h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Snort them up their noses with straws. The workers chase around the factory sucking up clocks into their nasal passages while the Overlord of time looked down from a scaffold, patting his thigh with a riding-crop and demanding....

...time and a half for the extra work he was involved in now he had been transferred to a cookoo clock factory in Switzerland where ravens had started picking the eyes out of the baby cookoos waiting on the cookoo clock assemby line cheeping a tale about...

pride and predjiduce, of the bold and the beautiful, of...

..of cabbages and kings!!!"

Somewhere else, The Spice Girls were being tortured by...

a constantly re-spooling tape of *Sonny and Cher* singing *Gypsies,Tramps and Thieves* ,recorded 60 feet under the Atlantic Ocean which.......

sounded a whole lot snazzier than the last Spice Girls record. The Overlord was peering up Ginger's skirt with his monocle gripped tightly by his brow, drooling onto the electric circut immediately beneath him, which caused...

A shortcircuit.......FLASHARGHHHHHHHH!!!!!! *Ginger jumps up in alarm...a suspicious thread of flame licking out of a very delicate area* ""What the..................*she screamed*

"Where'd this bloody monocled maniac barbeque come from? Everyone knows I'm a vegetarian!"

The evil Overlord was now the evil Overlard, a great heap of fat-dripping meat, char-broiled to perfection. The gerbils (everyone remember the gerbils? They're still running around loose) took this as an invitation to a meal, grossing Ginger out to no end, and causing great jubilation among the clock-factory workers, who were there not of their own free will.

A guy with a set of pipes, a guy with a white suit and a funny scarf, a black with long dreadlocks, and a small entourage passed by, asking Ginger, "Pardon me, have you seen my sonic spanner?"

"Bugger the spanner, where's my stilton?", the guy with the pipes asked.

"I could do with a good bit of stilton.", the black guy with the dreads agreed.

Ginger looked at the guy with the pipes and said....

Could you please blow those things this way and extinguish this small fire I have in my nether regions! I'm supposed to be Ginger Spice...not Hot Spice....though some might consider me every bit as good as a large tablespoon of cayenne sprinkled over.....

a nice, well-done cat. They're a delicacy in China, y'know."

"They eat CATS?", the cat following Lister around asked.

"Hey, that cat can talk!", said Ginger.

"More than you'd care to know.", Lister said.

"Here now, you want me to blow my pipes you'd better have some stilton!", the piper interjected, watching Ginger's nether regions smoulder with fascination.

"I'll give you stilton! I'll give you colby! Just put me out!", Ginger exclaimed.

"Well, I'm off!", the Doctor exclaimed, "I can't wait around here to see about cheese and cats! Even cats covered with cayenne! I've got to find my sonic spanner! If I don't...

...they're going to turn my series into a mini-movie which stars a very good version of me, but have everything else redone to pander for the US market who don't really want that because they prefer the British version anyway!

Meanwhile, Secret Squirrel and Captain Kirk are...

making mad love in the janitor's room in the rear of the building.

"Oooh'th! Kirk'th!"

"Oh! Secret! Squirrel! The... earth... is... moving!"

Just at that moment Gilligan pops in, takes one look at Secret Squirrel and Captain Kirk, and says....

"But Kirk! I thought we had something *special*!"

Kirk, not ceasing the matter at hand, says breathlessly "I *said*... it....was *over*."

Gilligan's face darkened with guilt and pain. "But what about the times when..."

I brought the whole Enterprise crew samples of Mary-Ann's coconut creame pie? What about that? Huh? Does that mean NOTHING to you?"

"You... were... just... cheating... on... that... fat... guy... you... lived... with. Our... affair... never... called... for... commitment!"

"You mean the skipper?"

"I'm... the... skipper!", Kirk breathed.

"No you're not! And you've been screwing around with MY little buddy!", the skipper said, appearing in a cloud of fairy-dust.

"Glad that's over with.", muttered Tinkerbelle, "That fat son-of-a-bitch was HEAVY!"

"SKIPPER!", Gilligan screamed like a little girl...

"Captainslogstardate.. 4! 9! 612.... Wehave... BEAMED! DOWN!... onaverystrangeplaneta HUGE MAN wearingfairywings has.... APPEARED andhasembracedmyone TRUE FRIEND! Imust DO...... something."

Kirk grabs a Vulcan fighting tool. "Oh no," moans Secret Squirrel. "Another arena fight."

The Skipper hits Gilligan affectionately over the head with his hat as he turns and faces Kirk. He lunges yelling out his battle cry...

Bagsy we play *Double Dutch*..I'm much better with 2 ropes then one .......

Kirk replies with a perfectly awful rendition of "Lucy In The Sky with Diamonds".

The Skipper is down!!! He writhes in agony!!! His fairy wings fall off!!!

Kirk, seizing the opportunity, begins to sing a medely of Byrds hits, starting with "Mr Tamborine Man".

Meanwhile, watching on...

the whales who had taken Wales were wondering why they had even bothered. Obviously the thing to have done would have been to nuke the entire human race, rather than expending the effort to try to reform them under a benign whale-ocracy.

"Skeee-ooooooOOOOOooooh!", said one huge grey whale.

"Skeee-EEEEeeee-oooo-OOOOO-skeeeeeeEEE!", replied a humpback.

"What are those whales doing here?", Gilligan questioned no-one in particular.

"I think they're music critics.", replied Sekret Squirrel.

"Music critics? I thought they died out with Lester Bangs.", Gilligan replied.

"Lester Bangs? You like Lester Bangs?", Sekret queried.

"Why, sure! What other music critic has played typewriter with J. Geils?", Gilligan intoned nonchalantly. He was becoming interested in this Sekret Squirrel fellow...

Meanwhile, the Captain and the Skipper were locked like sumo wrestlers, each striving to move the bulk of the other- each sure of his supreme right to command.

Ginger Spice, who was hanging out with the whales (they didn't know she was planning on stealing their licks for her next album) observed to the Doctor's Companions- who had hung about just in case the lost sonic spanner was eventually found to be up Ginger's skirt, "Look at those old geeks! Bloody disgusting the show of testosterone at that age!"

Which prompted an immediate invasion of the factory by the Grey Panthers, who wanted to know just WHAT was wrong with being an old lech anyway?

Meanwhile, Gilligan and Sekret were heard whispering....

...about their preference for...