h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

'I used to be apathetic, but somehow I just lost interest...'

I used to be indecisive but now I'm not so sure.

One see on h2g2 recently(apologies to the author)

I considered becoming a pessimist but I just knew it wouldn't work.

One day, I'm going to procratinate...

I used to be an over-achiever, but then I set my standards a lot higher!

to obvious to resist: "so long, and thanks for all the fish" or would that be an inside joke? hmmm...

Only YOU can prevent narcissism.

two from will rogers:
there are two theories about arguing with a woman, and neither one works.
lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back in.

Did you hear about the insomniac, agnostic, dislexic who sat up all night wondering whether there was a dog?

And...

There are basically 10 kinds of people in the world - those who understand binary and those who don't.

I used to be egotistical, but now I'm just perfect . . .

Eastwickian

Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.

women should be obscene, but not heard. --groucho marx
personal addendum: except for those little personal sounds they can make.

a genuine Golden Oldy here:-
"A prettylady walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre. So the barman gives her one!"
they knew how to do 'em in those days, didn't they.

I thought wrong once, but it turns out I was just mistaken.

and...

I hope life isn't one big joke, because I don't get it

let us not forget...

Before you critcise someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes.

finally...

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.


The lower three of these courtesy of Jack Handy (i.e. Saterday Night Live, Deep Thoughts)

I used to be a werewolf, but I'm alright NAOWWWWWwwwww.....

I am indecisively certain that I am indecisive.

Are you absolutely sure about that?

I know that I don`t know and that is not even sure

This one is by garfield the cat:
"Its`got to be me, because it is to good to be someone else!"

cum on theres better jokes than them..