h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

yes.. perfek!!

we're dressed for the occasion now.. dont forget the factor 90! Canucks and lilly libberd land lubbin limeys dont fare too well in this weather... crispy chicken being the comparison by sundown..

coconuts become ya honey..

i couldn't get coconuts in my size so i use these scooped out watermelon halves instead. they do nicely.!!

Isaiah, do you really need all that pineapple and umbrella sh!t in your drink??

i mean really.. you're projecting quite the wrong image there... (sees tribe chief making a beeline for isaiah with large garland and an even larger amourous grin on his face, and backs off smirking)

Aye, Cap'n. I've got the Chief right where I wants him!

Give me a few years to milk him for all ee's worth and then we'll divide up the loot and scarper.

Me name's now Malibu and I be full of Bounty.

a few years!!!!!

we'll be haulin anchor and shippin out of here in a day or 2, you'd want to work quicker than that..these things (points out at QE2, where there seems to be a cross between a Darby and Joan tea dance and a carribean rain dance festival goin on up on deck with natives and old dears) are not cheap to run u know


anyway. i'm supposed to be counting... ninety nine ONE HUNDRED!!! COME OUT COME OUT WHEREVER YOU ARE.. (bounds off in search of hiding natives)

Hmmm. Ok. I may has to cram this 'ere Black Widow scam into 2 days.

How does that there sexy dance go again?

And I do what with my coconuts?

*a 'close encounters' type moment follows; everyone looks towards the light .... it's pirate Nick..podium dancing and a native girl givin it loads with the bongos beside him....... a crowd has formed and can be heard chanting..... 'go nicky, go nicky, go nicky'....

Ayebee and Isaiah do the 'well i never' face at each other and nod, well impressed*

i think THAT's how you do the dance honey.. not sure one is supposed to do it nekked, but it seems to work with the natives....


hey.. can i borrow your mascara?

*wipes the sweat from his brow with all he's wearing, ... a silk scarf, ... and tosses it to the swooning crowd*

Thenk yah, thenk ya verra much ...


*leaps down from the platform, grabs the nearest grassy skirt thing ....*

Whoops, sorry Miss

*dons the skirt, grabs a coconut shell filled with toxic island brew and proceeds to chat up the other ladies ....*

Cap'n, that ain't mascara. It be black eyes from the beatin' young Winslet gave me between the sheets. Like an animal she were...with whiskers and a tail too.

Or it may have been the ship's cat again. Hard to tell once the grog had flowed...

Now then. Nicky, where did ye learn them sexy moves. Ye wouldn't be a member of the Undisclosed would ye?

I hears they are all secret agent types out to infiltrate us.

Nawww, with these skirt things and such, no double-nought agents can be around. No-where's ta be hidin' their arsenal, ya know.

Mind you, the skipper 'ere don't seem to be needin' none of them, eh? Wot with her WMDs. (Weapons-of-Mass-Distraction)

Oh no, it be a UN inspection team come to investigate the Cap'n's WMDs. Quick, we needs a distraction.

First mate Nicky, go and shoot someone while huntin' fer albatross. That'll buy us some time.

(hastily manhandling the Captain's melons)

Arrrr! These are never gonna fit in the portside head...

*Smiles and swishes isaiah away with wave of hand and somehow manages to hide the dangerous melons, or at least put them beyond use for the time being...*

dont you worry bout these guys.. leave em to me.. hunt albatross by all means tho.. yeah, and i'd hide the rocket launcher.. it dont really fit in with the image..

*switches on 1000 watt beam and sashays over to talk to the UN inspector in her 'cadbury caramel rabbit' voice.. within seconds he's sipping an Isaiah Special Happy Cocktail of Grog, pineapple, jamaica rum and seeming not to care a jot about the few measley little weapons in the hold*

oh.. and i have quite a nice collection of etchings up in my cabin sir ....(fiddles with his tie and bats eyelashes).. would you like to come up and see em??

* not noticing how the Inpsector has melted into a puddle .... *


*slips below-decks of the inspection 'boat' and finds loads a' bing-bam-BOOOOOM !!! toys*




*waddles back up the beaches to that concrete-bunker-hut, trying to look all ic innocent, ... *

Gawds, what WAS in that drink? It done did knocked me out for a week !!! Quick someone, get me anudder !!!

a cows udder?

would that actually help??

incidentally.. one wonders.. (picture pirate wench, lost in thought, a rare sight).. when man discovered that milk can be got from a cows udder.. ...... ...... what was he doing there in the first place??? hmmm???

you men are a wierd bunch..

My mates and I have discussed stuff like that on occassion. Who was the first to think, "Hmmm, if I pull and squeeze on these, I wonder what it'll taste like?" "Hey, looky that round thing that just come out a chicken's rear. Should I cook that, d'ye suppose?"

And obviously, the first one to prepare and eat escargots was purely mad and depraved. A good thing too !!!

Arrr...and who d'ye think thought of eatin' frog legs?

Mad them Frenchies are!

And yet, I finds them strangely attractive. Especially their onions...

Mind you, having grown in a Prussian-backgrounded family, there were many a thing served up that could make ya wonder. And I still like each and every one.

right.. pirate nick is OFF cookin duties for a week till he gets over his cravings for all things ikky....

isaiah.. you're on pancake duty tonight.. i loikes mine plain, with just a sqez o lemon and a teeny sprinkle of sugar..

(sits back on padded deckchair with large martini)


what's happened to the inspector lads?? anyone seen him??

* finishes wrapping the fresh burger and roasts ... *

Sorry, Cap'n, I ain't see'd them fer quite some time ...

Sorry, Cap'n...the only pancakes I knows how to make is pink pancakes. You see, I drops my pantaloons and then I takes hold of each one o' me-

(Kate Winslet rushes back up on deck and censors this bit with some gratuitous nudity)

-otherwise known as "teabagging".

Oh...you mean THE Private Inspector? He's probably out Inspectorin'. Maybe in Eye-raq...