h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

For those of you wondering what happened to Affy, here is a quick summary of the first two puzzles, and a video production of how he made it past the maze. When he reached the rolling boulder, he stopped before continuing, sensing the ease of his situation. Sensing a possible trap, he looked through his spell book to find trap-disarming spells. Then the boulder began rolling. Affy noticed it while flipping through his book of spells, and would have been crushed had he not been at the TOSSIO spell (turns granite to fettucine).

At the snakes, Affy was pretty stumped. He actually went the wrong way first, but somehow survived the scorpions, magma, razor blades, pies, and computer errors. So, when he managed to fight his way back, he chose the correct direction.

And now, for your viewing pleasure, how Affy passed the third and final test.



*Two eyes are moving through a perfectly black screen. Something green and glowin falls out of his shoe. He looks at it, and prays thanks for remembering to instal "Insta-Swipe" in his boots for this trip. He picks up the Illumynite from the "Adventure to Zork" forum, holds it up to his eyes to look through it, and turns on the radio of his watch. The Illumynite glows and gives him the night vision he needs to get through the maze. He exits just in time to see where GL went, and follows, experiencing much of the same stomach jerking that GL went through.*


*Affy walks up behind GL, tapping him on the shoulder. GL jumps about a foot and turns around, to see a very exhausted Affy*

You'll never guess what I just went through, GL.

[Ketsar] }Hey, Affy. Tell us the joke about the mathematicians.{

[Affy stares blankly at him]

[Poxlu] {The one that ends with the mathamatician saying that the room is empty. Or something like that.}

~Onstage, Irving has been strapped to a large stone disk, rather like a gigantic Coin which is balanced on it's edge. He is facing out, but that does him little good, seeing as his eyes have been blindfolded. The chant of the crowd becomes increasingly rhytmic, and Irv's breathing has fallen into time with it. Onlookers can tell because Irv has been half starved, and his visible rib-cage is rising and falling fairly obviously. A native is sitting at the organ that GL discovered earlier, and begins playing "Inna-Gadda-Da-Vita". Fortunately, this is cut short because there are no drums for the solo. Instead, the organist goes into Mozarts "Requiem". In case you're wondering, this is just the opening act...~

*Chanting, painfully, as though willed by an outside force*

Inna Gadda Da Vitta, honey, don't you know that I'm loving you
Inna Gadda Da Vitta, honey, don't you know that I'll always be true
Oh won't you come with me-e-e, and take my ha-a-and
Oh won't you come with me-e-e, and walk this la-a-ah-aaaaaaand
Pleeeeese take my haaaaaa-aaaa-aaaand

[The twins, forgetting Affy for a moment, stare at this spectacle]

Affy! You must stop doing that

All the same, I sure am glad to see you. At least with the 4 of us we have a better chance that when there were only 3 of us. We need to save Irv somehow, but I can't see how just yet. He doesn't seem to be in mortal danger just now, so perhaps we have time to plane something. Hey, Affy - do you remember the chandelier and rope from 'Plundered Hearts'? Well, this kinda reminds me of that. Think we could use it somehow? And maybe the twins could create a diversion of some sort when we need it.

You know, I am THIS CLOSE to having you two captured and tortured, just for entertainment! I swear, every time I try to kill Irving, someone connected with CLI turns up and saves his blue butt!





The language of that first aside was extreamly out of character, wasn't it?

Probably.


[Ketsar] }Er ... there's eight of us, counting our Pokémon.{

[Poxlu] {Seven. That Murkrow's more than likely to turn on us!!}

[Mew] Mew! Mew mew mewmew mew.

[Pikachu] [in Pika subtitled] Five. I don't count, either.

[Murkrow] Nevermore!

[Scyther] [in Skyth subtitled] Better make it four.

*Affy surveys the scene. Catches on to what GL means about "Plundered Hearts", and gauges the distance between the balcony and Irv's position on the stage, and where the pipe organ is located in all of this. He begins formulating a plan*

Okay, Ketsar and Pollux, we'll need some sort of diversion, that's for sure. Perhaps...okay, I've got the skeleton of a plan. Something's going to happen to Irv, and soon. This Pipe Organ could cause a distraction.

*He tinkers with a polka gun that was strapped to his belt*

Okay, I'm changing the method of polka-power that this thing uses. Instead of making someone dance to polka, it'll make them play polka if a musical instrument is nearby. Just keep a native near that pipe organ, and shoot it with this when we give the signal.

When the polka music starts, that'll hopefully divert enough attention from everyone for GL and I to use the chandelier to get to the stage. Then a battle will ensue, undoubtedly, but were any of us really not expecting that?

Anyway, that's my current plan. Anyone care to alter any of the details while we still have some time?

*Affy surveys the scene. Catches on to what GL means about "Plundered Hearts", and gauges the distance between the balcony and Irv's position on the stage, and where the pipe organ is located in all of this. He begins formulating a plan*

Okay, Ketsar and Pollux, we'll need some sort of diversion, that's for sure. Perhaps...okay, I've got the skeleton of a plan. Something's going to happen to Irv, and soon. This Pipe Organ could cause a distraction.

*He tinkers with a polka gun that was strapped to his belt*

Okay, I'm changing the method of polka-power that this thing uses. Instead of making someone dance to polka, it'll make them play polka if a musical instrument is nearby. Just keep a native near that pipe organ, and shoot it with this when we give the signal.

When the polka music starts, that'll hopefully divert enough attention from everyone for GL and I to use the chandelier to get to the stage. Then a battle will ensue, undoubtedly, but were any of us really not expecting that?

Anyway, that's my current plan. Anyone care to alter any of the details while we still have some time?

[Ketsar] }My idea is to fly straight in the opposite direction from you.{

[Poxlu] {The guards will head after us, wanting to know what the hell we're doing here and where we think we're going.}

~Onstage, the Priest comes out, wearing a ceremonial headress -- like the Masque's helmet, only white, with feathers all over. Irving is still chanting something, with a vacant look in his eyes. The priest takes a ceremonial dagger, and touches the tip to each of Irv's palms, which are facing outward (remeber he's strapped to a sort of wheel). Blood flows forth from them, but Irv doesn't seem to notice the pain. Though his skin is blue, Irv's blood is red. The Priest adresses the congragation. What he says is, luckily, subtitled, indicating that at least one of our heros understands the language.~

[Subtitles]
When the blood of this man's hands touches the ground below his feet, the god that walks like scarlet death shall rise from the ground and take him as a glorious sacrifice, a tribute of flesh from our humble people, the keepers of the his trees, the harvesters of his beans, the brewers of his coffee, those who walk in waking sleep due to caffine induced insomnia.

~The blood flows down the stone, and is about even with Irving's waist~

*Blood flows down the stone, and is now even with Irving's thigh*

The plan sounds fine, Affy. And either diversion would work fine, K and P. I think we should wait until their leader shows up to take Irv, then we pounce. That way, if we can deal with their leader guy, the rest of them won't want to fight any longer. As soon as he appears, start your diversion, K and P.

*The blood has reached down to Irv's ankles*

~The blood has reached his feet. In three posts the blood will be on the floor, and something exciting will happen~

(1)

The blood has reached the bottom of the wheel and has begun to follow the curve of the wheel towards the floor

(2)
[The twins wait.]

(3)

*The blood finishes following the curve of the wheel, and the streams from both palms touch the floor in the same spot at the same time, making a pool. At the same time, the lights flicker and go out*

~The natives begin to chant "Jih'a'h", over and over again. The lights in the cavern relight themselves, and in the centre of the stage is the one the natives call "Jih'a'h". He stands over six feet high, towering over the natives, all of whom are under five feet. His headdress adds to his stature by over a foot. It is a gigantic red skull, with black and white feathers sticking straight up from the back, creating something of a halo effect when he is looked at head on. He wears a black cape which flows down to the floor, and as he throws it back over his shoulders he reveals powerfull limbs and torso. He is well tanned (presumably by the fires of the underworld, rather than by the sun), and he wears leather sandels whose leather straps wrap around his claves up to his knees, and a tunic of the same, dark brown leather. In his left hand is a staff of iron, glowing red hot. In his right hand is a long, evil looking blade, also glowing. "Jih'a'h" holds them high over his head and adresses the congregation in a voice that is quite familiar to Affy and Garius~

[subtitles]
You have summoned me forth from the fires of my home, where the flames that are the souls of your ansesters dance about me and lick my flesh. You have summoned me here for the sacrifice that I demanded. Once I have devoured my prey with fire, I shall give to you, my faithfull servants, the power which I promised you of old.

~"Jih'a'h" turns around to face Irving. The blade and the staff glow brighter, and burst into flame~