h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Never dare what?

Has Jangles gone somewhere?

Maybe she's carrying a message to Gerald

Never dare to my wife in public - not with Jangley aiming at me with her gun, anyway

Ah, see, no ... she'd only *pretend* to shoot you, while actually spiriting you away to this amazing nature reserve to be with Gerald and all the other happy ...

Hmm - this gets less and less convincing all the time, doesn't it?

*Stands in front of B'El and hopes that one debatable cold-hearted shooting has slaked Jangley's bloodlust/pigeon-pie cravings for this week*

*ahem* If memory serves, there was a little gunslinging going on by a certain someone not so very long ago...that actually shot a certain someone else. The wound is healing nicely though thanks for asking.

Trin, spoke with Gerald earlier...he said he, and a few of his mates will be doing a fly by over your house at some point tomorrow. SO be sure and look out for him. He'll be somewhere in the middle of the flock.

*Grabs binoculars and a big banner reading 'Hello Gerald!'*

*Hides behind Trin*

Jangles, you ASKED me to shoot you, and good friend that I am, I did so

Where's Footie, eh? I hope she's not

a) Gone round to Vodaphone HQ with a ham shotgun
b) Gone looking for Gerald (because he'll be here soon )
c) Come over all non-chin conscious again

This "ham shotgun"... that just doesn't sound nice. Sounds like a euphemism for something naughty.

Hhhmmm, I was wondering that earlier. We were trying to google for you the other night when you went awol, maybe she took a wrong turn, and went to Mongolia instead.

Right! Mongolia it is then!

We're going to need some camels. And some water bottles. With water. Some packed lunches, obviously, maybe a radio in case we get bored, deckchairs. Footie detector: checking now ...

*bing*

Yep, ready to go!

Just send Benedict Allen - he'll cross the whole of Mongolia, alone, with only two camels, one of which is dying. He'll find Footie, no doubt.

Hurrah! An expedition. I have my Safari suit and a bucket and spade. And some dairylea triangles.

I'll watch it on BBC world then

Dairylea triangles! Of course!

I looked that up now. Only one entry, and guess where ?

Where?

Are we nearly there yet?

Day 35

Dear Journal - we seem to have been in this desert forever and nary a peep of Footie. The detector pings feebly in a corner, though it's hard to make it out over the snoring.

For someone who 'lost' the dairylea triangles within fifteen minutes of our setting out and then 'lost' both the packed lunches about twenty minutes later, Jangley looks neither ill-fed nor badly-rested. She is an enchanting travelling companion - apart from the snoring - but the bleak nature and heat of the desert are starting to play tricks on my mind, taunting me with paranoid imaginings that she has some sort of food stash hidden on camel 4 (Lance). I know this can't be so and reprove myself for suspecting the noble Mrs B in this way.

Good job she hasn't found my humbugs though ...

*schlurp*

It's just that I was never clear on the reasonings behind bringing camel 4 anyway. Camel 3 (Lorelei) I understood - water supplies on the way out, Footie on the way back - but a fourth camel, laden down with boxes that I was not to inspect because of ... and at that point Mrs B just started mumbling and blamed it on the heat. Ah well. Thank Bob for the humbugs ...

*munchmunch*

Still no sign of Gerald and his promised flyby either. I saw a flash up in the blue earlier this morning, but it turned out to be a vulture. Mrs B says they're just interested in our train in a motiveless, passing-fancy kind of way and that I shouldn't take it to heart. Maybe she's right. Oo, a cola bottle, how did that get in there ...

*schlurpchew*

Oh where, oh where is Footbacon? The desert is so large, the view from the top of a camel so slender, the stock of humbugs so dwindly. I consulted with Jangley at what should have been lunchtime about how we hadn't had anything to eat for two and a half weeks and she just giggled. Poor dear Mrs B - the heat is affecting her too I think. I joked that one of us might end up cooking and eating the other! She did laugh, but in what I though was rather a dry way.

Think I might ask her to ride in front tomorrow.

Goodnight, dear journal - I hope to have news of Footie, Gerald and maybe some sort of Desert Service Station in my next entry.

I'm pretty proud of myself over Monday afternoons activity.

In the morning I asked someone to rev me up and got ready for an argument.

Two hours later, I walked out of the mobile phone shop with my old number and a brand spanking swish new mobile (That has telly on it ).

I also got the bloke to get me £150 off the mobile for all my trouble.

This confidence stuff is great when it works. At one point the bloke said that I should have come straight to the shop instead of ringing up the Carphone Warehouse. I said something along the lines of: "I expected to get the same level of service from your company over the phone as what I would receive in store. *Kept a little evil grin inside*"

Then he went into another room and argued to someone that I should be able to keep my old number.

Blummin' eck! I had a bit of clout!

Telly!

I love it when righteous customers meet with justice!

*Slips off to tell Mrs B they can go home now but she she and camel 4 seem to have disappeared *