h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Well.

After the 'confession', things were a little better. Not that I didn't expect there to be something like another woman - but it was a relief to know I'm not completely crazy and paranoid.

We talked some more than before, I trusted a little more, and felt less useless.

Yesterday was our wedding day anniversary. Now, last friday, he worked. On saturday, I was busy elsewhere with the children, while he slept. On sunday, he worked, while I was busy with the children. On monday we both worked, and he got another night shift. Tuesday was the wedding day.

Early in the morning, he rang, and we exchanged anniversary kisses over the phone. I took the children to school. Daughter has a flat bike tire, so was given a ride in the car with son. Husband slept at work, because the cleaning lady comes on tuesdays. I went on a medical checkup - hours of waiting, of course. Back home to clear lego off the floor before cleaning lady comes. Did a bit of prep work for the painter, who I am expecting any minute. Went to work, husband called after his sleep/nap. More sweet words - at least I tried... He had meetings to attend and another surgery after that, so by the time he came home, children and I had already left for rehearsal.

I left a little note on the table though...

When we came home from rehearsals, Husband had felt sorry for himself, lonely, deserted, and all the bad things that are very natural to feel if the wife has gone on a party, say. He felt cut out from the family, even though he himself has chosen not to be part of the rehearsals. And it's a big show, skipping rehearsals is just not done.

So he was moody, slightly drunk and treated me like ...oh I don't know. Something useless.

He went to bed, I put the children to bed. I came to bed, he got up. He came back, accusing me (once again) for not loving him. Not caring. The note I had left was not true, I'm a liar. All I want from him is - I don't even know what he thinks I want! Not sex, that he believed. Not caressing, not to be sweet to him. If I am sweet, it's because I force it, not because I care. If I approach him - as I did last night, he refuses. He claims he doesn't care. He will get his own apartment.



And then suddenly he cries, apologises, claims he has missed us so, he loves me, and I'm suddenly not worthless at all. I try to comfort him, while he has just shredded my confidence and my heart again. And he falls asleep.

I can't take it. I want him to be happy. I would like to be sweet always, but I never know if it's going to be spit at, rejected, taken for false emotions... or perhaps appreciated. So, yes, I am guilty of not beeing sweet enough towards him, not making sexual approaches very often. But I work like a dog, at work and with the show, with the children and the remodeling. I have very little left of me, so forgive me if I have even less left for anyone else. Bear with me until I get some peace, and I will reward it.

Of course, if he wants to leave, or wants me to leave, that will happen. I don't want to be the thing between him and happiness.

Oh. Cr*p. I don't know what to do.

I haven"t got time to read all of your posts tonight but will have a go tomorrow and come back ok

Maybe Im the wrong sex to give you advice but you can at least use my shoulder

If I could, I'd wave a magic wand and make it all better - that you would have an emotionally stable man to share your life with, and that life wasn't quite so tough and confusing for you

But I can't; I wish I could

I will say this though.

Ask yourself: is this person who has, over a long period of time, been emotionally dependent on you and emotionally abusive to you when he realises he's so emotionally weak...

is this person who seems to expect another person to be The Answer to his own internal problems...

Is he really worth *your* sort of love?

I'm not saying he isn't worth loving - every single one of us is; and I'm not saying you shouldn't love him - we love who we do without rhyme or reasen You can love someone and wish them well, and hope for their happiness.

You never have to let them to abuse you - because, that is what he is doing, from what I read from your journals. He's eroding your "self" from you.

And I don't, for a minute, think he's doing it intentionally; but that's what I see him doing, intentionally or not.

Sorry if that sounds harsh; but you're an intelligent adult, who's a bit lost, and has her own thoughts and feelings, not a child to protect; - I feel I would be insulting you if I sugar coated the issue and tried to make it all soft and fluffy and nice.

Its none of these things.

Is someone, who has eroded your confidence and encouraged your feelings of self worth to plummet to almost nothing worthy of your love little quiet one?

Is someone who's betrayed you sexually - and then has the gaul to accuse you that it's all *your fault he strayed, the right person with whom to share your life?

Its called transference; he feels guilty for being unfaithful/inadequate/a failiure...and instead of addressing his probles, he's using you (and possibly the children? I don't know) as emotional punch bags.

Unfaithful he has been - I'd suggest you got yourself checked for STD on a practical note - and *insist he does, too. And ensure you see his results in nice big official paperwork, as well before you even consider mending your bridges if you choose to try and make a go of your relationship physically.

It's only him who sees himself as inadequate and a failiure, (bless you, you're being so decent and loving about him, you, no doubt see him as a troubled man you can help) so I would also insist he got some councelling so he can meet you as an equal when you resolve -and if the pair of you choose to stay together.

From an outsider's point of view I would be very tempted to pack his bags for him and change the locks to the communual home. But then, I'm not a very soft person. Outwardly, yes; but inside there's a very hard centre. But that's what I'd do - because that's what I did, when I was in your situation.

It hurts, its confusing and there's an awful lot of guilt and pain involved. For some obscure, ridiculous reasen you tend to think "Oh... if on;y I'd been nicer/better looking/ jumped through more hoops for him"

And then reality kicks in; and some little voice says "Do I want this infantile little shit to share my life any more? Do I want my children to copy his dysfunctional behaviour and go on to repeat the same mistakes as he's made, and I've made, by allowing him to bully me?"


Well, thats what my little voice said, after a lot of soul searching and pain and angst. But then I'm me, and you're you.

It's your choice.




More practicalities: Do you have familly/good, kind supportive friends living locally? Can you turn to them for advice atall?

Have you a Marriage/Relationship Councellor or similar support system you could utilise?

Have you thought about ringing The Samaritans and having a good anonomous rant at them?

And have you made sure to look after yourself first and foremost, emotionally? By which I mean, accepting ONLY your share of mistakes, and not take his on board?

I think I've said enough for now

Sorry I spoke after that rant least I came here under my own name n feelings for a friend

That wasn't aimed at you Nef just keep your head down n don"t expose yourself so much .

Been their done that so ta speak n have a friend who'se? wife ran away again yesterday n for the rest of his family just hope she doesn't come back '

You are not like that you have been a good wife and hopefully will still be in the future. Its a man thing who ends up in the middle of his life 40tys something wondering whats left for him etc etc etc wheres the new challenge.

Time to forgive I think, think about the future n get the good stuff out yeh half a bra etc and see if he doesn't notice you now .


When I was in my middle 40tys I had everything too, a loving wife 2 houses paid for and a job that I really enjoyed self employed , then I realised every man around me was playing away from home even some friends fathers were at it n before I knew it I was noticing those nice new shapes smiling at me and just had to have a go so ta squeak .

Now It's your turn get the good stuff out of the drawer n make him help you,you never know he may have the same kinks as you enjoy what should come naturally forget the past n just go for it ,

Don't think about the past just make sure you both enjoy the future casuse theirs a lot of the future out there to explore'

As for you minnie double mouse chuck um over your shoulder cause your turn will come n you can't keep a young boy down I give you about 6 yrs then watch out .

I'm sure you will read this before others time wise so if you don't like it then delete it .


still didn't read the rest just got angree at the rant .


From a friend n wasn"t picking on you a while ago cause you really are my friend

and Old one, although it seems you have opposing opinions, you have both given me food for thought. Thankyou both for coming here.

Now.

I am certain this is a mid life crisis for my husband. It is out of character, and he does feel bad about it - both for betraying me and for being nasty. He is in better shape now than a few weeks ago, and this last time, I do believe was a temporary lapsus.

However. I am seriously thinkin about my next move. He must really show that he intends to keep me - not just me showing my affection more. He must stop being unfair. And things are, for now, moving in the right direction.

But. If it goes down hill again, I think we must split up. I haven't decided if I want to move out and leave him with the children, or if I should make him move out. Either way, it would be a very tough decision.

We have more sex than we've had for a while, (if you came here, you came through the Penis thread so I shouldn't be shy). And it's good. I am wary about kinky things, because it feels that he wants something I'm not, so I think I will just lie low, and see if I'm good enough as I am. For now that's the key for me. To be OK as I am.

I keep telling him that he is great as he is (sexually, but not moodwise, yet) but it's not easy. We are working on it though. It's been a bad period, but I still think we can come out of it in one piece.

Thanks again both of you.


QN