h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Gosh I'm doing a lot of journal entries recently! I blame all this school stuff!

Anyway, this is sort of about school anyway.
I'm not being very effective on H2G2 at the moment, and am missing from a lot of areas. This is because, as everyone could have easily predicted, the initial euphoria of going to school quickly wore off and I've been fighting a downward spiral for a while now and it's getting to the point where going to school and work is a huge mountain that I have to climb every single day.

I wake up and have two minutes where I feel okay, and then I feel as if I'm stuck to the sheets and haven't got the strength to get off them; and I feel so heavy that I might fall through the floor.

The first thing I am doing when I finally get out of bed is drinking half a tumbler full of port. This is having less and less effect, which is worrying me.

By the time I have got to school it's as if I had 30mins sleep the night before, however well I actually slept. It means I can't concentrate through the day and feel completely bewildered and on the edge of crying all the time, and very panicky.

When I get home I fall into bed, drink another half tumbler of port and don't move for at least an hour. I don't have the strength to read or do homework or anything.

I then get round to doing a bit of homework, whilst sipping on a glass of drink. If I have work, I then get back into bed until the last possible moment and then rush madly round changing clothes etc before going to work and being very dopey and making loads of mistakes and walking into things but having a very bright and cheery manner.

When I get back...straight back into bed before dragging myself round to swivel into my desk chair, keeping my legs in bed, so I can do a bit of homework and get on the net for a short while.

I then go back to bed.

It's not looking...good and I've got two more years of this and a music theory exam in two days and a wine exam in a fortnight and

but in very very slow motion and only the very short distance back to bed.

Apologies to all those people who have lots of problems right now. I do recognise that I actually have nothing to be depressed about. Sorry.

Kat

Hmmm... Perhaps see if you can get into homeschooling? Homeschooling's good!... If you can discipline yourself into doing the work. *blushes about the term of German work she's been doing over the past few days, and still isn't finish*

Anyway, think about it. It might help. A lot. *hug and kiss*

> I do recognise that I actually have nothing to be depressed about.

Depression is a chemical condition, and sometimes has nothing to do with what's going on with you at the time. It's too bad you can't take a vitamin to relieve it, as with scurvy or rickets.

It sounds as if you're drinking port to relieve your anxiety, which as you well know doesn't help a bit!

It reminds me of when I was really depressed. I had just graduated from college, and my job was sucking hard. I'd get up and go to work, move like a zombie throughout the day, then go home and go directly to bed. I'd sleep until it was time to get up and go to work. I'd forget to eat. When I finally quit that job, I felt so much better. Then I spent three months unemployed... stressful, but not as stressful as the job.

I would recommend stopping one or the other. School is more important than work, I think. But I would really think about what gives you the most anxiety, and then look at ways to reduce the load. If you have a hard time deciding, flip a coin. If you're disappointed with the answer, then you'll know what you really want to do!

Don't try to do too much at once - heck, you're still young. You've got all the time in the world to accomplish anything you want. Hang in there and do one thing at a time. You'll get there.

Kat,



don't be too hard on yourself, it will pass (she says looking back on her own bleak times from the benefit of years later) and you've got a lot on you know, no wonder it's feeling tough, you seem to accomplish more than you give yourself credit for.



Jules

I don't know if I've mentioned this before on another thread (I think maybe I have) but near where I live there's a government-funded school that's not a normal school at all. You're only required to go in for a few hours two days a week - almost all of the work is done at home, and you can come in whenever you like, be it in the morning, afternoon or evening. Is there anything comparable where you live? If so, you could check it out!

Kat, at least you're drinking port. Thats a plus, it's a quality drink

Seriously, I don't know what to suggest. I went through a horribly similar phase when I lived in Manc; my solution was to escape it all by travelling and living as a bum. I know I can't suggest anything, because anything anyone suggested to me was treated with disdain, so anything I try to suggest will be met with a shrug. Just hang in there; whatever the decisions are, they will come to you.

>Apologies to all those people who have lots of problems right now. I do recognise that I actually have nothing to be depressed about. Sorry.

It's all relative, Kat. Your problems are no less than anyone elses simply because they're the ones you have to deal with every day. This all sounds very vague, doesn't it? I'm always here for you, love - you have my email and mobile, let me know if there's anything I can do

Other peoples problems don't make things less painful for you, do they? It's obvious you're having a rough time, and I wish it passes soon. Be well

Milla

"You know what makes my problems bigger than everyone else's? They're my problems" - Ally McBeal

Oh, and I aggree about the port...

Kat what you need is a pick-me-up and a good rest by the sound of it- all stress free

Take deep breaths and make sure you focus on all the good things! There are lots, honest though you may need a friend to help you make sure you remember them all

Kat, you have received some good advise here. I hope you find a solution soon. We all develop our own coping mechanisms. We just have to make sure that they don't cause more problems for us along the way.

Lots of good advice here, so I hope you find a way to sort yourself out. It sounds as though things are very busy for you right now, is there anything you could put off? Do you have to work as well as go to school, or could you give up the job and spend a bit more time looking after yourself?

Hope you feel better soon

I can't say anything that hasn't been said here before, except .

Thanks everyone. I think what's getting to me about this is that it's a constant grind. Just when I had thought I was getting better and would be able to go back to school etc everything starts crashing round my ears. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of the years and years that this has been going on, without the benefit of being able to look at a time before and go "yeah I was happy then and that's what I want back!".

Going to school is important. If I mess it up this time, I very much doubt that I will bother trying again. I will feel as if I have failed completely at one of the most basic things I need to do. For me, school and academic achievements are incrediably important. They are what I measure myself up against, and the fact that I'm two years behind most people my age fills me with horror. So I can't really quit school until I physically can't get out of bed.

Work...now this is a tricky one. I actually reasonably enjoy going to work. It's interesting and not amazingly difficult or anything. It's also only 8 or 12 hours a week (which is actually how many hours of school classes I have a week too!) and is giving me more than the minimum wage. The majority of people my age have a job. Therefore I see this, again, as something low level that "everyone" is doing. I mean I'm taking less school subjects than most people, going out less than most people, doing less voluntary stuff than most people...so I should be able to do this!

It's 12 hours of classes a week, 8 hours of work a week. That really is nothing when you consider it, and you all know that. So why do I find it quite so difficult? Maybe it will get better again, maybe not and I've just got two year's awfulness ahead of me. But the thing is, even if I quit all of it, I'd still have years of awfulness ahead of me...just
Oh wait quickly moving back a bit...homeschooling. I tried that but I had to do it entirely on my own and found it increasing difficult to keep to schedule as the depression went up and down. So in the end that didn't last long at all. So there was another failure to add to the list, and I'm not keen to add more
Schooling in the area...they're all your average secondary schools EMR In some ways mental health comes very very very low on the government agenda. It's the lowest funded section of the health service.

I also need to change the time of my psych appointment tomorrow so I can do this theory exam and my sodding psych hasn't called me back And I've got work tonight! Oh dear! Okay good things....we have sweets left over from Trick-Or-Treat

I'll tell you why you're finding it so difficult- you're panicked. You're so afraid of failing, that you psych yourself out to the breaking point. I've done the same thing, and if it hadn't been for my friends and family, I wouldn't be where I am today. Everyone does it.

Maybe it's time to take a minute and take a step back. Take one hour, and don't work, don't sleep, don't eat, just... I don't know... do something you enjoy. Read a book that you're not going to get graded on. Draw, knit, take a walk, something. You'll have to force yourself to concentrate on the task at hand, but you'll be amazed how refreshed you feel after an hour of not worrying. You're going to think this is absolute garbage, but this is how I'm surviving grad school- I leave one hour each day where I'm just completely useless to anyone but me, and it helps.

Speaking of which, my hour's up!

Oh, and I've found that exercizing in the morning gives me more energy that a double shot of espresso, if you think your problem is that. Just a 20 min brisk walk, enough to get me out of breath, works wonders.

PS- sorry if this posts multiples.

Excuse me! other good things, you have all us guys agreeing with everything you say here and loving you muchly

Hear, hear

Ahhhh but I've been told that everyone just agrees with me because I get so pissy if they don't

I left my phone at work...this is....annoying, however I'm keeping very cool about it.

I do try and take at least an hour each day for just focussing on...piano or a book (currently rereading Piers Anthony's Xanth books) but I still feel awful So I think I'm going to have to resign myself to deciding that it's not the effect of outside things and possibly mainly just...me.

How....dispiriting. Let's think about all the great people on here who are bothering to read my whining and are mmmaaarrrrvellous! Thanks you guys for being YOU!

If you want something briefly happy to think about, Kat, you'll be pleased to know that I'm currently eating a Spicy Moroccan Lentil soup, even though I don't recognize the things floating in it.

That IS pleasing Mikey! I'm so proud!

Is it tasty? Where's it from? why are you eating...at this time?

Shhhh... you weren't supposed to notice the last bit about the time.

But it's from the bakery across the street - they were out of hot sandwiches, and suggested I try their soup (it's cold and wet and nasty out). They gave me a little cup to try, and it was yummy, so I got some. They also give me a tiny slice of lemon pie and cookie thrown in the bag.