h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Oh, THOSE white things.

I thought you meant those polar bears.

Permission to go down with Kate Winslet, Cap'n.

Oh, you said "with" ... Pardon my mis-hearing.

Ah...so I did type "with".

I was wonderin' why the Winslet was lookin' at me funny like. And why moi feet are gettin' wet!

Sorry, Billy Zane, I'll be takin' this here lifeboat.

(Celine Dion appears)

"Every night in my dreams. I see you. I feel you. That is how I know you-"

(Gunshots)

*out of the mists steps a very handsome and regal Haitian woman, in flowing black robes ...*


*drapes a medal about IS's neck, something or other said about a Governor General's Award for services rendered to the Dominion of Canada ...*


*and away into the mists she drifts again, with military chords wafting on the air ...*

hmmmm

i think you should saty here with us and the grog... not floatin off on a pallet with that kate cleavage.. she's a strumpet that un, mark moi words you'll come a cropper ...


i really dont fancy gettin in one o dem little boats ... cant we fix the hole in this un?
it's not the titanic u know. modern day boats dont just go down like that no more..

(drags boys down to the hold where there's a fair amount of water coming in what looks like the far ferry end of the ship...Nick presses button.. door closes, pushing large iceberg and a few volvos a fiat punto and a dhl container out into the ocean.. boat stabilises, aye bee brushes hands together and gets back up on deck to her discussion where she's trying to tell the old dear nicely that she aint gettin the mink back.. boat is listing badly to the port side, but seems to have stopped sinking.. )

what now

Mebbe if we kinda suspend a few tonne of these auld dearie's off the star-board railing, ... we settle upright'ish? Least-ways, long enow to get down to that Carry-bean ... ... Scarabeing ... ummm ... Them thar warm'ish islands and stuff?

I hears there's lot of rich old geezer touristy types there all year long ...

mmmmmmm (closes eyes and sniffs the air like a dog on a gravy trail).......
old geezers.. money.. dodgy tickers....mmmmmmm


carry bean it is.. isaiah!! head south-south-west and she'll be roite.. and keep 'er in betwix them thar white rocks..

nice idea bout the old dears honey. they think it's bungy jump tuesday again already, they dont seem to mind the cold....

When they's got so little blood pumpin', the cold seems a natcheral t'ang, eh?

I heerd of a small bit o' islands down d'ere. Loads of galleons done sunked over da yares. No tellin' what might be found ...

South South West it is, Cap'n!

So long as there's wimmin in them there sunken galleons then I's a happy little pirate.

That Winslet has got me right frisky, like.

Arrr....Roses be red, the sea be blue, I've got a false leg I'd like to show you.

There be the smell of romance in the air. Or it could be those naval toilets.

word of advice thur isaiah

if you equate romance with what we all know the smell of navel toilets to be...... well then i fear for your end result in the winslet stakes......
still. nowt so queer as folk. she might actually like it..

(stands up and totters across deck, lookin slightly rediculous from the back in mink coat, extra stripey socks and chunky lace up boots)

what's happened to the grog? cant have run out already can we??
dont tell me we have to drink this muck?? (holding up bottle of extra special reserve dom perignon in disgust)

Luckily Winslet has stashed four crates of Smirnoff Black in her cabin.

We'll, er, just go and fetch it. May take us 20 minutes or so.

(Ties pair of size 12 knickers to the ship's wheel and compass)

I, er, found these.

*wonders why it suddenly feels so draughty here-abouts ...

(eventually staggers back up on deck with crate of Smirnoff Black)

Oooh..me head. Why is the boat movin' so much?

Mate, I t'ink ya got in-ta the wrong keg. We've been anchored a coupla days already. And the skipper's been having fun chasing blokes in grass-skirt-thingies around the beach wit' her blade.

hey!! (waves from the beach and points at skimpy grass skirted men)

this is what you'l be expected to wear in these y'ere waters.. can see them stripey socks and too much silk about the nethers is having an adverse affect!! look at the state o ya!

come on. get somethin on a bit more comfortable (except thong except thong) and git down on the beach. we're getting a tour of the area tomorrow in a glass bottom boat.. galleons galore....

and the quality of the grog is second to none here. why did i ever listen to mister d and get that bus home from here..

*works 'is way into a grassy-skirty-thing, ... trying mightily to not notice the knobbily-knees, nor the fish-belly-white of the legs*


Errrr, skipper, ... is dese t'ings fire retardent?

Never mind all that...why has I been given 2 cocunut 'alves with me grass skirt?

Arrr...you tryin' to say I's put on a few pounds since we bagged us a liner?

(finds halves fit perfectly)

Oh, b@ll@cks...

I refrain from comment, on the grounds that I's laughin' meself silly.

If it be good enough for the Crimson Pirate, it be good enough for me.

Now, where did I put that hat with fruit nailed to it...?

And does ye think this lipstick makes me look cheap?