h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Pssst. Psssst. Is that really you, Skipper? Or 'as someone borrowed yer eyes here?

no no it's me.... shhhhhhh. come and shut the hold door will ya.. dont tell a soul i'm here.. did u bring any grog???

Just the emergency flask I carry ever' day. Peoples actually believe its a big ol' beer belly.

*pours a generous measure into a McD's cup*

Arrrrr....I thought it was just me in 'ere.

Be that a dead man's chest or are you just pleased to see me?

I's been here ever since Cap'n Jack deserted us. With only rum, weevils and this 'ere dead parrot for company.

(holds up the beak of an erormous macaw)

I calls 'im "Beaky".

I do believe Beaky has seen better days. Should such large tufts of feathers be fallin' off'n him?

'Ow dares you, shipmate.

I'll haves ye know he were the mascot of the Undisclosed Regiment. He served with Captain Jack personally.

112 years on the perch and proud of it.

E's just moultin'. And gettin' in his winter plumage.

Now ave a sip of this (hands over flagon of Beaky's Broth). It'll put feathers on yer chest.

*pops the cork, which immediately disintegrates*



Did you notice this little sticker thingie? The one wot says "Not to be taken internally" ... I assume they mean the bottle itself, eh?

*feels this odd vibration beginning in the pit of the stomache*

Arrrr....that's the wrong bottle. Darn this dark hold.

(Holds up empty bottle of "Captain Jack's Lie Lotion")

Hmmm... "apply liberally four times a day and stand well back".

Ah..."may conflict with actual events".

Rev, you be goin' a funny colour.

I ain't not, I tell ye. I took on this here shade of green way back during the campaign of '87. That's 1787, o'course, when Cap'n Jack was still just First Mate. Even then he was a fine cut of a hero. That first in-bound flaming round, why he just caught it in his soup-bowl and ate that too. And then spat flaming bits at that armada, burning them all right down to the water line !!!

I knew right then that I wanted to grow up to be jest like 'im one day ...

Arrr, a fine Cap'n he was. Descended from an ancient line of Celtic Samurai from Atlantis. At least that's what it said on the label of his huge pair of combat pants.

Not like this Pirate Wench we has now.

Where be she anyway?

Arrrr, yer green is turnin' me green. Even Beaky is feelin' queasy.

I've seen the Wench on other comm-lines a few times, and she's keeping herself busy enough. Most of it almost staying good too. If'n I recall rightly, she might even still be in the Engerland, visiting a bit this past week-end.

Arr, then I'll keep my trap shut. Lest the Cap'n flays me with the cat.

One day I shall writes a book about His exploits. And I shall calls it "Jamaica 'Tall Up?"

And I shall wins the Booker prize and buys me a new ID.

Oh, I suspect we'll be hearing once more from the Saviour. He's just too big and beyond real to stay in seclusion for long.

And will yer book be all colourfully illy-strated so's us lesser mates ken read it too? Or do we just wait for the film version to come out? Who ever could play the here, wot wi't John Wayne gone now ...

Even after he has been exposed as an outright fibber who concocts new identities to back up his outrageous claims and even dupes his friend into speaking up for him? You think he can come back knowing that people are aware he is a terrible liar and a spineless coward?

Aye, it may just be illy-strated. With big pop ups an 'all.

(looks at Pirate Wench on page 3).

On second thoughts...

Arrr, I's thinkin' that we need a man who can actually live 'is life like a film. A man who knows that fiction and reality blur.

It seems to often be the case that a 'larger than life' character will assume very short and defective memories. Done did see'd that a few times. That's why me gut is expecting a reprise, one day ...

Then we'll just have to be on guard.

Mind you, an SAS Samurai Ninja Celt PI working for the Red Cross Rescue Team could slip by us with ease...

Not with these patented Super-Sleuth Infra/Ultra-Everything goggles. Yours for 2-quid asnd the box-tops of 10 packets of corn flakes.

Oh, I'm sure his personal cloaking device (for the extra wide girth) and ability to lower his body temperature will enable him to get past us.

Then there is his training.

No wonder the locals called him 003 and a half!

I thought that might have been in sheer admiration of his collosal IQ.

He's a smarter man than us. After all, he has several people to back his stories up.

Ok, one. but four if you count all the personalities he created.