Journal Entries
Now what...
Posted Dec 6, 2006
Well.
After the 'confession', things were a little better. Not that I didn't expect there to be something like another woman - but it was a relief to know I'm not completely crazy and paranoid.
We talked some more than before, I trusted a little more, and felt less useless.
Yesterday was our wedding day anniversary. Now, last friday, he worked. On saturday, I was busy elsewhere with the children, while he slept. On sunday, he worked, while I was busy with the children. On monday we both worked, and he got another night shift. Tuesday was the wedding day.
Early in the morning, he rang, and we exchanged anniversary kisses over the phone. I took the children to school. Daughter has a flat bike tire, so was given a ride in the car with son. Husband slept at work, because the cleaning lady comes on tuesdays. I went on a medical checkup - hours of waiting, of course. Back home to clear lego off the floor before cleaning lady comes. Did a bit of prep work for the painter, who I am expecting any minute. Went to work, husband called after his sleep/nap. More sweet words - at least I tried... He had meetings to attend and another surgery after that, so by the time he came home, children and I had already left for rehearsal.
I left a little note on the table though...
When we came home from rehearsals, Husband had felt sorry for himself, lonely, deserted, and all the bad things that are very natural to feel if the wife has gone on a party, say. He felt cut out from the family, even though he himself has chosen not to be part of the rehearsals. And it's a big show, skipping rehearsals is just not done.
So he was moody, slightly drunk and treated me like ...oh I don't know. Something useless.
He went to bed, I put the children to bed. I came to bed, he got up. He came back, accusing me (once again) for not loving him. Not caring. The note I had left was not true, I'm a liar. All I want from him is - I don't even know what he thinks I want! Not sex, that he believed. Not caressing, not to be sweet to him. If I am sweet, it's because I force it, not because I care. If I approach him - as I did last night, he refuses. He claims he doesn't care. He will get his own apartment.
And then suddenly he cries, apologises, claims he has missed us so, he loves me, and I'm suddenly not worthless at all. I try to comfort him, while he has just shredded my confidence and my heart again. And he falls asleep.
I can't take it. I want him to be happy. I would like to be sweet always, but I never know if it's going to be spit at, rejected, taken for false emotions... or perhaps appreciated. So, yes, I am guilty of not beeing sweet enough towards him, not making sexual approaches very often. But I work like a dog, at work and with the show, with the children and the remodeling. I have very little left of me, so forgive me if I have even less left for anyone else. Bear with me until I get some peace, and I will reward it.
Of course, if he wants to leave, or wants me to leave, that will happen. I don't want to be the thing between him and happiness.
Oh. Cr*p. I don't know what to do.
Discuss this Journal entry [7]
Latest reply: Dec 6, 2006
Of course.
Posted Nov 22, 2006
Of course there was another woman.
Of course he knew all the time that I was the one, and the other one would never last.
Of course he cried and was miserable for a very long time.
Of course I promised to forgive.
Of course all the talk of my weight was just a clever shift of focus from his odd behaviour.
Of course.
Of course I am not useless, worthless, no point in improving myself.
Of course he STILL expects me to lose 5 kg!
Of course.
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Latest reply: Nov 22, 2006
Messed up mind
Posted Nov 7, 2006
All this thinking and reflection makes me very tired.
I do feel stronger. Really. I am standing up more.
But today I just want to sleep.
And I am struggling not to make a phone call to The Other One. Not that I would know what to say anyway, I'd probably just be silly and stupid. I am not prepared to talk about Dear Husband and related troubles with him.
I would like to be held safely in someones arms. Not have to worry about being skinny or fat or brave or ambitious. Just rest a little. To calm down.
So I have a cup of tea. I pretend to work, but haven't achived much at all today.
I can't even be bothered to skip work and go out in the lovely sunshine.
QN
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Latest reply: Nov 7, 2006
And there are good days too
Posted Nov 3, 2006
When you appreciate what I do
When you say I'm pretty, even in sloppy shirt and gym pants, with uncombed hair
When we speak, have lovely conversations
For these days, I stay, and will stay on much longer than you think
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Latest reply: Nov 3, 2006
And yet again
Posted Nov 2, 2006
I went to a dinner last night, with colleagues, in the home of one of them. It was much nicer than I expected and I was in a good mood when I came home.
But you were unhappy again.
Again, you claimed that I don't love you.
Again, I spent time to explain that it is the base of my life, that my love for you is always there.
And again, you pointed out that I don't love you enough - physically.
But that's because I don't care much about my own body. Not because I don't love yours.
Maybe it sank in this time that if my body is constantly criticised, it's not easy to love it and to love using it. At least you almost apologised. At least you felt a little ashamed.
You said last night that I have a beautiful body. Trouble is, it's hard to believe when it's been harshly judged for the last 13 years.
But I will keep working on my self esteem and on appreciating my body. For now, I work on accepting it as it is, reminding you often that I'm in better shape than in many years, and that I excercise more than ever before.
Maybe one day, I will even like my own body, and maybe I can enjoy it together with you more.
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Latest reply: Nov 2, 2006
QuietNefertari
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