h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

How do you stop those who wish to tell you about their particular religious sect?

I have found one way, but only works when one has plenty of time, usually 10- 15 minutes I have found works wonders.

When They come to door, and they go into their usual speal, come back with a few thought provoking points. that usualy has them thumbing through their Bibles (christan).

Usualy they come back with their trained answers. Do this a couple of times and they soon start looking for their party who is usully standing around, having doors shut on them. Which point they say their goodbyes and walk away at a quick pace.

Normally they do not bother me again.

Lightman

I tend to find that answering the door with a meat cleaver sends them on their way pretty sharpish...

Or a crucifix...not many people argue with devout Catholics...

A friend of mine answered the door in the buff to religious salesmen - that seemed to have the same effect too...

I do tend to say rather loudly (next to the open window) "Who the f*** is that NOW!!!". Usually they chuck a magazine at you and run away

On that note, one of my friends answered the door in a dressing gown and said "Do you mind? I've got a customer upstairs and we're about to sacrifice a goat." Her mother commented that they never came round again.

Last year when I was sharing a house, the Jehovah's Witnesses called and my housemate asked them to call next week.....when I was in and he wasn't. So when they arrived, after a brief discussion I managed to convince him my housemate was my fiance and that he'd appreciate them calling round sometime during the week (when I was out, obviously!). My housemate was not amused, and the poor Jehovah's Witness guessed what was going on and never called again.

I felt kind of guilty about it, after all they feel they're doing God's work, but it is intrusive.

I did have friends who when seeing two soberly dressed men walking up their garden path paniced and dumped all of their stash over the garden wall. On answering the door, they discovered that these men were not the local CID, but were Mormons instead.

They're opening gambit of, "Hello we're missionaries from God." was met with a furious, "Well we don't eat our grandparents round here any more. **** off!"

"Jesus just left" usually works for me. You do get some stares and odd looks but what the hell, I'm not going around to their house asking if they want to get pi**ed and chase loose women.

Straying slightly from the religious aspect, there are serious aspects of "doorstep etiquette" which need to be addressed here:
There are two types of people who knock at one's front door:

1) Friends or relations, who you are usually expecting to call. The correct procedure with these lifeforms is to invite them into your home and offer them a cup of or some , depending upon their preferences.

2) The second (uninvited) type must be psychically harassed by every possible means. Apart from the religion-mongers, the most common type of doorstep pest will be trying to sell you something (usually electricity or gas supplies). For some unfathomable reason, the gas companies these days seem very keen to sell you electricity and vice versa. (There is probably another Guide entry somewhere which explains why this is so. I suspect it involves the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.)

It is, of course, perfectly possible to merely request that they depart in a copulatory fashion. This, however, is NOT polite, and this thread is ALL ABOUT etiquette (please pay attention at the back there).

The polite person, therefore, will respond enthusiastically to their questions. It is obviously an important subject to them and it would be rude not to share their interest.

Start by explaining that, in fact, you have a SURPLUS of the product that they wish to sell you. In the case of electricity, tell them that you generate more than you need, for example by the use of large numbers of hamsters and wheels. At this point they usually start to look a little nervous.

Explain to them that you have been waiting for a representative of their company to call, so that arrangements can be made for THEM to buy your surplus electricity. Ask about rates. At this point they will glance behind themselves, for reassurance about the location of the front gate.

Request a copy of their business card and mobile telephone number, so that you can call them later to discuss the whole matter at greater length with reference to some theories you have on the origins of the Universe. If, at this point, they are still at your front door, it is considered reasonably polite to use physical force. On the other hand, if they have used the words "sorry to have troubled you" at some point during their departure, it is DEEPLY discourteous to shoot them in the back.

On the other hand, if one is pressed for time, explaining to them that you work for a rival company works a good deal quicker and is not really bad manners.

I invite them in....offer tea and cake (usually throws them) then question them about the religion....I listen...patiently....then proceed to counter by telling them about my chosen religion....wicca....and how most of their festivals n stuff are poached from paganism anyway.....there are ways and means...they usually make their excuses......a friend and I were going to go round on april 1st with broom sticks and copies of the 'witchtower'.....

Oddly enough, we never get Jehovah's Witnesses coming to our house. Could be the big sign outside: "Rectory".

You know, I liked the approach of a couple of friends of mine:

"If you think I'm not going to tell you to f*** off because you've got a seven year old girl with you, you're wrong. So f*** off.".

My usually approach is to tell tham that religion is a refuge for the emotionally incapable and intellectually subnormal and I am deeply insulted and offended that they think I fall into either category.

Where appropriate, I also point out that refusing proper medical treatment for their children should be considered murder, or that any organisation that perpetrated the Spanish Inquisition (I bet you didn't expect that) should have been banned by international law about 400 years ago.

I'm seriously tempted to not answer the door in future though, and just play Iron Maiden's "The Number of the Beast" at high volume until they go away.

This is really NOT very polite, but...

I once got rid of a bunch of carol singers by shouting through the letterbox "F**K OFF, WE'RE ATHEISTS. I should point out that we were at the time.

We've had some luck.... with Mormaon's in particular by using the old science fiction get-the-computer-in-a-logical-dilemma-it-self-implodes technique.

step 1 confirm that god is perfect
step 2 man is made in god's image
step 3 therefore god must have an anus
Step 4 If he does have an anus then he must use it.. therefore he is imperfect (god turds ???. If he a) doesn't have one.. or b) doesnt use it... he isnt perfect again....

Hey its not the tightest of logic.... but it's sure fun to watch them getting all worked up discussing god's bum!

I once met a fellow who had studied Hebrew and greek in seminary, and had untranslated cobies of the old and new testaments lying about, he woudld invite them in and refute all of thier points out of these. My cousin hit on a reliable way to get them to go away, although it is enormously rude: he actually whipped it out and pi**ed on thier shoes, the J' witneses haven't been back since.

Strong foreign accent.

A friend from abroad opened the door to some people trying to push their religion. Because he couldn't communicate well (and kept saying he didn't understand), they found out where he was from and came back a few days later with some literaure in his language.

"But I don't understand...."
"Well yes but's it written in your language..."
"I know but I don't understand..."
"Well... just read it..."
"But I don't understand what its means..."
"Well you have to read it and think about it..."
"But I don't understand..."

In fact, after a very patient 25 minutes, they gave up and thereafter avoided the entire appartment block...

I find this argument to work:

God (whoever's, but especially theirs) is lord of truth and light.
The devil is lord of lies an blackness.
Choosing one above the other is like saying 1 is better than -1.

Really, its the level of belief that counts, not which end of the pole you are clinging to...

That sets them thinking and they don't come back

I may be being over sensitive here, but I feel that unsolicited visits from God-botherers are a real breach of my privacy, so I just tell them that I grew out of need for an imaginary friend when I was six...

Good one!

I usually feel sorry for whoever happens to call on my door step, which might have something to do with the three slobbering but very friendly s and heavily moulting s rubbing round their legs (the visitor's and the dogs' legs!).

Oh yes! I also thank and politely inform any bible bashers that I'm an atheist and that they're wasting their time, after the pets have finished with them that is...

I've been known to answer the door with the Monty Python Line
"nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition"
I have a friend who invites them in and conducts philosophical arguments, but my personal favourite is aking them if they would consider changing their personal beliefs - when they answer in the negative, I tell them I'm not changing mine either, thank you and politely shut the door.
At the other extreme, you could always try "I'm Jewish, d'you want to peep?