h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

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YES!

Finally a kindred spirit.

I live in Borehamwood, and the cat problem is so out of hand that the local council is 'unofficially' endorsing the acts of certain motorists who are taking apon themselves to crush these godless creatures in their petrol carriages. The fact that the local police have been talked into complicity in this just goes to show what a brave and pragmatic local government they have in Hertfordshire. It's a small wonder that Hertfordshire county council was recently rated 'Excellent' by a government inspection group.

That is fantastic! I have no such luck in my area. The local MP, Leader of the Council and the Mayor are all 60 year old women, wearers of the dawdiest of M&S chintz you've ever seen, and about as spinsterly as you will ever find.

They have ignored my polite requests to deal with the problem direectly, so I have been forced to engage in what my wife calls 'gerulla tactics'.

I have a couple of Doberman Pinschers which patrol my land to guard against burglars as, living in in Hampstead in a large house makes one a target to spotty oiks coming from estates across North London. I recently hired Capstan Security Services who trained the dogs to go after cats in a similar way to human intruders and in order to provide them with more experience I got a couple of moggies from the local RSPCA sanctuary who were caught and easily despatched by the dogs. I feel much safer now in letting my kids play out in the garden without the attention of their nannies.

That should read guerilla tactics! I really should preview the message before posting with all mannar of typo's and grammatical errors!

Great news, my friend!

If only our statesmen could take a leaf out of the book of Cannan Banana, ex prime minister of Zimbabwe. After being impressed by Tony Blairs Fender Stratocaster rock posturing, Mr Banana thought a similar stunt might be a vote winner for the pending elections. His appearence with a BC Rich Warlock guitar, strung entirely with genuine, fesh cat gut strings, and the inspired, patois rendition of Neil Diamond's 'Sweet Caroline' that he gave that day, would surely have secured him another term of office, had he not been shamed by a trumped up 'B*****y' charge, whatever that is.

That seems to pretty weird and irrelevant to this thread to be perfectly honest.

i am from hertfordshire, and live in an area where a large number of people have cats... do you know how hurt they and i would be if their cat was run over... and it would be all your fault... I dont see what problem you could really have with cats, and surely if you are out driving in your car you are highly likely not to be that near your own home where the cats may or may not actually be a nusience to you, so what gives you the right to decide that those cats, who have nothing to do with you are a nusience to the people residing in that area, you have no idea what those people think about those cats! I hope very much that you decide that what are doing is very wrong and you stop, and change your stance in this. You and the people like you repulse me.

You are a very silly person!

I feel it is my civic duty to rid the streets of this out of control vermin. When dogs are allowed to roam willy nilly, one might call a dog pound to sort out the problem. There is no similar amenity for the cat problem so I am FORCED to take it into my own hands.

Cats spread many many diseases because of the complete lack of care their owners take.

Something has to be done because the spinsters who own them patently don't care.

dear rev Gentle
I am newly moved into the parish and being a spinster am completely incapable of looking after so much as a cat!!! I wonder if you would like to call in one afternoon for a cup of tea?Thursday would be best because i am busy the rest of the week sitting by the window twitching my net curtains or spending an interminable time st the local shops fumbling in my purse for change. I do hope this note does not strike you as forward.


Ps I hope you don't object to Hobnobs?

I will consider this offer if you can push the boat out to a mixed platter of jammy dodgers, blue ribbands and thistle biscuits.

Otherwise I will be most displeased.

This weeks I have removed 4 problem cats from the streets of Barnet. They were breaking the law and I was forced to enforce it. With my car and a pointy stick.

Take care of your cats people, or I will. Permanently.

23 cats are wormfood this week.

Lowena - sad to hear that you have let two more furball abominations litter this sick world. Put them down the loo and flush. Best option.

Death to feline scumballs.

You know you are secretly jealous of me.Dear little kittens falling into saucers of milk,jumping off chairs and not quite making it to the sofa,fighting curtains blowing in a slight breeze.Our survey says you are a cynical failure of a man with a peculiar hatred of anything new fresh and full of potential I expect you secretly hanker after a pipe and already write 'disgusted' letters to the Times.

Did I mention they were called Kat and Alfie?

Scum. Scum scum scum,

I love new things. I hat cats. Feline plague. Revolting disease carriers. I'd rather keep pigeons than cats. Hideous.

Aside, I ran over a badger last night. It ran in front of my petrol-guzzler when I was driving through a heavily wooded area. Couldn't avoid it otherwise I would probably have crashed and killed myself. Oh well. I'll just tell myself it was another cat.