Reality Bytes
Created | Updated Jul 7, 2004
Ever wondered what would happen to 5 die-hard h2g2ers if they were taken offline and locked inside a house with... no net access?
The Contestants
Day 13
Once again the housemates cluster around the doors, waiting to attack the person who should leave and then trying to take their place. Unfortunately for the housemates it appears that their plan is not going to work - two bodyguards are standing just inside the doorway. As the time arrives for the next loser to be announced all three contestants quickly check their luggage to make sure they haven't left anything behind. The check lasts about 5 seconds as Feuille only has a brick, Anthea only has some cakes and a recipe book and Skenvoy only has his... well Skenvoy is just this guy y'know and so doesn't have any luggage!
The two bodyguards postures slightly change and the contestants assume they are being told something in their earpiece. They move forward until they are flanking Feuille. The tannoy then announces
'The next contestant to leave is... ... Feuille'
Feuille tries to run towards the door but one of the bodyguards grabs her brick from her and throws it at her. Anthea and Skenvoy watch on in amazement as the two bodyguards proceed to do their job for them. At that point the tannoy again crackles into life stating
As whoever left was going to be beaten up by you armatures we felt we should at least have the job done properly.'
Feuille eventually leaves the house... but not before she manages to take out both bodyguards - neither was a match for a combination of her throwing a brick at them and then the ensuing cat fighting Feuille did.
Anthea realises that this means that she is alone with Skenvoy in the house. She instantly heads off with a combined look of horror, at being stuck with him, and evil genius ness, at being able to make him die in a very painful way. Unfortunately the combination of these two looks is not usually attempted for a very good reason; it makes you look like an idiot. Anthea looks like this for at least another two hours.
As the contestants will have to spend a maximum of 4 more days in the house they are slightly happier about their imprisonment. So happy that they decide to use the Reality Bytes swimming pool. The two researchers remember what they learnt on h2g2 about H.R.A.S.C. and so abide by the rules set out in it. Skenvoy, however, takes one look at the pool then runs off crying as it reminds him far too much of the h2g2 Waterworks swimming pool.
Anthea spends the whole day swimming and wondering if the solitary water cannon by the edge of the pool could be used as a proper gun. Skenvoy spends the whole day sitting dejectedly in his room. Tomorrow will be the day of the housemate's final challenge (though some would say Anthea's final challenge is being stuck with Skenvoy).
Day 14
Skenvoy walks into the kitchen in the morning to find Anthea making sandwiches. He leaves, closes his eyes then walks back in and stares in disbelief - Anthea is making food which actually looks half edible. Before he can turn totally mad as the world is flipped on its head Skenvoy spots a note reading 'The new RB challenge is that the housemates must make Reality Bytes Sandwiches in the style of the perfectly Normal Beast sandwiches'. When the program producers are accused of blatantly stealing off Big Brother they shrug and carry on1. Skenvoy recalls the whole book that the sandwiches are from and breaks down into tears. Anthea however seems happy to be making food.
As the day goes by Skenvoy and Anthea master the art of making a sandwich. In a random moment of inspired glory they try making a... three-tiered sandwich!!!!!! THE SHOCK! Or not... but you have to remember that they had spent 4 hours making sandwiches! It is just as they are about to embark on their most ambitious project yet (a 5 tier sandwich) when they get their first order - 3 sandwiches. For the next half an hour Anthea and Skenvoy run around in a frenzy holding knives. Then Anthea stops trying to kill Skenvoy and they get down to the dangerous business of making the food. Within two minutes it is done and they take the food to the special reception area, strangely marked 'Staff lunch room'. Some accusations are made that the RB team are just using the contestants as slave labour by getting them to make sandwiches. The staff decline to comment as they are eating at that point in time.
Anthea and Skenvoy spend about one hour more in the kitchen before Skenvoy leaves for the swimming pool again and Anthea makes lunch. Skenvoy sets up the water cannon pointing at the door and waits with baited breath for Anthea to emerge. As Anthea steps into Skenvoy's line of fire she realises her mistake but too late as the jet of water sprays towards her. Luckily for her she was carrying the sandwiches in front of her and the shear destructive force contained in them diverts the water, protecting Anthea. With a look of horror on his face Skenvoy rushes to the 'Staff lunch room' to warn them about the food. But too late - the staff are all in pain on the floor and are rushed to hospital to have their stomachs pumped.
With no staff around there is no one to make Anthea or Skenvoy continue the challenge so they go to chill out by the pool. Skenvoy makes a fatal mistake however; he falls asleep in the presence of Anthea. Anthea quickly takes advantage. No not like that, honestly some people have weird minds! Soon Skenvoy wakes up to find himself in the middle of the swimming pool on a large float. While this would not be bad in itself he is fully dressed and there are sharks swimming around him (unlike Dr Evil, Anthea is able to obtain her 'Frickin sharks' first time). Skenvoy seems to be doomed at last and people around the world are preparing to pay Anthea large sums of money for saving them.
But Skenvoy was not the only one to make a mistake; Anthea left the lunch she had made for Skenvoy with him. Skenvoy throws it out to the sharks and they eat it... a few seconds later they explode and Skenvoy swims safely to the pool edge. Some people say this shows that Skenvoy is smart. Others speculate that in actual fact Skenvoy just wanted to get anything made by Anthea as far away from himself as possible and, lets face it, which one is more likely?... on second thoughts don't answer that!
Skenvoy retreats to his room and goes to sleep. Anthea has already been asleep for hours. It is nearly the end for the contestants...
Day 15
Skenvoy is woken by an acidic smell. He enters the kitchen to find that Anthea has, while making sandwiches, finally destroyed the kitchen as there are no kitchen units or anything. Instead the kitchen appears to be in a very minimalist style; so minimal most of the furniture has dissolved to be within 1 inch of the floor in all places!
It is at this point that the contestants are told that, due to an unfortunate... incident (Anthea being allowed within 50 miles of a kitchen)... which caused the death of most of the shows staff, this is the final day and tomorrow the winner will be announced. Therefore Skenvoy and Anthea are given a few minutes to tell the viewing audience (this late on in the competition that being all 3 people who have been tied to chairs with their eyes pinned open) why they should win.
Anthea - 'Well personally I think I should win as I am going to kill you all if you don't vote for me. Also lets face it, Skenvoy is annoying, he says my cooking is bad and... OI WHO JUST SAID MY COOKING WAS BAD?'
Anthea walks off to go and find and force feed the cameraman who agreed with Skenvoy under his breath - like all girls Anthea has a knack for hearing exceedingly quiet derogatory comments.
Skenvoy - 'Well I should win as I'm this great froody guy y'know. Lets face it I'm amazing; handsome, witty, charming and undoubtedly modest. So vote Sken!'
For the rest of the day Anthea eats lots of ice cream and then uses the energy provided to run around the house in a hyper state. Skenvoy stands by the door waiting to be released on...
Day 16 - THE FINAL DAY
Skenvoy is still standing by the door. Anthea is still hyper from the ice cream and failed to get any sleep due to it. At 10 am the door opens and Skenvoy and Anthea run out. Khamsin, Khamsin mouse, Feuille and Craxus are all there watching and looking extremely happy as they have had h2g2 access recently. Anthea and Skenvoy are led up onto the podium where the winner will be announced.
With extreme slowness the officiator opens the envelope and pulls out the name of the winner...
Skenvoy
There is a stunned shock. Lots of people had voted for Skenvoy as a joke... no one really thought he'd win. Suddenly a brick goes flying through the air and hits Skenvoy, a couple of mice also run forward and start climbing on his clothes. Anthea nods and smiles at her fans and walks up onto the podium herself. No one argues with the two-headed dragon, sorry, we confirmed Anthea wasn't that didn't we? Anyway Anthea claims her prize. Just as she is about to celebrate she is told what she has won:
A 4 month all expenses paid hitch hiking trip around the Sahara Desert with no net access.
Anthea collapses in tears as she realises that she brought this one on herself.
Skenvoy gets up and nods to his fans who had faked beating him up to prevent him from getting such a duff prize. The fact that he is once again hit in the face by a brick does make some people wonder if they were actually his fans or not.
As the day and series ends people realise how different the world now is; Anthea's evil has been thwarted by her own mistake and Skenvoy was killed by a rampaging mob having single handedly crashed h2g2 the first time he logged on and tried to post to 500000 new threads at once.
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Well that is all folks, hope you enjoyed it.
Credits:
- Ideas - No one3
- Writing - A highly trained team of specialist commando monkeys led by a single penguin
- Original ideas generated by 'Original idea machine 3000'
- Save the mice campaign by APWTAC (All People Who Tasted Anthea's Cooking)
- Specially reinforced kitchen units provided by MI6
- Skenvoy provided by the mental hospital
10 buildings were demolished to provide Feuille with bricks during the making of this show... not that she used that many bricks; it was just the first 9 buildings demolished were metal so contained no bricks!
With thanks to all people who gave support during the writing of this. If you would like to support further productions please send all your money, worldly goods and as many bricks as you can to Skenvoy.
3We would say Skenvoy, but that would imply he thinks so is obviously not correct