "victims" of English Imperialism.

[sighs] We can never hope to match their sense of humour.

ok my witty frankfurter. i did not wish to resort to this but seeing as the European Championship is just round the corner i may as well get the practice in


*clears throat and gargles a few unbearable notes*

you ready, here goes.



2 world wars and 1 world cup, doo daaaaah doo daaaaaaah


too true on the scootish front Heinrich

to be honest i don't care ... it jsut nice and sterotypical to hate the english ...


However at the moment the industries in my fair city of aberdeen are Oil and fishing. Oil is nearly gone and the goverment is now doing its best to destroy our ability to fish.

what does the goverment want us to do for a living.

i think you need to look at the oppressed Welsh for inspiration there me old chap. there is always Valium and wreckless joyriding to pass the time.

not to mention penis enlargements

I think im just gonan join the RN ... been thinking about it for awhile ... so max when you ask whose navy


i say


MY NAVY

Compare the two countries' quality of life; standard of living; productivity [Do you have any industry left?]; public transport; cultural and civic activities; and the systems of health care. If Britain won the war, then it's a good thing for Germany that she lost. Berlin, Koln and Hamburg may have been ruined in 1945, thanks to "Bomber Harris" and other maniacs (whose victims were mainly civilian refugees) but the country was rebuilt within fifteen years.

You, on the other hand, decided that the Luftwaffe hadn't done enough damage and, in the thirty years following the end of the War, remodelled your cities with such delightful features as tower blocks, concrete shopping malls, road junctions and wasteland. In the countryside, you have destroyed agriculture, left villages deserted and allowed wealthy city dwellers to build kitsch bungalows all over the place.

It is interesting that you should use the word, "past". The social and cultural decline of your once-great nation is seemingly endless, so you think of the "good, old days", trying to fool youselves that everything is going well by repeating the mantra, "We are the fourth largest economy in the World." Ironically, by burying your heads in the sand, you often destroy those things from your past, which are worthy of preservation.

A final thought.

The English live in the past, refuse to acknowledge the present and hide from the future.

While acknowledging the past, Germans live in the present and face the future.

I can't do anything about what the generations before me did, and i agree with your comments.

What is a teenager who is only just finding out how screwed up his countrys industrys are becoming ment to do about it?

hmmm, a more serious posting indeed requires more serious thought Max. i am but 22 years of age and not entirely up on knowledge from our past, which to a certain extent should quash your theory that that is where i dwell.

i shall start by comparing the 2 countries to the extent of my experience and knowledge:


"Do you have any industry left?"

not sure we do export many goods but nothing dominant. still quite versatile in that respect. most of our inner city commerce is in insurance and overseas investments though our farming industry is still, despite popular belief, thriving in todays european market.
i work in an office block and over look acres upon acres of farmland for crops and cattle. ironic eh?


"public transport"

i walk practically everywhere. you got me here, it does suck. but did you know that really big and historic station in Russia is modelled on London Victoria...yeah, i couldn't see the resembance neither.


"cultural and civic activities"


British Culture is a myth. it has never existed. the wonderful thing about european asylum seeker policies and 'Blind eye' approach to dealing with them has meant an influx of many different cultures into our mainstream. if you want diversity in way of culture and civic activities, England is the place to be. unless of course you prefer the robot lifestyle of mainland europe.


"systems of health care"


again, like the public transport. but i do believe this area is improving. but you know the British, give em a Castle they'll want the Palace.


"Berlin, Koln and Hamburg may have been ruined in 1945, thanks to "Bomber Harris" and other maniacs (whose victims were mainly civilian refugees) but the country was rebuilt within fifteen years."



being a Polish descendent i could easily label a few maniacs on the other side of my own so we'll skip that one and label it 'Casualty of War'. and i have never heard of Koln and Hamburg i associate with burgers, which shows how much interest i took in History.


"You, on the other hand, decided that the Luftwaffe hadn't done enough damage and, in the thirty years following the end of the War, remodelled your cities with such delightful features as tower blocks, concrete shopping malls, road junctions and wasteland."

you're 4th strongest economy in the world, where are we


"the countryside, you have destroyed agriculture, left villages deserted and allowed wealthy city dwellers to build kitsch bungalows all over the place."


so you've been to Lower Kingswood

seriously, i don't think you have travelled enough. Agricuture is doing very well for such an over populated country and thank god for that waste land else where else would we put up housing for the refugees your government doesn't want to deal with?


"It is interesting that you should use the word, "past". The social and cultural decline of your once-great nation is seemingly endless"

as pointed out earlier, i think endlessly adaptive is a better phrase.


"you think of the "good, old days", trying to fool youselves that everything is going well by repeating the mantra"


back to comparisons, who last tried to build an Empire


"by burying your heads in the sand, you often destroy those things from your past, which are worthy of preservation."

i have to admit, the FA's handling of Wembley stadium is a bit of a farce


"A final thought.

The English live in the past, refuse to acknowledge the present and hide from the future.

While acknowledging the past, Germans live in the present and face the future."

here's a thought for ya, Beagle 2 - British

having trouble coming up with a forward thinking German attribute

I have taken history, however what i have studied is the creation of the current system of goverment and the creation of the welfare state.

studied a topic called appeasment and the road to war. Studying the reasons behind leaving beginning awar to so late, and why they stopped appeasing and retaliated.

now im about to start on a russia topic.

Actually, I thought that, in name at least, it was Her Britannic Majesty's. A "drama queen" you may be but I think it unlikely that you have been promoted THAT far.

In any case, even if you had any real influence, a dozen corvettes, a cute, little, "light fleet" carrier and three submarines, full of sailors ready to do their duty [Surely, " damage their eyesight and pass on genetic defects to their children"?- Ed] wouldn't overly concern me.

Your Ministry of Defence, which I believe is affectionately referred to by British service personnel as "Malfunction Junction", knows how to celebrate the bicentenary of Trafalgar in style! More cuts, anyone?

Of course, you could have a proper navy, if you didn't fritter away all your money on pointless ICBM systems and sitting du.. large aircraft carriers, in order that you may act as cheerleaders for the "Washington World Dominators" football team.

Tell me, what's it like, living an American colony? It must be difficult for you, having ruled the waves for so long, to have to kow-tow to people, who think that a strawberry malt and a "Big Mac" count as "haute cuisine". Oh, but I was forgetting: most of you would think that too.

Q. What is _______ meant to do about it?

A. Stop thinking like a "Sun" journalist.

that is about the only thing puttign me off joining the navy ... the fact that the leaders of the uk seam to enjoy doing what america tells them too.

i don't understand the 2 large to replace 3 small. to me 3 platforms that can be in 3 different place than 2 that can only be in 2 places.


I also found the imported american fast food quite disgusting.

macdonalds has even resorted to addberts saying "OUR FOOD TASTES NICE" to try and convince people that it is true.

after i put so much effort into putting your points that i was referring to in i find your post rather confusing. and capital letters, surely you are spoiling us.


how little you know the British, did you not see the Nation out in protest against America? or were they too busy rebuilding an old barn for preservation purposes to bother putting TV aerials up where you are?

and those little men in their little subs with their defective eyesight sank the head ship in the Nazi fleet and caused old uncle Adolf more problems than a dodgy toothbrush.

as for our MoD, it serves it's purpose very well, you needn't worry about Saddam anymore, we sorted that out for you as well

nice metaphor on the footie team, but i very much doubt washington would have done anything without British support, which makes us more dangerous than them. tis a shame the British public doesn't agree with Shrub, i included.


and, your halls of parliament will soon be ringing with the sound of Polish voices, you know, the country you invaded in tanks and got beat back by farmers on horse back