h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Shouldn't you rather be worried about poor Trin, Jangles ?

Hmmm? Oh yeah, poor Trin, he should be ok....oooh, as long as they don't find the *mumble mumble* I bought from one of those nice Nomadic tent dweller chaps.

Ok, I'll tell you what : here's a gun, take it and go rob a bank, then go to Mongolia and bribe Customer service , so that they let Trin go

*ring ring* Hello Police...*that* B'Elana's got a gun, yes...uhuh...ok...she is isn't she?...you will...oh good...thankyou very much. Bye

Gun ? What gun ? Oh, you mean that waterpistol here ? *Aims at constable's nose* You'd better not waste your time with innocent me . That Mrs_B over there, now, that's another matter. She confessed having bought some stuff from Nomadic tent dwellers in Mongolia. Yes, that's here, over there *points*

Mongolian Customs Officer: What's this? *rustle rustle*

I have no idea. Honestly, I've never seen that before in my life. Er ... what is it?

M.C.O.: There's a label on the side *reads label then looks shocked*

Well?

M.C.O.: Mr Tragula, do you know what the penalties are for carrying a packet of mumblemumble over the Mongolian border?

No. No I don't.

M.C.O.: We will of course ensure that you get a fair trail. But we will be preparing your cell at the same time. Your corner of the cell, anyway - you will probably have to share it. Only a few dozen others, never fear. And we will of course prepay your tickets for a flight home on your release. In 2076.

*Does a Blakey off On The Buses style gurn and fistshake* Jangleeeeey

They lock you up for mumblemumble, a traditional Nomadic dessert made from pistachio and monkey droppings? Funny old world isn't it?

Funny old figure they've set for the bail, too A gazillion Mongolian Squidilloes. How much is that?

37 and a half pence according to my currencey converter.

*counts pennies in copper jar*

I have 28p, a button and a paperclip.

If you take the button and paperclip to your local currency exchange shop (It's on the high street with lots of money in the window), they exchange them for a copper pipe and two stray mice.

You might be able to get a few pennies for them on ebay.

Hhmm, but that still leaves us 3p short.
Maybe if you did the dance of the seven marigold gloves for the guards, they might accept that in exchange for the difference?

I wouldn't - I tried convincing one of the guards to give me the big and slightly cleaner corner of tier four, row seventeen in this cell by promising him a twix and he got really huffy

Yeah, but Footy is better looking than you and has lady bumps, or maybe he's just not a Twix kinds guy...perhaps more your Minstrels or Bounty person?

I'm out of practice though, it's been a long time since I performed that one. Mind, it is better than the dance of the doomed penguins of Tharg.

Right.

*Knocks on guards caravan door*

Ah. Hello. I'm here regarding a Mr Tragula. Hmm? Oh yes, he's that one over there. *Points* Yes. The one in the cell made of hay.

I'm sure that you're quite stressed, been causing you a bit of trouble, has he? I could take him off your hands if you'd like. I've got most of the bail money here, but believe that you are fans of the dance of the seven marigold gloves.

Perform it? Oh, no! I couldn't possibly. Funny leg and I twisted my petula on the way over. Well, alright!

Ahem!

*Places marigold glove on head*

*Stands on tiptoes*

*Elegantly hops over to guard number 1*

*Takes of marigold to reveal bald head and falls down*

*Raises arms over head as a doctors coat floats gently down from sky and lands perfectly on Footbacon*

*Moves slightly*

*Sweeps hand across desert floor, raising sand cloud* Aaaa...aaa....chooo!

*Runs from back of stage to front, sliding on knees*



*Removes marigold glove*

*Rattles manacles in applause*

Did it work? Is Trin to be freed?

I'd forgotten how fond the Mongolian Customs Officers were of the seven dwarfs.

Guard? Would you kindly release Trin now? Guard?

He's got one of them mobile tellys!

Pssst! I can now finally reveal the true reason behind Gerald's dissappearance, just keep it under your hat ok?

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/01022006/80/pigeons-backpacks-air-pollution-monitoring.html

Have the mobile phone backpacks got tellies, though?

He's easily distracted, Gerald. And he just loves The Bill - it's his favourite. If he's flying along and that comes on ... he'll forget to keep flapping! I know it!

Guard! Guard! I have to get out and lay mattresses over the whole of Britain!

It's ok. They have a programme reminder facility built in, so a few minutes before each pigeons favourite programme is about to start, there's a bleep, so they have enough time to find somewhere to perch, grab a frappelattemochachocacino and donut and enjoy their programmes in comfort and peace. It's part of their paypackage. Great pension too by all accounts.