h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Ah, I guessed right. At least, if he's following the procedure he did with said Guardian ...


[Yar hovers above the trapdoor, using the Force, and moves himself to land next to it instead. For some inexplicable reason, the "Ze body of ze ant" animation of Monty Python goes through his head.]

[Yar] [staring down the hole] Interesting. So, what's down there?

*Through a strange coincidence, at that very moment, Oreo looks out a porthole, sees a flame, pauses, then says:*

Interesting. So, what's down there?

[Cut to the Wookie homeworld, which is one continuous forest. A human is in a Wookiee city (think the Ewok village, only bigger and more advanced) and looks over the edge of a bridge, to the invisible depths of the trees (no one's been to the surface and lived to tell about it).]

[Human] Interesting. So, what's down there?

[Cut to John Cleese, at a desk, wearing a viking helmet]

[JC] And somewhere in the world, a rimshot exists.

[Cut back to Yar.]

*Just then, the Millenium Bug appears in orbit. Everyone crowds around a window, looks down towards the planet and says:*

















That's a lot of string and breadcrumbs?

Voice-To tell you that would be to make it less rigorous should you ever feel brave enough to venture down. Now then, I have some pressing business that I must attend to elsewhere. But be warned: I'll never truly stop watching....

*Meanwhile, AA5 has stumbled into a clearing. In the center of the clearing is a tiny monkey juggling three rocks and a shining green jewel*

AA5-Hmmm....how to get the emerald from the monkey....

[Yar] [nods] Cool. See ya around.

[He promptly jumps down the hole, readying Levitation to make sure he doesn't land on anything unpleasant.]

*Yar is in a large chamber with a door on the east wall. He's about to fall on a large, ominous looking pillow!*

[Yar casts Float (which he knows since he's a Red Mage) to keep from actually hitting it, and uses Force-Danger Sense on the pillow, on the theory that you never know.]

*Yar senses....A PILLOW!*


FACE-Scaredy cat....

[Yar makes a rude face for any pan-dimensional entities that might be watching, and then lands, before walking over to the door and opening it without hesitation. In deference to the fact that he can dodge just about anything as long as it starts on the other side, he faces it head on. In deference to the fact that he isn't a complete moron, he casts Haste on himself first.]

And somewhere in the world, Yowuzupman exists.

*The brick wall that Yar sees on the opposite side of the door may or may not give him the warning he needs about the very large Traditional Video-Game Style Whirling Blade Of Death(tm) that is spinning through the air towards his back*

*Meanwhile, Yo's sensors can detect the ship that he has been trailing in a tiny little clearing not too far from the island's perimiter*

*Also meanwhile, AA5 has located an orange and is approaching the monkey with the hopes of distracting it with the orange*

AA5-Here, monkey....hand over that chaos emerald....

[Yar does what anyone else in a video game would do: he jumps, allowing it to pass under him and crash into the wall instead.]

[Yo]So whats out there Lt?



Affy, feel free to respond for the Lt.

Ah, gracias.


Lt.-Very large portions of this island appear to be shielded from our scanners. The rest of the island seems to be a remarkable variety of ecosystems, ranging from tundra to jungle to desert, all somehow existing in close proximity to each other. Scanners are picking up many life signs, though the only recognizable one seems to be a DNA pattern that matches Afgncaap5. All other familiar life forms are either in a shielded portion of the island, not present, or non-living.

*And speaking of the life forms....*

AA5-Come on....Chaos Emerald for an orange....good trade....

*The monkey looks back and forth from the orange to the emerald, unsure. AA5's patience gives out, prompting him to just throw the orange at the monkey. The monkey drops all of his juggling toys, shrieks, grabs the orange, and scampers off into the jungle. Meanwhile, below ground, YK's succesful dodge of the sawblade has allowed the sawblade to smash into the brick wall, revealing a long hallway on the opposite end. The hall doesn't appear to branch out at any point, with a metal door at the very end*

[Yar considers this, then crosses his arms across his chest, and floats down the hallway, hovering a few inches above the ground, a vaguely imperious look on his face.]

Voice-You seem to forget: I'M the booby trap trigger here.

*Electricity begins arcing all around YK*

[Yar] Oh, right.

[He arms his lightsaber and points it straight at the metal door at the other end, then zooms down the hallway, poised to slash the door to bits.]

[Yo] So Affy, we meet again at last. Since you're a superhero you are bound by the code to tell me the truth- What have you done with KL?.....Answer me this and I may yet spare your life.