h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Ooh, that's a minefield, that is!

Lucky escape for you, sir!

Mind you, that's one of the benefits of a service life. Even in the reserves, the rotundness is kept to a minimum. Even despite grog consumption that would put a pirate to shame.

*ahem* I'm going to assume that you've not seen many samplings of our Navy and Air Force then. In the last 15 years or so, it's is disturbing how many unsightly side-profiles there are. Some days I shudder when I remember that I wore the same uniforms. I think the expression "pride in uniform" has been lost in those two elements of our Forces.

Well, sir, in this man's army they are all lean, mean drinking machines. There are a few of the fuller figure, but that tends to be an all over thing. There is muscle under there somewhere.

But the beer gut in all it's glory has more or less ceased to exist with our lot. I can't speak for the Navy and RAF, though, but the Marines I saw in Basra were putting us to shame with abs of steel.

I suppose as recruitment falls and standards slip there will be the inevitable slide from pride.

In the active services you have to keep fit. In the reserves, we pushed a fitness regime that really made them think. It was in their own best interests to keep up with the fitness levels for when they got a beasting on exercise. For the most part those lads and lasses did us proud. And some of THEM put US to shame!!!

So far as I can see, by any local samplings, ... Our army men and women still keep themselves as peaked and trim as they can. It's attitude in the Navy and Air Force as much as anything. Well, that and so many "rights" that everyone has. It's just not done, ya know, for a superior to firmly demand anything from the juniors. Feelings might be hurt, and then counselling sessions needed, ... oh it just goes on and on.

Basically, quite a reflection on our politically correct and super-sensitive-of-offending culture we now have.

And the biggest, most excruciating bit about it all? A total lack of melon-ous wenches with tankards of grog !!!!

alright alright. wots goin on here you snivelling wretch!! get a grip of yourself man

and any more discussions about my nethers and their size in certain outfits will be treated with severe cutlass disfigurations .....and furthermore you will be subjected to a lengthy post outlining my assets, attributes, photos of same and long and detailed accounts of how i got my scar here (gives brief flash of thigh), my tiny shamrock tattoo here (even further up same thigh).. and of all the poor sailors that just werent up to the job of keepin me happy.. some died tryin..


so. (hands on hips, very stern looking)

who left the bung out of the grog barrell? hmmmmm????

there's only 15 gallons left for the week..
hardly enough i fear..

i'm gonna have to send you 2 scurvy ridden dogs out on a mission to get more..

well!!! wot ye waitin fer!!!


(incidentally international 'talk like a pirate day' is in fact real and last year a few of us partook, turned out ot be a hoot, talkin loike thaaaat all da loike, and it were 'ard to come back to talkin like a normal person if you gets me... and those that did not partake simply looked on us with that 'god bless them they're quite mad' type of sympathetic look.. not to be confused with international pirate day, which would involve dressing up like one as well and my company would simply think it was not appropriate...
http://www.yarr.org.uk/ is your link if you want to sign up for this years fun sept 19th)

Hmmmm, does this festive occassion happen annually, about the same point in time? Because there is every probability that milady and I will be somewhere or other in the UK for a couple September weeks, 2007. Our way of celebrating 20 years of mutual survival ...

Meanwhiles, ... a purty-qwik DNA test will prove that the lipstick on the end of that straw in the bung-hole belongs to none other than ... *dramatic detective'y pause ...* HIM !!!!

*points east, while ing very fast to the WEST !!!*

*turns and glares eastwards, eyes narrowed.... *

(takes out flick dna tester from multi functional pirate utility belt and runs the test.....and raises eyebrows)..

oh! what a surprise..

who'd a thunk it.

(stares dramatically into the audience and the 'denn denn, dennnnnnnnnnnnn' noise permeates from the hold)


tune in next week folks to find out who spilled the grog.

*>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>s back in, pushing a full keg'o'grog in a wheel barrow, ... to the appreciative and thunderous applause of the audience*

So Madmae Wench, what form or breed of company is it that ye work for? Not a very seemly one, if they'd frown on simple -like dressings and stuff.

*>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>s back in, pushing a full keg'o'grog in a wheel barrow, ... to the appreciative and thunderous applause of the audience*

So Madame Wench, what form or breed of company is it that ye work for? Not a very seemly one, if they'd frown on simple -like dressings and stuff.

i work for Dewie, Huey and Louie

aka D and a Half Late (more like 'how bout next week')


we're yellow and red and we deliver stuff.. or at least we say we do

and yes, they're unreasonable about the dressing up thing.
think i blew it last year on valentines when i tried to serve coffee in the board room in a fronch maid's outfit..*




*part, or in fact, all of the last statement may be completely untrue, but it was such an amusing mental picture (if you knew management in this place, even more amusing) that i left it in

Ummmm, the only yellow-and-red that I know of, that delivers stuff, is a local pizzeria. And to be honest, I'd really rather NOT envision their delivery guy in a French-maid's uniform.

How-ever, I've done the Google thing (when everyone else was out of the shop, so as to not frighten them too much) and come up with a logo that I first met only a month or so ago. In fact, when I found the sticky on my door, I had no idea who they was. I guess they don't get much business in our smaller town.

So then, the vitally important question then ... Does ya's deliver grog across the great A-Pond? And deal with any necessary Customs bribes and stuff?

Ummmm, the only yellow-and-red that I know of, that delivers stuff, is a local pizzeria. And to be honest, I'd really rather NOT envision their delivery guy in a French-maid's uniform.

How-ever, I've done the Google thing (when everyone else was out of the shop, so as to not frighten them too much) and come up with a logo that I first met only a month or so ago. In fact, when I found the sticky on my door, I had no idea who they was. I guess they don't get much business in our smaller town.

So then, the vitally important question then ... Does ya's deliver grog across the great A-Pond? And deal with any necessary Customs bribes and stuff?

And following 9 tries, ... does ye deliver posts to this danged h2g2 thingie?

ha ha
yes

we do deliver all sorts .. being originally an American company and therefore probably pretty well known in Canada as well, i thought DHL would have been like a household name to ya, but maybe not...
Fast approaching being one of the biggest companies in the world at the moment (and possibly the biggest 'stuff-shifting' company on this wee planet), one does at times feel like a mere dot on the landscape.

are you trying to get stuff hauled cross the pond? we do have an air and ocean division but i dont deal personally with that.
i do deal with financial and administration issues, which is sometimes so exciting that i have to go outside and bite my arm not to scream at my desk with the heady fun of it all..

i think hootoo is being a bit norty lately indeed.. the server seems to be overloaded a lot, quite often cant get in me page.

(deafening whine as a Hercules belonging to the Undisclosed swoops in low overhead dropping in emergency barrels of grog. As they are without parachutes they smash through the deck of PW’s fine vessel "The Black Spot")

Oops!

Do DHL deliver planks of wood, nails and tar? And why are my feet suddenly getting wet...? I never signed up for this!

(takes off wooden peg and replaces it with wooden flipper)

Hootoo is very naughty indeed. Took me ages to get in with our feeble servers.

never moind bout planks and tar me lad !!! (slaps on back and hands large tankard of grog, with straw, umbrella and slice of pineapple)

we just comandeers another vessel so we do..

we sink this one and board another one, take some prisoners, rape an pillage a bit, eat their food and make em walk the plank for the laff..

so git that down ya, and git yer plunderin clobber on. we'll be leavin at sun up.

(which i suspect 'asnt 'appened in some of the more westerly continents)

Nope, no sign of the sun-thingie here yet. But it's expected soon.

Are you familiar with the notion of "Ground Hog Day"? ( http://wilstar.com/holidays/grndhog.htm ) That's tomorrow, and I don't wanna see no sun then, ya hear me?

Now then, about this raping, pillaging and plundering ... 'Ave we a set dres-code, or is a come-as-you-are kinda boarding thingie? I'd really hate to be considered gauche, wearing all the wrong stuff.

Queen Mary 2 off the starboard bow, Cap'n!

We'll take em by surprise! Especially when they sees me pantaloons.

I'll plunder and pillage til I'm blue in the face. I'll have to take a raincheck on the raping cos the wife sez I'm to be home by 10 bells.

Arrr!

Ummm, that ain't the QE2, ... that's me hair stylist. A lovely lad he is, too.

So yer missus is a real spoil-sport too, huh? Mine just won't let me have no fun, ... no incursions or assaults allowed after 9 pm, none at all on nights of "Reality TV" stuff, ... And I gots to sharpen and polish me own blades. She won't touch a whet-stone for love nor money.

well yer missus's dont know wot they're missin.. why have reality tv when you can have.....erm.. well, reality!!

there wont be much rapin on the QE2 in any hooo, cos doubt there's that many of an age.. plunderin might reap some noice loot tho!! good idea..
anyone know how to sail them cruisers ships? i only knows stuff bout riggin an poop decks and the loikes.. pirate college dont teach yer much about posh boats.

as for attire, yes indeed there is a dress code

you'l be expected to wear stripier socks, shiny'er buckles on yer pantaloons and the pantaloons must be bright red, and foind yerselves a parrot, an eyepatch, a 'kerchief, and a twirly moustache...

What a coincidence !!! I just gots me some new and BOLDLY stripey socks this past week-end. And I'm pretty sure a friend o' mine has hisself a parrot, wrapped in a really bright kerchief. Last I did see'd that boyd, it was sportin' an eye patch and one really twirly-curly 'stache.

Now the drivin' part .... Can't be that hard, ya'd think. I've seen loads of mindless actors and such drivin' 'em in the movies. Besides, on the high seas, ya gots lots of turnin' room, so ya can learn as ye go, eh?

*scurries about the work-shop, popping all the hasps off of the parts bins, and stickin 'em 'ere an thar ....*