h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

So. Husband found out about the other one.

One minute he is a wreck, then we talk, then he's better and wants our marriage to last, then he accuses me of not loving him, then I'm the best in the world, then he mopes, then he loves me, then...

Constant mood swings, wich makes me always on my toes. Never quite relaxing. Never quite at ease.

I hate when he decides that I don't love *him*. If he for once decided if he loves me or not, there would be something to trust and move on with, but when he imagines that he knows my feelings, it's cr*p.

I am prepared to work damn hard to make it work again. But if he keeps sabotaging it with distrust, then I don't think I can take it. Either we move on together or not. I will not live like it was still february. I have let go of the other one, and I have let go of his affair. Now is when and where we are.

I want peace.


To relax and to trust. I don't need to constantly disprove paranoia, to constantly achieve to be worthy of his love.

I love easily. I really don't need much flowers, chocolate, perfumes... but a cuddle in the sofa, a smile, a nudge, the little everyday things.

Sadly, I am not as sexy as is required - I don't need sex, it seems - because I rarely miss it. I don't dislike it either, it's just not very important. But since I know it is important to Husband, it becomes important 'second hand'. So, we have more sex than we used to.

And I'm not clingy, I don't throw myself at him when he comes home (or I...) but hang my jacket and kick off my shoes first - then I like a little snog.

I am still to fat for his desires, but *I* think I'm OK. Not fabulous, but OK. I can go shopping again, without feeling like a hippo.

I haven't lost the final 2 kg to reach my goal. But I haven't gained back either! That's OK. Not great, but OK. I will get there in the end. And it's not his goal, it's mine.

So. It's a rollercoaster, when I'd rather go in the gentle miniboats.

QN

I hope it does get better and I hope I'm not intruding but I dropped in in March when I bumped into you on the "How do you know if you're in love" thread and have been meaning to say something since. As I said, I do hope things get better because it sounds to me like you very much deserve them to.
Van

Welcome, Van,

I usually stay on my other account, and since this one hasn't had much traffic in the past, I've not spent time here.

I do appreciate visitors though!
I am going to launch into another rant, so please forgive that, it might not be what a visitor wants...

Since that previous post, we had a real row. I took the car and spent a night with my parents, he kept being strange in texts, and called mum and dad to tell them that I have been unfaithful, and he had too. I hadn't told them that, but tried to keep it low, just being away.

The mood swings were getting worse. That day, he was very low, and I felt he was agressive to me. Not violent, but agressive. I took the car, went for a ride, brought things to go to mum and dad. He called, cried, begged me to come home. The batteries died in my mobile, and I went to buy a charger to use in the car.

Then went home.

He had downed a bottle of wine and also some whisky. I asked how much, and when he told me, I turned. That time I really went to my parents.

I ache as I am typing this.

The children were home with him that night.

Our son cried a lot, our daughter locked herself up in her room. Husband cried, called, texted, got abusive, promised never to be bad to me again, then swore at me, then begged me again to come home.

It went as far as me actually getting back in the car. Mum drove, dad followed in their car. But just as we were getting close to home, he called, and cursed at me again. So we returned to mum and dads place.

Next day, I went to work, waited until mum was finished, and she came with me to pick up the children, to go to their place.

Husband and I talked, we still want to be friends, lovers, husband and wife. But I was clear that I can't take any bad mouth, and that I wasn't ready to come back just yet.

More of the story a little later, I have some other things to do now...

QN

You can rant as much and as often as you like (not that it sounded especially ranty to me.)

I'm not sure what to say at the moment that would be of any help but please tell me the rest when you have time- I can at least listen.

Van

Thanks... sometimes just a listening ear is what I need.

I conveniently forgot to mention that of course I was the reason for the above mess...

I had planned a meeting of some friends at our house, and offered a bed for one of them travelling far. For a week. Without asking husbands permission.

And my betrayal lay in inviting unknown people to our house, who I know over the internet. Without permission.

Oh. I don't know what to say now. Maybe another time, maybe not.

Of course I should have discussed with him. At the same time, I knew he wouldn't approve, so delayed. And maybe that was the fault. I should have discussed before inviting them.

I wanted to include him, to let him know who I know over the net, but he made it sound like I was online dating and brought an internet date home. Now why would I invite a date to my home like that?

So. Of course the meeting was cancelled, the friend was booked into a youth hostel, and I've only met up with him twice, first when he just arrived, and checked in at the hostel, then yesterday over lunch.

I feel like a complete loser, inviting people then abandoning them.

But I have tried again and again to convince husband that he is more important than them, and that's why I cancelled the meeting, and abandoned the friend. So now he has a bad conscience for that. My fault again...

Bleurgh.

QN

That's the kind of thing that would have pissed my dad off (inviting someone to stay without asking) when I was thirteen!

I know it's more complex than that but even so... *serious* over reaction and, in my opinion, it should be as much your house as his- you shouldn't have to ask/justify. Fair enough, communication is good but it is *two-way*; you have to be able to feel like you can talk about things as much as actually talking about them. D'you think it would have been different if you'd asked a female internet friend to stay? If so, that should tell you a lot of what you need to know.

Sorry, I feel like I'm prying now
I am happy to just listen (will subscribe to your journal if that's ok?) but I can't guarantee keeping schtum if I think you're being unfair on yourself. Feel even more like I'm prying now!

I'm just glad that you seem more controlled than before (I was worried about you; it sounded like you were backed into a corner.) but I get the impression that you are taking blame that isn't yours to ease the situation. I don't have kids, so I can't imagine how much they must complicate a relationship, but please do think of your own happiness. I doubt your kids will be happy if you're not. Sorry to sound so impertinent when we've only just met!

Pry over, I promise and I will just listen if you want.

Van

Don't feel bad for prying, I need the questions to clear it up in my own mind. And do subscribe, if you want. I might put you on my friends list too, if that's OK. And please, let me know if I am being unfair - to myself or to my husband! I feel I have lost some perspective here...

I am sure I mentioned the meet-up earlier in the year, and it was recieved with not much attention. Only when it was approaching, and I mentioned the house guest, did it register, I think.

And yes, it's my home too, I felt humiliated having to ask, and that I could somehow just inform - "my friends are coming, I hope there's no problem, and that they will be your friends too".

It might have been different if it was a girl. But this was just a kid, a young guy with very little money. But when I tried to explain, he was not interested - it's a male, that's all.

Of course the previous infidelity affected things. But if I was going to be unfaithful, would I have the person in my home with my family? (I said that before, didn't i...)

And I feel better now, not as backed into a corner as I was. The antidepressants are working, and husband now sees things in a slightly better perspective. Above all, we both agree that we love each other, and no-one else. WHich none of us really believed until just recently, for a period of several years.

Thanks again for stopping by, come back soon!

QN

Glad to hear it; love can be a wonderful thing.
Feel free to add me to your friends list, I've added you to mine.

Sorry, I'm abit rushed but I'll drop by again soon.

Van

Bad news, I left him.

Last night he kept obsessing about my infidelity, and drinking.
He kept pulling me out of bed, to talk about it.

He managed to wake the children, and they were in my bed as the attack came, not hurting physically, but definitely being physically agressive, shoving me, pressing me against the headboard. And yelling. Like I never heard before. The children were white with fear. After the verbal abuse, there was a little break before he got physical, and that's when I whispered to my daughter (13) to call the police.
We locked ourselves in the bathroom until they came.
They took him in, and two constables took my report, staying with us until 4 am.
We slept a little, woke up after seven, and started packing. Mum and dad came, and helped pack.
The cleaning help came, and I asked her to clean anyway.

I'm now with the children at my parents' house.
Husband is not allowed to call me, so talks to mum.
Our son is very upset. He needs counselling sharply, I'll call the support center again tomorrow.

I'm very sad.
But I'm sure I did the right thing, to have him taken away by police, and to leave home with the children.
I can't have more of this Jekyll and Hyde behavior.
I need to build my own life now.

He has done what makes him not deserve the place he had.

Wow- well not (good)wow, (shocked) wow! I hate to think what you're going through right now and I really do feel for you. If it's any consolation, it sounds like you have most definitely done the right thing.

You're last paragraph is absolutely right and I wish you luck with building your own life. I'm hear to listen and comment if you need me.

Thinking of you
Van

I just want to say that I am very glad you did this and I am proud of you for your strength in leaving him despite your low self-esteem and your desire to try hard to please him for so long. It saddens me that you believe yourself to be such a terrible and ugly person when you are, in fact, really lovely. Here's hoping that time and space will work to help you see this.

It is clear that things between you and him have changed past the point of no return, so you have done absolutely the right thing. My recent separation has taught me that the emotional rollercoaster does get worse for a while afterwards; but it's not all bad by any means, and the difficult and lonely times are interspersed with laughter and pleasure... and, for me at least, things are improving.

You have been so good to me in the past, and I have a lot of admiration for the way you deal with life and people. I am sure you will deal with your new future very well, but if there is anything I can do to help or cheer you, do please let me know!

I'm very glad for your support. It helps a lot to vent, and to get confirmation on my actions. Of course, mum and dad, and brother do the same, but they are kind of involved in another way...

Snailrind, I am glad to hear things are improving, I have been thinking of you a lot lately, but as you understand, I've not had much power to support you.

much love

QN

I completely understand, QN.

Looks like I might be viewing my new home on Monday!

Be in no doubt that you have done the right thing. Keep being strong, keep treating yourself with respect. You deserve it, you really truelly do. Know that you are a beautiful person in every aspect.
Snairind isn't alone, you have been wonderful to me also and you will continue to have my love, trust and respect.
Vent on, have peace.

Still around. I keep reading your posts, but don't always reply at once.

It's strange, I have not much need of venting. I know what I want, I just wait for a counselling time with husband to tell him. That will be tough though. To say that I want to live without him. As the father and carer of our children, yes, but not as my husband. It will be hard for him to hear, I know. But we haven't made each other happy or safe lately. If through years of counselling, we make up and find a way back I can't tell now. Maybe when he feels better about himself, so he won't lash out again. But for now, I can't trust him, his mood swings and insecurity. He has to deal with that without me.


QN

*Gives strength.*

http://www.psymon.com/tarot/11-strength.html

Thanks dear Snail. It speaks directly to me, and it is indeed the kind of strenght I feel, and want to have.

How has your life moved on since last time?


QN

Feeling very emo right at this moment! But on the whole, things seem to be improving. I keep thinking about you, wondering how you are coping and how much we have in common. I wish I were able to tell you everything, but I can't. I've been contemplating emailing you, but haven't got round to it.

Anyway, I've moved almost all of my stuff and am settling into my new home nicely. It's a bit scary, but that's a good thing. I went for a walk today, exploring the area. There are lots of interesting places to walk, where one can be alone and surrounded by nature. I'm looking forward to getting to know them all. I hope there is some beauty in your life right now too.

I'm off to stay with my mother next week. I expect it will be stressful, but she needs to know I'm ok and stuff. I expect she'll try (and fail) to set me up with someone! Actually, I've had a surprising number of offers from blokes lately. It's flattering, but I could do with some space.