h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"I couldn't be more scared if a hippo returned from a hard day at the swap to find me dressed in his pjarmas, smoking his cigars and in bed with his wife"

Absolutly wonderful - one that also kept me laughing for weeks was Blackadder's description of the balance of power prior to WW1 to Baldrick:

Blackadder: "The idea was that there would be two great power blocks with us, the Russians and the French on one side and the Germans and the the Austro-Hungarians on the other, so that each side would act as the other's deterrant. There was just one slight flaw in the plan."
Baldrick: "What was that?"
Blackadder: "It was bollocks."

The deadpan way Rowan Atkinson delivers that last line still cracks me up.

Surely, the one about the Budlegh Salterton Twilight Rest Home for the Terminally Short of Cash

"i love you, dr johnson, and i want to have your babies"

"I smell something fishy, and I'm not talking about the contents of Baldrick's apple crumble."

"You know what this means? it means that you, Percy, Lord Percy, are an utter berk."

(series 2, money)

where to begin, there are hundreds of hilarious quotes throughout the series. here are a selection of my favourites.

Flashheart: Always treat your kite like you treat your woman!
George: How, how do you mean, Sir? Do you mean, do you mean take her home at weekends to meet your mother?
Flashheart: No, I mean get inside her five times a day and take her to heaven and back.

Von Richthoven: How lucky you English are to find the toilet so amusing. For us, it is a mundane and functional item. For you, the basis of an entire culture.

Flashheart: Mind if I use your phone? If word gets out that I'm missing, five hundred girls will kill themselves. I wouldn't want them on my conscience, not when they ought to be on my face! Huh! (on phone) Hi, Flashheart here. Yeah, cancel the state funeral, tell the King to stop blubbing. Flash is not dead. I simply ran out of juice! Yeah, and before all the girls start saying "Oh, what's the point of living anymore?", I'm talking about petrol! Woof, woof!

George: Sir, just one thing. If we should happen to tread on a mine, what do we do?
Edmund: Well, normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet into the air and scatter yourself over a wide area.

Melchett: Blackadder, started talking to yourself I see.
Blackadder: Yes, it's the only way I can be sure of intelligent conversation.

Percy: But, Edmund, surely France has already been discovered. By the French, for a start.

Baldrick: I found it particularly ironic, My Lord, because I've got a thingy that's shaped like a turnip!

Edmund: Give the like of Baldrick the vote and we'll be back to cavorting druids, death by stoning, and dung for dinner.
Baldrick: Oh, I'm having dung for dinner tonight.

George: Marry? Never! I'm a gay bachelor, Blackadder. I'm a roarer, a rogerer, a gorger and a puker! I can't marry, I'm young, I'm firm buttocked, I'm...
Edmund: Broke?
George: Well, yes, I suppose so.

I think i shall stop before my head explodes with overcrowding of top hole quotes. Im sure i could fill the same space over again and again. But that's all for now.

Blackadder: Baldrick, believe me, eternity in the company of Beelzebub and all his hellish instruments of death will be a picnic compared to five minutes with me and this pencil, if we can't replace this dictionary.

- Ink and Incapability

Blackadder: Baldrick, have you no idea what irony is?
Baldrick: Yes, it's like goldy and bronzy only it's made out of iron.

- Amy and Amiability

I can't remember it exactly, but the one that cracks me up is in money, series 2 where percy thinks he has discovered gold, but is in fact 'green', and the next day, percy is wearing a brooch made out of 'green', and he says, i am wearing a brooch of purest green, and blackadder goes 'percy, it looks like you've sneezed!

Blackadder is the best.
So there.
From Amy-wamy.

All I have to say to that is


Squirrel!

PERSONALLY I WOULD MUD-WRESTLE MY OWN MOTHER FOR A TON OF CASH AN AMUSING CLOCK AND A SACK OF FRENCH PORN.

Oooh, also when Baldricks *ahem* private region is shot when he is being used for target practise by Percy (S2) and, by chance, his *lucky willy* gets in the way, and he will show it to all his grandkids, but old Slackbladder says, Baldrick, you probably won't have any Grandkids now!!!!!!!
From Amy-wamy
PS KILL ALL SQUIRRELS!!!!!!

Blackadder: Everything goes over your head, doesn't it, George? You should go to Jamaica and become a limbo dancer.

- Major Star

You were the least convining female impressionist since Tarzan went through Jane's handbag and ate her lipstick. It cracks me up every time!
Amy-Wamy

"See the little goblin, see his little feet...
And his little nosey-wose, isn't the goblin sweet?
YES!"

--Beer, Blackadder II

Blackadder: You see the ancient Greeks, your Highness, wrote in legend of a terrible container in which all the evils of the world were trapped. How prophetic they were. All they got wrong was the name. They called it 'Pandora's Box', when of course they meant 'Baldrick's Trousers'.

- Nob and Nobility

"The Path of my life is strewn with cow pats from the devil's own satanic herd!"
--Money, Blackadder II

"I'm wearing a cardinal's hat because I'm Cardinal Chunder... I've got an ostrich feather up my bottom because Mister Ostrich put it there to keep in the little pixies... and I'm grinning inanely because I think I've just about succeeded in in conning you and your daft husband out of a whopping great inheritance, heeheeheeheee!"
--Beer, Blackadder II

Blackadder: We're in the stickiest situation since Sticky the Stick Insect got stuck on a sticky bun.

(I tried using this once in real life and got some very odd looks. I think it's only funny in Blackadder.)

a vow of silence! that sounds interesting! tell me about it...

Baldrick: It shall be my lucky willy, I shall leave it there forever. years from now, I shall show it to my grandchildren.
Blackadder: Sadly Balders, I think grandkids are out of the question now