Throughout time there have been myths and legends, by which people maintain an oral tradition to allow them to pass on their knowledge and skills. In ancient times these legends involved gods and monsters, and three-headed beasties, and mirrors, and gold.

Things are a lot more sensible now, including the legends. The stories that we tell our children depict the sorry tales of blind mice, orphaned children, animal-human hybrids, or absolutely true stories told to you by a friend concerning their mother's second cousin's father's drinking buddy who lives outside of Merced in an undisclosed location.

In an attempt to make these sound a little more cool, a little more upbeat, the storytellers of our time have inserted the popular word 'urban' in front of them. This now makes them a good thing to hear as an 'Urban Warrior' in the 'Urban Jungle'.

The attached collections have all been submitted by bona fide h2g2 researchers. They are entertaining, popular and have all been checked and found to be completely untrue. Sometimes researchers verified them by checking related web sites. Other times, we simply asked the ornery old man at the end of the bar. But mostly, they're untrue because the author said so.

Take with a huge pinch of salt, in other words.

Ancient Rites at Glasgow University

Glasgow University, being an ancient institution, has many strange little by-laws, including some that directly contradict UK law. One is that it is legal to duel with swords in the cloisters. Another by-law is that, while sitting your exams, you are entitled to request a glass of port from the invigilator, as refreshment.

Apparently one day someone tried this. He called the invigilator over and asked for his port, citing the rules. The invigilator went and conferred with his other lecturers. They checked the by-laws and, indeed, it was there. However, they read on, and then threw the guy out for not wearing a morning suit and sword. The rules stated that he had to be suitably attired to sit his exam.

Arachnius Gluteus

According to an article by Dr. Beverly Clark, in the Journal of the United Medical Association (JUMA), the mystery behind a recent spate of deaths has been solved. If you haven't already heard about it in the news, here is what happened. Three women in Chicago turned up at hospitals over a five day period, all with the same symptoms: fever, chills, and vomiting, followed by muscular collapse, paralysis, and finally, death.

There were no outward signs of trauma. Autopsy results showed toxicity in the blood. These women did not know each other, and seemed to have nothing in common. It was discovered, however, that they had all visited the same restaurant at Blare Airport within days of their deaths. The health department descended on the restaurant, shutting it down. The food, water, and air conditioning were all inspected and tested, to no avail.

The big break came when a waitress at the restaurant was rushed to the hospital with similar symptoms. She told doctors that she had been on vacation, and had only gone to the restaurant to pick up her check. She did not eat or drink while she was there, but had used the restroom. That is when one toxicologist, remembering an article he had read, drove out to the restaurant, went into the restroom, and lifted the toilet seat. Under the seat, out of normal view, was a small spider.

The spider was captured and brought back to the lab, where it was determined to be the South American Blush Spider¹, so named because of its reddened flesh colour. This spider's venom is extremely toxic, but can take several days to take effect. They live in cold, dark, damp climates, and toilet rims provide just the right atmosphere.

Several days later a lawyer from Los Angeles showed up at a hospital emergency room. Before his death he told the doctor that he had been away on business, had taken a flight from New York, changing planes in Chicago, before returning home. He did not visit the same restaurant while there. He did, as did all of the other victims, have what was determined to be a puncture wound on his right buttock. Investigators discovered that the flight he was on had originated in South America. The Civilian Aeronautics Board (CAB) ordered an immediate inspection of the toilets of all flights from South America, and discovered Blush Spider's nests on four different planes.

It is now believed that these spiders can be anywhere in the country. So please, before you use a public toilet, lift the seat to check for spiders. It can save your life. And please pass this on to everyone you care about.

Bloody Mary

This is a legend unique to the town of Fontana, California, USA. Our story is set in the quiet years of this boom town, when everybody knew everybody, and nothing bad ever happened to anyone.

But tragedy knows no boundaries. One fine afternoon, a young girl by the name of Mary was playing in the trees behind her elementary school. Some accounts say that she was outside the fence during school hours, when she should have been in the playground. Other folks say it was immediately before or after school. All accounts agree that there were plenty of witnesses to the horror which would take her fragile life.

In front of many of her schoolmates, sweet young Mary slipped. She became unbalanced, and plummeted toward the ground. She became inverted during her fall, and scraped and slammed into branches all the way down. When the dust had settled, the tree was a bloody, scarred wreck. Young Mary's body lay broken and lifeless at its roots.

The story of Mary's fate lives on at that school, as younger students are drawn over to the very same tree by older students, who heard this story from those who passed before them. The story of Mary's terrible fall is imparted to all, as well as the fate of Mary's tortured soul. Unable to find rest, the story goes, Bloody Mary's ghost still roams the neighbourhood. And on a night with a full moon, if you dare, you can invoke Mary's spirit. Simply go into the bathroom, turn off all the lights, and repeat 'Bloody Mary' three times as you face the mirror. Many students swear they saw the image of Mary appear in their mirrors, her face as battered and bloody as it was that final, fateful day.

Bonkistry Exam

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk, and his course is semi-affectionately known as 'Bonkistry'. One year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, such that going into the final they had a solid A.

These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, even though the Chemistry final was on Monday, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tyre on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.

So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth five points. 'Cool' they thought, 'This is going to be easy.' They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said:

'(95 points) Which tyre?'

Collision Course

The following is an actual transcript of a radio conversation between the US Navy and the Canadian Coast Guard somewhere off the coast of British Columbia:

Canadian CG: We have you on radar and advise you that you are on a collision course with us. Alter course 35' north.

US Navy: We will not alter course, you alter course.

Canadian CG: We say again, you must alter course 35' north to avoid collision.

US Navy: You alter course to avoid collision.

Canadian CG: It is imperative that you alter course now to avoid collision.

US Navy: This is the US Navy aircraft carrier Enterprise. We are 30 thousand tons and have two support cruisers and four destroyers and numerous supply ships in attendance. You alter course.

Canadian CG: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

Crack Baby

One Researcher's sister's co-worker had a sister in Texas, who with her husband was planning a weekend trip across the border for a shopping spree. At the last minute their baby sitter cancelled, so they were stuck taking their two-year old son with them.

They had been across the border for about an hour when the baby got free and ran around the corner. The mother went chasing, but the boy had disappeared. The mother found a police officer, who told her to go to the gate and wait. Not really understanding the instructions, she did as she was instructed.

About 45 minutes later, a man approached the border carrying the boy. The mother ran to him, grateful that he had been found. When the man realised it was the boy's mother, he dropped the boy and ran himself. The police were waiting for him and got him. The boy, dead in the 45 minutes he was missing, was cut open, all of his insides removed and his body cavity stuffed with cocaine. The man was going to carry him across the border as if he were asleep. A two year old boy, dead, discarded as if he were a piece of trash for somebody's cocaine.

Deadly Diarrhoea

On April 23 in Paderborn, Germany, conscientious zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt, 45, noticed that his prize 8000-pound African elephant didn't seem to be producing his usual copious quantities of dung. 'Friedrich had actually been concerned for several days because he knew that severe constipation can kill an elephant,' assistant zookeeper Kurt Herrman recalled. 'He told me he was going to stay late that Thursday night to treat Stefan with laxatives and possibly give him an enema. I offered to help, but he sent me on home, saying he had everything under control.'

The zookeeper then gave his ailing animal 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs, and prunes. This didn't seem to have any effect, so he attempted to give the beast an olive oil enema, but it was then that disaster struck. Two hours later, horrified night watchman Walter Pleuger found Friedrich lying lifeless under a mound of 200lb of muck, his body visible only from the knees down.

'The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Herr Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him,' said Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. 'With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. I had never really thought about it before, but obviously, giving an elephant an enema can be a very dangerous activity - and not something that should be attempted alone.' Shrugging, he continued, 'Well, at least the elephant feels better.'

Fire Driver

As fire-fighters in the San Marino Hills, near San Francisco, California, surveyed the damage from a recent brush fire, they made a startling discovery. In the midst of some of the most blackened brush they found the dead body of a man dressed in full scuba gear, complete with wetsuit, tank, mask, and flippers. The body was found nearly 20 miles from any body of water. As the body had no identification, the police were dumbfounded as to the man's identity, until a day later, when a distraught wife filed a missing person's report on her husband in Monterrey.

Police have determined that he was diving in Monterrey Bay, alone, and without a flag above to warn off the pilots. Fire-fighting helicopters, skimming low to pick up water to dump on the fire, had picked up and included the hapless diver in its load. It is surmised that the man was trapped helpless but very much alive in the water tank, until it opened at an altitude of an estimated 250 feet. He then suffered an even more terrifying drop, which was all the more fatal because of the metal tanks strapped to his back, and the 14 pounds of lead weights attached at his waist.

French Holiday

A couple went on a driving holiday through France, stopping at various places along the way. One night, whilst driving through some woods, the man stopped the car in a lay-by to relieve himself. He said he would not be long, and disappeared behind a tree. Time passed, and the girl began to wonder why her boyfriend was taking so long. She looked around but could see nothing. She opened the car window and shouted to him, but there was no reply. Feeling a bit apprehensive, she closed the window.

She was just about to open the car door when she heard a single thump on the car roof. Frightened, she quickly locked the doors. She looked around out of all the windows but could see nothing. She then heard a steady, soft thumping noise on the roof. She thought that it might be her boyfriend trying to scare her, but it was not like him to do such a thing and she was too scared to check. At that point a car approached and slowed down beside her. She was about to wind down the window to call for help when the car sped off at high speed. Again she heard the thumping noise on the roof, now getting slightly harder. A police car then pulled up some way from their car and, using a bullhorn, spoke to the girl. The police instructed her in broken English to open the car door, get out quickly and walk towards them without looking back.

She did as instructed, and was almost at the police car when she was overcome by curiosity. She looked back over her shoulder towards the car. What she saw was a man crouched on their car roof with a wide smile on his face. He was gently banging the car roof with a wooden stake with her boyfriend's head impaled on the end of it. The murderer had escaped from a local mental institution. The car that passed earlier had seen him and called the police, who were actually searching the area for him. The girl is unable to get into a car to this day.

I Knew an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Snake

A woman went swimming in India a few years back. She swallowed some of the water. Gradually, she began to develop a distended abdomen, along with a general feeling of abdominal discomfort. An MRI scan of her intestines revealed a five foot snake. She had swallowed it when it was tiny, and it was living in her guts.

Any poison to kill it would also kill her. So they operated. But the doctors couldn't get it out because as they cut open the gut, the snake wriggled away to another part. So it is still in there. She just has to live with it.

Kidney Bandits

This is a true story: it has been confirmed! A friend in Australia rang it to confirm it, as he did not believe the story to begin with either.

This guy went out on a Saturday night a few weeks ago to a party. He was having a good time and had a couple of beers. Some girl seemed to like him and invited him to go to another party. He quickly agreed. She took him to a party in some apartment and they continued to drink, and even got involved with some drugs of an unknown type.

The next thing he knew, he woke up completely naked in a bathtub filled with ice. He was still feeling the effects of the drugs, but looked round to see he was alone. He looked down at his chest, which had 'CALL 000 or YOU'LL DIE' written on it with lipstick. He saw a phone was on a stand next to the bathtub so he picked it up and dialled. He explained to the EMS operator what the situation was and that he didn't know where he was, what he took, or why he was really calling. She advised him to get out of the tub. He did, and asked him to look himself over the mirror. He did, and he appeared normal, so she told him to check his back. He did, he found two 9 inch slits on his lower back. She told him to get back into the tub immediately, and they sent a rescue team over.

Apparently, after being examined, he found out more of what had happened. His kidneys were stolen. They were worth $10,000 each in the black market. Several guesses are in order: the second party was a sham, the people involved had to be at least medical students, and it was not just recreational drugs he was given. Regardless, he is currently in the hospital on a life support, awaiting a spare kidney. The University of Sydney in conjunction with the Royal Prince Alfred hospital is conducting tissue research to match the victim with a donor.

The Sydney Police Department has confirmed that this is the work of a new crime ring that is targeting business travellers. This ring is well organised and well funded, has very skilled personnel, is currently operating in most major cities around the world, and recently very active in Sydney.

The crime begins when a business traveller goes to a lounge for a drink at the end of the work day. A person in the bar walks up as they sit alone and offers to buy them a drink. The last thing the traveller remembers until they wake up in a hotel room bathtub, their body submerged to their neck in ice, is sipping that drink. There is a note taped to the wall instructing them not to move and to call 000. A phone is on the a small table next to the bathtub for them to call. The business traveller calls 000 who have become quite familiar with this crime. The business traveller is instructed by the 000 operator to very slowly and carefully reach behind them and feel if there is a tube protruding from their back. The business traveller finds the tube and answers 'Yes'. The 000 operator tells them to remain still, having already sent paramedics to help. The operator knows that both of the business traveller's kidneys have been harvested.

Lady Driver

A lady driver repeatedly complained that her car wouldn't run very well. It misfired, it was sluggish, wouldn't pull the skin off a rice pudding, and drank petrol as if there was no tomorrow. But, every time the car went into the garage workshop and was tested it was found to be fine.

Finally, the garage sent a technician out with the lady to see if they could experience the problem. She was more than happy to comply, if only to get to the bottom of the problem. The mechanic walked out to the car with her and asked her to drive. She settled into the driving seat put on her seat belt, pulled out the manual choke knob to full on, and hung her handbag on it.

Lights Out

There is a story about a young woman in New York who shared a flat with another girl. The second girl stayed in one evening while the first went out on the town. She left her coat at home and came back to get it. Not wanting to disturb her friend, she didn't bother turning the lights on and fetched her coat in the dark. On returning late at night she found her friend butchered on the floor, and written on the walls in her blood: 'I bet you're glad you didn't turn on the lights.'

Midnight Flash

A woman shared a flat with her roommate. They had separate rooms, but her roommate was known to take things from room to room. Anyway, she went out one night and came back late. Not wanting to wake her roommate, she didn't switch on the lights. She needed something from her roommates room. She went in and searched in the dark, bumping an instant camera, which flashed, blinding her. She grabbed the camera and left the room, hoping that she didn't wake her roommate, and decided to get the item in the morning. When she woke up the next day, she saw the camera by the bed and the picture that it had taken. It showed a man in a Balaclava helmet holding his hand over her roommates mouth, and the look of horror in the roommate's eyes.

Soft Taco Surprise

This girl was really in a hurry one day, so she just stopped off at a taco restaurant, bought a Chicken soft taco and ate it on the way home. That night she noticed her jaw was kind of tight and swollen. The next day it was a little worse, so she went to her doctor. He said she was just have an allergic reaction to something, and gave her some cream to rub on her jaw to help.

After a couple of days the swelling had just got worse, and she could hardly move her jaw. She went back to her doctor to see what was wrong. Her doctor had no idea, so he started to run some tests. They scrubbed out the inside of her mouth to get tissue samples, and they took some saliva samples. They found out what was wrong.

Apparently, her chicken soft taco had a pregnant roach hidden inside. The eggs then somehow got into her salivary glands, and she was incubating them in her mouth. They had to remove a couple a layers of her inner mouth to get all the eggs out. If they hadn't figured out what was going on, the eggs would have hatched inside the lining of her mouth.

She's suing the restaurant, of course.

Speed Trap

A report has revealed that two traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident whilst checking for speeding motorists on the A1 road between Oldhamstocks and Grantshouse last May. They were using a hand-held radar device to trap unwary motorists on the Edinburgh to London trunk road. One of the unnamed officers used the device to check the speed of an approaching vehicle, and was surprised to find that his target had registered a speed in excess of 300 miles per hour. The £5,000 machine then seized up and could not be reset by the bemused PC's.

The radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado aircraft in the North Sea, which was taking part in a simulated low-flying exercise over the Borders and Southern Scotland. Following a complaint by Sir William Sutherland, Chief Constable of the Lothian and Borders Police Force to the RAF liaison office, it was revealed that the officers had a lucky escape - the tactical computer on board the aircraft had not only detected and jammed the 'hostile' radar equipment, but had automatically armed a Maverick air-to-ground missile ready to neutralise the perceived threat. Luckily the Dutch pilot was alerted to the missile status and was able to override the automatic protection system before the missile launched.

The Police have so far declined to comment, although it is understood that officers will be advised to point their radar guns inland in future.

The Hand-Licking Fiend

A young woman in her twenties, named Diana, lived in the outer suburbs of Melbourne. She lived in a single flat by herself, except for a very large, friendly Labrador called Roger. Diana and Roger were very close. Roger would always sleep beside Diana's bed, and if she ever woke up in the middle of the night, Roger would lick her hand. This would calm her down, and within a few minutes she would fall back to sleep.

One night in June, a loud crashing noise woke her up. She stuck out her hand. It was licked, and Diana, reassured, fell back to sleep. In the morning Diana got out of bed and went to have a shower. She opened the bathroom door, stared for a moment, then ran screaming and called the police. For in the bath was the bloody torn remains of Roger. And written on the wall in blood was 'Humans can lick hands too.'

The Ultimate Sacrifice

At certain universities, it's incredibly unwise to have a roommate in danger of flunking out.

The particulars vary from school to school. Depending on the institution, a roommate can receive straight A's for the entire semester. Many others will automatically award a passing grade in every class. This is to compensate the student for trauma. These grades go into effect if a student's roommate commits suicide.

The tragic side of this rule revealed itself in May of 1994, at the University of California, Santa Clara (UCSC). Two roommates, in danger of failing out of school, collaborated against their other roommate, who was a promising business student with a 3.86 average. They took the young man out partying Saturday, May 14th, and brought him home in a stupor. Unconscious, they laid him down in the shower stall, turned on the water, and slit both of his wrists. He died a few hours later.

Initially, investigators were ready to rule out foul play, but the young man's girlfriend tipped off police. She had learned, from word of mouth, that the three of them had been together that night in a local club frequented by UCSC students. The roommates had earlier made a statement that they had been out, but without the victim. It was uncharacteristic for him to be drunk, she protested, since he despised alcohol. The District Attorney was swayed by her statements, and he ordered a full autopsy to be conducted, which revealed the presence of narcotics in his system. Bruise marks were also found on his arms, presumably where the two roommates had held him in order to drag him to the shower, as well as scrape marks on the backs of his legs and his heels. Under intense questioning, one of the students finally broke down and confessed. They both received life sentences to San Quentin prison for first-degree murder. The rule at UCSC has since been changed.

Virtual Date

Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as 'cybersex'. Often the fantasies typed into the keyboards and shared through Internetphone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cybersex. Then again, maybe he does.

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Wal-Mart. I'm also wearing a t-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner... it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK.

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breathe harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breast. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breast are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry; Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you... umm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung:I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tugging off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately, our naked bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realised that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my... you know... thing... in your... you know... woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

Sweetheart: [logged off]

Wedding Speech

During dinner at an wedding reception, the groom rose from the head table and shushed the crowd. Everyone naturally assumed he was about to toast his bride and thank his guests. Instead, he solemnly announced that there was a change of plan, he and his bride will be taking separate honeymoons and, when they return, the marriage will be annulled. The reason for this sudden turn of events, he said, is taped to the bottom of everyone's plate. The stunned guests quickly flipped their dinnerware to discover a photo of the bride, inflagrante with the best man.