Journal Entries
Will it get better?
Posted May 21, 2007
So. Husband found out about the other one.
One minute he is a wreck, then we talk, then he's better and wants our marriage to last, then he accuses me of not loving him, then I'm the best in the world, then he mopes, then he loves me, then...
Constant mood swings, wich makes me always on my toes. Never quite relaxing. Never quite at ease.
I hate when he decides that I don't love *him*. If he for once decided if he loves me or not, there would be something to trust and move on with, but when he imagines that he knows my feelings, it's cr*p.
I am prepared to work damn hard to make it work again. But if he keeps sabotaging it with distrust, then I don't think I can take it. Either we move on together or not. I will not live like it was still february. I have let go of the other one, and I have let go of his affair. Now is when and where we are.
I want peace.
To relax and to trust. I don't need to constantly disprove paranoia, to constantly achieve to be worthy of his love.
I love easily. I really don't need much flowers, chocolate, perfumes... but a cuddle in the sofa, a smile, a nudge, the little everyday things.
Sadly, I am not as sexy as is required - I don't need sex, it seems - because I rarely miss it. I don't dislike it either, it's just not very important. But since I know it is important to Husband, it becomes important 'second hand'. So, we have more sex than we used to.
And I'm not clingy, I don't throw myself at him when he comes home (or I...) but hang my jacket and kick off my shoes first - then I like a little snog.
I am still to fat for his desires, but *I* think I'm OK. Not fabulous, but OK. I can go shopping again, without feeling like a hippo.
I haven't lost the final 2 kg to reach my goal. But I haven't gained back either! That's OK. Not great, but OK. I will get there in the end. And it's not his goal, it's mine.
So. It's a rollercoaster, when I'd rather go in the gentle miniboats.
QN
Discuss this Journal entry [18]
Latest reply: May 21, 2007
On the verge of crying
Posted Apr 4, 2007
I can't cry now, I'm at w*rk.
But I'm exhausted. The Husband is a depressed perfectionist. He goes to pieced over not being perfect at the dance class we go to. He is demanding unreasonable performance from himself, as well as from me. I just don't know how much more I can take. Not only do I have to be happy, lose weight, dress sharply and want sex, I also have to comfort him again and again.
On one hand, I'm not yet ready to give up on him - he is the father of our children, we usually have a good life together. But the burden of him and his sadness wears me down.
I wish he would like himself for who he is and not by what he does. I wish he would not demand perfect performance of himself and others.
How can I convince him to get help?
QN
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Apr 4, 2007
Just a little sad. Nothing serious
Posted Feb 11, 2007
I'm not sure why. Just feel a little empty and low.
Perhaps it's just PMS, perhaps it winter blues, or maybe it's just Sunday.
I miss my transatlantic sweetheart. And I try not to bug him too much - no point in being clingy, really... but I would appreciate more contact - emails, phone calls, but it's not easy.
I should spend my love on my husband, and I try, I do try. But because it's not wholehearted, it's not as fulfilling as it might.
And I still hurt just a little from all his remarks over the last year. Or more...
Just now, I've lost another kilo, I am 64 kg, not 65 like before Christmas, or 68 like last summer. I feel good. I try to celebrate every kilo lost, but when I am asked to reach 60 by May it takes all the joy away.
But I keep taking my walks, I mind my food, and I enjoy my new pretty clothes and my new glasses, and try to be happy.
QN
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Feb 11, 2007
Panic attack
Posted Jan 7, 2007
I went running with my Husband today. I started a few minutes ahead, and he caught up with me just before the 1 km mark. I felt I was doing pretty well, even kept jogging up the steep little hill just past 2 km. And when I reached the top, I got a panic attack.
I got this strained wheezing sound when I drew my breath, I thought I couldn't breathe. Tears trickled down my cheeks. It took maybe a minute to calm down, enough to keep walking.
And I was so sad.
Then we walked some 100 m, jogged a 100 more and another baby panic surfaced, but I calmed down within a minute.
I felt useless. Like I will never be good enough, like I felt in high school sports class, and never made the 2.5 km track wihtout wheezing and tasting blood.
It's like I expect to lose my breath when I run. Yesterday, I tried the 3km too, but that was even slower, I must have walked half of it. Which is why I wanted to try again today. And failed.
I don't know why. Why can't I feel good about running?
Not true. I sort of know.
I run not because I want to. I run because I want to be accepted by Husband. And to be that, I have to lose weight. Which can be done by running.
I hate exercise. Really. But I don't hate my weight enough to exercise anyway. Maybe because my weight is part of me? And I don't really want to change.
I want to be accepted.
How can I stand up to Husband and say: I am good enough. I may lose weight, I may not. If you don't love me as I am, you can stow it. Stop threatening me, trying to lure me to lose weight by that 'I will love you even more if you're even more beautiful' crap. Because all it says to me, is 'I don't really love who you are now', 'You are not good enough'.
So why does he say he loves me? Now? Already? Is it just fear of losing me?
Whatever.
I'm not quite ready to live my life alone. But if this blackmail continues, it may make me ready.
Because blackmail it is.
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Jan 7, 2007
The other again
Posted Jan 4, 2007
He is going to be on the same side of the Atlantic in a few weeks.
I would love to meet him again.
I have no idea how to make it - technically, it's just a short flight away. But I have to have a plausible reason to tell the family.
And I don't know what to do.
But my heart keep skipping beats.
I know this is not quite for real. He will never move near. I can never leave my children. Husband? I might.
Scary to admit it. But I might.
Still not enough to take the other one really really seriously.
But exciting nevertheless. You see, he wants to meet me too.
QN
Discuss this Journal entry [4]
Latest reply: Jan 4, 2007
QuietNefertari
Researcher U6012537
Write an Entry
"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a wholly remarkable book. It has been compiled and recompiled many times and under many different editorships. It contains contributions from countless numbers of travellers and researchers."