h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

At the next annual secret weapons contest, we, the Spanish Inquisition, shall present our DEADLIEST ASSORTMENT of WEAPONS of MASS DESTRUCTION YET!!!
They include a lantern made out of MOLDED SNOW, with a tea candle gracing its innards, some very loud CASTANETS, a small WAD of orange paper, a BOOK of Classical Arabian Poems translated into English three CENTURIES ago, a storage vessel containing honey we nick-I mean, BORROWED from the Elm Street Barbershop, some scrumptious biscuits, an EMPTY POT of YOGHURT (strawberry), a CARBINE from the French Revolutionfffffffffff (NOT to be mistaken with either the French Revolutio, the French Revolutionf, or the Aztec civil war), a LIFE-SIZE poster of ze national anthem, some ANCIENT moldy scimitars, a BALD man in a WHITE suit who sits around playing a piano, a TEDDY LLAMA (missing a head though) (retails for $666.99), and an UPSIDE DOWN QUETION MARK!!!!¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿? Those, thsoe are the most dangerous THIRTEEN weapons EVEEEEER!!!!!
~master?
~yes?
~THAT'S FOURTEEN!!!!!!!
~Oh crap.

I bet you didn't expect that, did ya? Fourteen weapons! Haha, flee in fear from our dreadful fourteen weapons, which are a handful of snow molded into a lantern, a tea candle that goes inside said lantern, loud annoying badly-played castanets, a small wad of orange paper, A book of Classical Arabic poems translated into English in the 18th century, a storage vessel of the round kind full of class-A honey from the Elm Street barbershop, a few biscuits (one half-eaten), an empty pot of strawberry yoghurt, a nice old rusty carbine from the French Revolutionfffffff, which by the way should not be confused with a number of completely different historical events, a life-sized poster of the National Anthem of Australia, some ancient moldy scimitars, a bald man in a white suit playing "Strangers in the Night" on a grand piano (other songs also available, ask the barman), a decapitated Teddy Llama, an upside-down question mark (¿) and three mismatching socks worn once by the Pope himself!!!
Cower in total awe as we brandish these most horrible fourteen--- now wait a minute... ¿I got it wrong again, didn't I?

How many could it *possibly* be now?

Fifteen, actually...

Traveller in Time on his head
"Three mismatching socks adding as one hurd of laundry?"

Our many, may weapons are a handful of snow molded into a lantern, a tea candle that goes inside said lantern, loud annoying badly-played castanets, a small wad of orange paper, A book of Classical Arabic poems translated into English in the 18th century, a storage vessel of the round kind full of class-A honey from the Elm Street barbershop, a few biscuits (one half-eaten), an empty pot of strawberry yoghurt, a nice old rusty carbine from the French Revolutionfffffff, which by the way should not be confused with a number of completely different historical events, a life-sized poster of the National Anthem of Australia, some ancient moldy scimitars, a bald man in a white suit playing "Strangers in the Night" on a grand piano (other songs also available, ask the barman), a decapitated Teddy Llama, an upside-down question mark (¿), three mismatching socks worn once by the Pope himself, and A SHRUBBERY!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

*trying to hurridly write this down as it is said*

so was that 16 or seventeen?

*is hit over the head by a fourth vicous attack sock*

and should we count that?

*tries to calculate on fingers*

I think it was seventeen... or maybe eighteen? Now let's see: we have a lantern molded from a handful of snow, a tea candle for the lantern, castanets, a small wad of orange paper, a book of Classical Arabic poems translated into English in the 18th century, a pot of honey from the Elm Street barbershop, some biscuits, an empty pot of strawberry yoghurt, a rusty carbine from the French Revolutionfffff, a life-size poster with the national anthem of our friends from Down Under, a couple of ancient moldy scimitars, a bald man in a white suit playing a grand piano (we should really ask him to switch songs already!), a decapitated Teddy-Llama, an upside-down question-mark (¿), three socks once worn by his Holliness the Pope, a shruberry, a fourth vicious attack sock, and of course this famished doberman right here... *backs away from the doberman*
So that's... oh dammit, I lost count again. ¿Did you count it maybe?

wasnt it 18.5? *backs away from doberman also*

No, definitely 18.

And it's "shrubbery".

I think you didn't understand the point of the game, Shagrath... please and read post 1, so we can keep playing!

No, I do--I added the shrubbery post. Quit yelling at me for everything!

And just to prove it...

Our nineteen weapons are a lantern molded from a handful of snow, a tea candle for the lantern, castanets, a small wad of orange paper, a book of Classical Arabic poems translated into English in the 18th century, a pot of honey from the Elm Street barbershop, some biscuits, an empty pot of strawberry yoghurt, a rusty carbine from the French Revolutionfffff, a life-size poster with the national anthem of our friends from Down Under, a couple of ancient moldy scimitars, a bald man in a white suit playing a grand piano (we should really ask him to switch songs already!), a decapitated Teddy-Llama, an upside-down question-mark (¿), three socks once worn by his Holliness the Pope, a shruberry, a fourth vicious attack sock, a famished doberman, and an AE ligature (Æ) [just to add to the madness of the ¿].

So there.

didn't mean to yell...
But the game continues, you see. There are other things after the shrubbery now.

Sorry AGAIN, simpost...
My, what's wrong with me today?

I'm not sure, but you'd better add another weapon quick, or Michael Palin will be after us...

Right! Well then, we have now... ¿twenty weapons, was it?
And these twenty weapons, these twenty most frightful weapons of dread, are a handful of snow molded into a lantern, a tea candle put inside aforementioned lantern, a pair of castanets, a small wad of orange paper, Sir William Jones' translation to English of the Mu'allaqat (Classical Arabic poetry), published 1783, a pot of wonderful golden top-quality honey aquired from the barbershop on Elm Street, some biscuits (¿weren't there more the last time? i¿Who's been eating the biscuits?!), an empty pot of strawberry yoghurt, a rusty carbine from the French Revolutionffffff, a life-size poster of the Australian National Anthem, a couple of ancient moldy scimitars, a bald man in a white suit that is STILL playing that bloody grand piano, a Teddy-Llama without a head, an upside-down question-mark (¿), three socks once worn by the Pope, a shrubbery, a fourth vicious attack sock (not worn by his Holliness), a famished doberman, an Æ, certain to confuse all our enemies, and Michael Palin!!!
These are our twenty horrible terrible awful weapons- ...just a second now... iTWENTY ONE!

Our twenty-one or so wweapons of mass bizarreness are a handful of snow molded into a lantern, a tea candle put inside aforementioned lantern, a pair of castanets, a small wad of orange paper, Sir William Jones' translation to English of the Mu'allaqat (Classical Arabic poetry), published 1783, a pot of wonderful golden top-quality honey aquired from the barbershop on Elm Street, some biscuits WITH the aforementioned honey ATOP them, an empty pot of strawberry yoghurt, a rusty carbine from the French Revolutionffffff, a life-size poster of the Australian National Anthem, a couple of ancient moldy scimitars one of which has CRUMBLED INTO DUST!, a bald man in a white suit that has gotten CARPAL TUNNEL from playing the piano, a Teddy-Llama without a head, an upside-down question-mark (¿), three socks once worn by the Pope himself, ALL AT THE SAME TIME, a shrubbery, a fourth vicious attack sock (not worn by his Holiness), a famished doberman, an Æ, certain to confuse all our enemies, Michael Palin, and A GREEN BOUNCY BALL!!!! MWA HA HA HA!!!
These are our twenty horrible terrible awful weapons- ...just a second now... iTWENTY ONE!

(Hey, Yael, you used an 'i', not a '¡'. Cheater!)

is most definatly confused*

*tries to write this down*

so theres an handful of snow molded into a lantern
a tea candle put inside aforementioned lantern
a pair of castanets whcih click beautifully
a small wad of orange paper
Sir William Jones' translation to English of the Mu'allaqat (Classical Arabic poetry)
a pot of golden top-quality honey aquired from the barbershop on Elm Street which is wonderful
some biscuits with the aforementioned honey on them
an empty pot of strawberry yoghurt
a rusty carbine from the French Revolutionffffff
a life-size poster of the Australian National Anthem
a couple of ancient moldy scimitars (one of whcih has crumbled)
a bald man in a white suit (now with carpal tunnel)
a Teddy-Llama without a head
an upside-down question-mark (¿)
three socks (not) worn by the Pope himself
a shrubbery
a fourth vicious attack sock (possibly worn by his Holiness)
a famished doberman
an Æ, certain to confuse all our enemies
Michael Palin
a green bouncy ball
......oh and a angry looking neighbour telling us to be quiet

now how many's that?