h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

...the song "Layla" was actually stolen as well, apparently written by not Eric Clapton, but Van Gogh after he realised that cutting off his ear was stupid and he should have just written a song in the first place.

But more importantly, uncovered recently, a note written by Louis the XXI to...

...Rasputin that occured through a bizzare time travel experiment involving a small battery hen, a handsaw, five Welshmen all called Harry and half a cup of custard. The note reads:

...it was a dark and stormy night in when the wales invaded Wales

...some time later,,, It was a dark and stormy night when the wales invaded Wales. The wind was carrying the wails of welsh men's wifes cries out to sea where the No 1 whale burbled ...

Whale 1: Isn't that Hugh Grant?
Whale 2: Who's Hugh Grant?
Whale1: Oh, you're right, this is a long time ago. Well then, who is he?
Whale 2: He looks a bit like...

....that bloke off *Starsky & Hutch*.....the one who had a very suspect hairstyle and always.....

...jumped over roof tops while chasing evil people in polyester while wakka wakka wakka music played overhead.

Whale 1: Yeah. That's him.
Whale 2: Looks nothing like Hugh Grant if you ask me.

While this scintillating repartee continued, Columbia and Ming the Merciless...

...repaired to the shelter of a convenient fishermans hut which.....

...doubled as the local headquarters for S.P.E.C.T.R.E., which was being staked out by Napoleon Solo and The Saint, in a bizzare secret agent crossover which occured because...

Napoleon Solo's pants were too tight, and bound him, er... in THAT part of the anatomy. The Saint, being from an older series, had very loose trousers, which allowed him to do all those cool judo kicks that 60's secret agents are world-renowned for. He took a sip of vodka, spat it out onto the floor and proclaimed...

"Hey! This isn't vodka, it's that blasted hair dye! Yuk!" suddenly, the secret ingredient in the hair dye starts to work, and...

...he finds himself wearing fishnet stockings, suspenders, black leather knickers and a string vest.

"Blimey," exclaims The Saint.
"How do YOU do?..." purrs Frankenfurter.

But this all was stopped suddenly when in through the door bursts...

Batman...and his side-kick Robin!"Hi,everyone,so pleased to see that
you all enjoy dressing bizzarly.....I was worried that I'd be the only one showing off my fetching underwear...Robin is on his day off,so he's wearing.....

a smart little cocktail dress with a matching bag! Robin smiles convivially and asks the Saint for a dance.

The Saint, being somewhat straight-laced, and not at all amused by the effects of the hair-dye, looks Robin in the eye and says...

I'm sorry...I don't dance...but I will,however.....

...try and sell you these marvellous Amway products. By the way are you interested in pyramid marketing? I can see you are a man that knows what he wants. How about I....

invite you to sit right here on the pointy part of this pyramid? Comfy? Can you feel the energy just SURGING through you? Yes, what? Now take a good healthy slug of this amway juice! Yes, that's right, swallow it right down! There's a good boy!"

Batman, somewhat put-off by being left out of the festivities, looks the Saint in the eye and said, "I have a cute little cocktail dress at home too. I think I deserve a good reaming by a pyramid as well."

"Sorry old boy!", the Saint replied, "Fresh out of pyramids, BUT...

"I do have one of these." he said as he reached behind the mini-bar to produce a strangely familiar didgeridoo.

"This perticular item has some perculiar mystical properties, the main stay of which is....

it was used not just by Dali, not just by Bach and his 80 children, but also by Richard Nixon during their first bouts with....

"Einstein's brain. It nearly took over the world and left the republicans in a lurch right after his first term in office. In fact, they didn't recover until Ronald Regan's wife boinked Frank Sinatra in the blue room of the white house, on advice of her personal astrologer. But that's neither here nor there- or is it here and there? At any rate, take this little blue pill, it's guaranteed to...