h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I went running with my Husband today. I started a few minutes ahead, and he caught up with me just before the 1 km mark. I felt I was doing pretty well, even kept jogging up the steep little hill just past 2 km. And when I reached the top, I got a panic attack.

I got this strained wheezing sound when I drew my breath, I thought I couldn't breathe. Tears trickled down my cheeks. It took maybe a minute to calm down, enough to keep walking.

And I was so sad.

Then we walked some 100 m, jogged a 100 more and another baby panic surfaced, but I calmed down within a minute.

I felt useless. Like I will never be good enough, like I felt in high school sports class, and never made the 2.5 km track wihtout wheezing and tasting blood.

It's like I expect to lose my breath when I run. Yesterday, I tried the 3km too, but that was even slower, I must have walked half of it. Which is why I wanted to try again today. And failed.

I don't know why. Why can't I feel good about running?

Not true. I sort of know.

I run not because I want to. I run because I want to be accepted by Husband. And to be that, I have to lose weight. Which can be done by running.

I hate exercise. Really. But I don't hate my weight enough to exercise anyway. Maybe because my weight is part of me? And I don't really want to change.

I want to be accepted.

How can I stand up to Husband and say: I am good enough. I may lose weight, I may not. If you don't love me as I am, you can stow it. Stop threatening me, trying to lure me to lose weight by that 'I will love you even more if you're even more beautiful' crap. Because all it says to me, is 'I don't really love who you are now', 'You are not good enough'.

So why does he say he loves me? Now? Already? Is it just fear of losing me?

Whatever.

I'm not quite ready to live my life alone. But if this blackmail continues, it may make me ready.

Because blackmail it is.