h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I's kinda partial to a vile brew called "London Dock", ... J'makin stuff brewed and bottled for the island of Newfoundland. It'll warm the cockles, and loosen any barnacles as well.

Do that have that in a diet? I can see me having to let the belt out on these here pantaloons.

It's all this luxury living, see?

I longs for the days when we woz all eating weevils, climbing to the crow's nest and sleepin' with the ship's cat.

I'm not the man I woz...

(looks down at 2 hooks and 2 pegs)

erm.. snigger... that weren't ships cat..

But it had whiskers...big whiskers.

Awright, ... so Igor let his blade dull a bit and couldna shave fer awhile. That's no excuse fer not noticing that unique halitosis !!!

Halitosis???

Had Igor been at the pilchards too?

Are we there yet, by the way? I can't see a thing with these eyepatches*...


*curse those hooks and my contact lenses...

*hands off a few baby octopus tentacles, whose suction-cuplets are multi-funtional ...*


Land Ho !!!!!


Ummmmm, what's them white, icy looking dome things? And how come the dogs all got sleds hitched to 'em?

Quick! Release DiCaprio! He'll lead us to safety.

(PSSST...make sure you tie that anvil to him good and tight)

Ummmm, we've already tried that. The silly fool stuck his tongue to the anvil and it froze !!! Now he's just sitting on that thar big hunk o' floating ice making odd noises.

By-the-by, 'as anyone seen our Skipper? She said sumpin' about another "chat" with the ex-captain of this boat-thingie.

*totters back across the deck, interupting a game of deck tennis and trippin over some barsteward*


sorry boys.. been, ehh. checkin the captains log. yeah that's it..
and it's fine.. no problems there.


ok (rubs hands together and glances at leonardo, frowns and sits down)

what we doin with him then??

have you been in any of the cabins boys? show me your loot!!.. i dont think we can stay on this rig. it's very bludy cold. where the f are we?? who's navigating this thing??

Captain's log, eh?

These naval toilets...

Arrr...loot. I knew there was somethin' I was fergettin'.

(hides Kate Winslet in large canvas sack)

I can see young DiCaprio's chattering gold teeth from 'ere.
Permission to extract, Cap'n...

sure.. go right ahead.

i have piraty nursing training u know. would you like me to stand beside you and compliment you on your knowledge of all implements dentisty, while you rattle them off and i hand them to you.. (well in truth i'll just be handing you HRH silver knifes and forks from out the loot bag, but it'll look good.. )

Much obliged, Cap'n.

I learned the old fashioned way of dentistry.

Knuckle Duster...

(Aye Bee produces knuckle duster)

Smile for the nice Captain, Mr DiCaprio.

(Thwack!)

Pliers...

*picks up and polishes the little glittery bits ... , discarding the white'ish ones*

stands open mouthed (but not too close to knuckleduster) and awed by the skil and dexterity of 1st mate isiah,......whilst keepin a beady eye on the other fella pocketing the goldie bits!!!

*sighs and sees the watchful eye, ... and places the good bits in 'er 'and*

Right, skipper, I think I figured where we is. Seems to be this new Canadian territory called Nunavit. (Pronounced None-of-it) And I t'ink that's exactly what we's wantin ...

Isaiah, hard to star-board, 110 degrees, ... And please watch them sparkly, floatin' islandy t'ings? I heerd they bite boats HARD !!!

Aye, sir!

(unfurls enormous pair of combat trousers and the ship turns hard a-starboard)

Now, which way to Switzerland?

*cocks a thumb over a shoulder* That'a'way ... Fer now, ANYwhere south and warmer, if'n ye doesn't mind.

*arrives out on deck in some old dear's mink coat and large pair of doc martins...*

right. i've coralled all the oldies into the ballroom, Dickie Rock is there (genuine irish showman, all the old dears love him)..and is givin it loads and they're having a nice tea dance. no clue that we're up in the frozen climes...

so. .full steam ahead......

*KKKKEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNCCCCCCCCCCHHH*


what was that!!!

Oh ing 'ell. Isaiah, I done TOLD ya to watch fer them big floaty white things.

Righty then, to the life boats. and grog first ...