h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

...adopting all your 20 (at last count) children and suing you for parental neglect.

But, wails Mick......

...you see I've made a deal with satan, my mum, and the New Zealand cricket team. I must sing this song in any pulic arena or my soul will go to...

Another hologram on Lister's ship! Can you imagine the pain of being a hologram, and not ever being able to make whoopie, or eat, or anything but wander around with lister and jabber? That would drive anyone mad!", Mick explained.

"As long as Lister's computer has Windows installed, it can't be that bad.", quoth Gates, as he whistles for his team of crack lawyers.

"Windows?", Lister exclaims, "What the bloody hell do you want, you bloody terrorist? It's not enough that I'm lost in space a gazillion miles from anywhere, you want me to have a computer that crashes every time I sneeze too?"

"Pssst!", says the Doctor, "Have a copy of linux, Lister!"

The doctor hands Lister a CD with a funny-looking penguin on it, just as Bill Gates....

..is transported via a space/time vortex to the French Revolution, where they immediately beheaded him, the French smelling U.S. royalty a mile away. "We would have done it to JFK jnr too," leered Jean-Luc Latrine, head of the lynch mob "if only he hadn't done it to himself first.

In the interests of good taste and universal standards, the Doctor grabs Jean-Luc and....

explains to him the benefits of prozac.

"And by blocking the depressing chemicals, you're continually happy. Don't you want that?"

Jean-Luc frowns as he thinks about it, but before he can say "Off with his head, too!" something terrible happens...

...gets thrown into a field full of ferocious stallions stampeding towards Bill's open coded gateway to computer nirvana. Born In The USA is drowned out by the chorus of horses singing Born Free. In a distant tree a monkey plays with....

A little out of order there. But what the heck, anarchy rules OK

That's alright, because...er...all of the aforementiond stuff was actually just a dream! That's right, a dream that was formulated in the peaceful sleep of one...

...unlucky princess who kissed Kermit the frog and was turned into a pig just as the price of bacon....

plummeted due to the unfortunate occurance of a world-wide epidemic of swine fever.....which seems to have also affected....

the beef-bacon strips in all the supermarkets world-wide! Now, as the breakfast eaters of the world wring their hands in anguish- sure they'll be forced to eat things like kippers, kidneys, and other stuff which begin with the letter "k"...

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My I'm getting hungry here! It simply WON'T DO to have a hungry narrator, now will it? You'll miss out on things! So I'm straight off to fix a plate of pancakes and bacon as soon as I'm through with this passage! **********************************************************************

...unaware that on the underside of things, the great OZ has decided to take a hand in matters. He takes up a trinket from his mysterious chest and...

...is amazed at the build up of lint in his belly-button. Never mind he thinks, I can always....

...sell it as tantric karma lint at one of those hippy-style community markets. and he was about to pull out his lint and do just that when...

The Tin Man shows up and gets his lint all squishy and wet crying because he doesn't have a heart. The mighty OZ slaps him around a bit with a cat-o-nine made of the purest vermicelli, and screams...

Because his speech was interrupted by a party political broadcast from the Revenge Is Sweet party

We interrupt this fine forum to make an announcement.

Solemn music.

I have been made redundant!!! That's the good news.

The even better news is by reading my redundancy yarn their is a
chance (I am not making this up) of being rewarded with free
alcohol.

The article is just above the good house keeping advice on killing
cockroaches. I felt it was appropriate.

Last one there is a rotton carrot.

There was a minutes silence, in respect to the fallen (and the sozzled), and so that everyone could go and read the tale. All were saddened and came out of a little wizer having read it.

In the most severe case of retribution known to the planet a lynch mob was formed, the building in question was surrounded and...

thousands of gerbils were shot out of butt-cannons into the building. The persons inside were overcome with the fumes from the smelly gerbils who ran around a proceeded to...

...turn every clock back 10 minutes. "The fiends", thought the panicking workers, "This can only mean one thing! It means...

Shiver with an-tici.......................................PAtion as the saw...

Salvador Dali clocks which seem to have migrated from another story come slopping and slurping slowly down the side of the building! L & PP,with great authority,commands his band of loyal followers to.....