Journal Entries
Heart?
Posted Mar 16, 2015
It feels like my heart is aching. Like for real. Uncomfortable, but softly, just to the left of the sternum.
Probably just anxiety.
But not so nice.
I worry a lot about Lynch's syndrome - hereditary cancer, mainly intestinal (stomach, colorectal, gall etc.)
I still don't know if that's what mum had. I don't know if my sick aunt has it. Another aunt had benign polyps in colon - but that's also associated with Lynch's. My 35 yo cousin is having ovaries and womb removed because of endometriosis - but also mentioned a lump in her rectum.
So yeah, I'm scared. And I couldn't really understand if you have to have cancer to be tested, or if they can check based on suspicion. Or, as the case may be - anxiety. A fourth aunt is also in the system, hoping for answers.
It's draining.
QN
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Latest reply: Mar 16, 2015
Ache inside
Posted Nov 3, 2014
I don't understand why or how, but each time I try to really carefully put together the billing sheets for my hours and expenses for the month, I screw up.
I miss things, I get the numbers wrong. I put the right numbers in the wrong sheet, I send a sheet with old data and new file name. Also, one report format is for every day of the month, another is summary by month - but a second summary is by week, and when the month ends in mid-week, that throws me off. Travelling across month end also confuses me.
I try so hard, and I constantly fail.
I break down and have a panic attack - which helps like a bicycle for a fish.
Boss is upset, and calls and yells, and I freak out even more. I'm already crying because I fail, please stop being angry (is what I don't say, because I am ashamed).
I erase everything, and start over. I think I recognise every number, but I am probably wrong.
Again.
I don't trust what I do.
I hate month end.
Discuss this Journal entry [4]
Latest reply: Nov 3, 2014
Being odd again.
Posted Jun 25, 2014
Yeah. So.
This thing, I can't remember. But apparently, I have been mean and unkind in the most horrible, evil ways towards my boss. Who I really like and admire.
I *think* that I have misunderstood the tone of voice and choice of words on his side, thinking he was a jokey kind. And tried to be jokey too. But maybe I crossed unwritten rules and borders, and tried to behave like one of the guys, when I should have been behaving like a lady. And I am so not a lady.
So, eventually (after a very very long time, apparently) he told me. I was devastated, in shock, and found it hard to believe that I had said such mean words.
And I can't remember saying them, except for *one* occasion, which I told him. I explained that I thought he was joking, and that I tried to continue on that theme. The rest? Not a clue.
I apologised, explained that I like and admire him in work and as a person, and that I have never meant to be mean.
The result is that now I feel terrible around him. I get so tense, that I want to cry thinking about this. I get migraines, I feel like my blood pressure is rocketing.
I was never good at small talk, and now I watch myself so hard, I can hardly speak.
I wish I could let it go. But I also wish I could ask - have you seen that I am trying to change? Am I still being awful when I'm trying to be kind and nice?
It is so scary to not remember.
QN
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Latest reply: Jun 25, 2014
Not so good. But in a very different way.
Posted Mar 12, 2014
Well. I spoke too soon. My own relations are still good, but something else has happened.
A little more than a month ago, dad had a stomach bug, very swollen, and points of pain. It passed.
A few days later, mom got the same thing. Only, it didn't really pass. Her stomach got more and more swollen.
Eventually, she went to the doctor, who thought a)It's indigestion b)It might be in your mind. Some blood and urine work was made, but showed nothing.
It didn't get better, she went back, and got a referral for ultrasound exam at a nearby smaller hospital. But before the referral hospital even came back with a date, she went in urgently, late in the evening a week ago.
The swelling in her abdomen was so huge, dad said she looked nine months pregnant. And it was pressing on her organs, so she couldn't breathe well. So they went to ER.
Some quick x-ray happened, and determined that the swelling was fluid.
Towards Thursday morning, she got moved to a ward. More x-rays and scans.
After that, drains. 3 Liter came out in about an hour. Then they stopped for a bit, not to shock the body.
She was moved to the surgical ward on Thursday afternoon.
More to come.
QT
Discuss this Journal entry [18]
Latest reply: Mar 12, 2014
2014 is here
Posted Mar 2, 2014
It's been really long.
But life is good now. Just wanted you to know.
QN.
Discuss this Journal entry [3]
Latest reply: Mar 2, 2014
QuietNefertari
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