h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[MaW] Of course there are, but you won't notice until you taste the drinks. They remove the alcohol from the beverages they serve to underage customers.

[YK] Then what the hell's the point of drinking 'em? Here, just gimme ...

[MaW] It's all so that the management can make more money, of course. Now, do you want to do some shopping or shall we sit here and drink all day?

[YK] [drinks ] Well let me finish the first.

Jade: *sits sipping her frappe and giggling at the menfolk*

Thras: *licks some foam off the end of his snout with a snakelike tongue* So, erm, what're we gonna buy, Jade?

Jade: I dun't know. Probably something large and extravagant.

Thras: Like...?

Jade: Oh, I dun't know. But I have about 10,000 republic credits burning a jolly hole in my wallet.

Thras: Yow. *looks up at hte people at the table next to them. A large Green homanoid in a leather jacket embriodered with the words "Hell's Angels" (But the "angels" bit is crossed out and "wild mangy demons from the darkest deepest bowels" has been written above it. He is looking at Jade menacingly. He stands and walks over to her.* *Thrasymachus now mutters an extremely naughty curse word that means something like fornication.*

Jade: *smiles pleasantly* Hello, yes?

Green humanoid: 10,000 credits, huh?

Jade: Erm, yes.

Gh: What would you say if I said I was going to rob you blind?

Jade: *sips the last of her frappe and stands up from her chair. She draws hout her liahgsaber in one fluid motion, flicking the on switch. It blazes forth in all it's pale rose-quartz-esqe glory. She flicks the handle, cooly cutting the humanoid's belt. His trousers fall to the floor, revealing... well... Okay, he wasn't wearing underpants. Let's just say that, kay?* Not a damn thing. Now will you please let us alone? We were having a very serious conversation.

Gh: *his lower lips begins to tremble as he pulls back up his trousers and heads for the gents.*

Jade: *She flicks her lightsaber off, clips it back to her belt and sits back down and grins nymphishly at MaW, YK, and all the patrons of the coffee shop who are staring at her in either wonder or fear. She can't readily tell, and she really doesn't care. her expression illustrates this fact.* So! What were we speaking of then? I've gone and forgotten.

Thras: *laughing quietly into his coffee*

[YK] Random blather. I can deal with people more effectively --

[A drunken souse pounds on YK's back]

[Drunken Souse] Ooga booga! Ooga booga!

[He then realizes how stupid this sounds and lumbers off.]

[YK] As I was saying ...

[A man taps YK on the shoulder]

[Man] He doesn't like you.

[YK] I guessed that.

[Man] /I/ don't like you either.

[YK] That's self-evident by extension.

[Man] You'd better watch yourself. We're wanted men. /I/ have the death sentence on twelve systems!

[YK] Pardon my French, but who gives a s**t?

[YK turns back to his . The man goes berserk and tries to backhand YK across the room, except that he suddenly doesn't have a hand, or indeed his entire arm. YK disarms his lightsaber and sits back down.]

[YK] Your turn, MaW.

* MaW mutters something about villians stealing their dialogue from "Star Wars" Episode IV, and sips his drink, but then receives his own tap on the shoulder. He turns around. The owner of the finger that tapped on his shoulder is an eight-foot-tall, brutish humanoid who looks like he's made out of carbon fibre treetrunks. *

[MaW] What do you want?

[Brutish Humanoid] That's my favourite table. You and your puny friends are going to get up and find another one.

[MaW] Whatever gave you that idea?

[Brutish Humanoid] Because if you don't move before I lose my patience, you're going to spend the rest of your life trying to put your insides back in.

* he produces a large, sharp knife with lots of curved and pointy bits on it. The light glitters menacingly off the slightly bloodstained edge *

[MaW] You should clean your knife after you've used it. Blood will rust the blade. Why don't you go and do that? By the time you come back, we'll probably have finished anyway.

[Brutish Humanoid] No! You will move now.

[MaW] Did anyone ever tell you about the concept of patience?

* the brutish humanoid raises his knife and stabs it downwards, very, very hard. MaW doesn't move. Just before the blade touches, it stops dead. The brutish humanoid is very surprised, and MaW plucks the blade out of his hand, then throws it upwards. It vapourises. *

[MaW] Now, perhaps you'd care to find another table? No? Oh, dear. I'll have to find one for you.

* he stands up, places a hand on the brutish humanoid's chest and pushes. There is a flash of blue light, and the brutish humanoid is gone. MaW sits down again *

[MaW] Now can we get on with the shopping?

[YK] [finishes and gets up] Great idea.

[MaW] I want to look at the footwear department. It's on the fifty-sixth floor, at the back.

[YK] Cool. Let's check it out. [heads toward the elevators]

Jade: Yay! Shoes! *skips off behind the menfolk*

[MaW] Indeed. Here's the elevator.

* they go inside it. The door shuts. *

[Elevator] Good day. I trust you have spent it spreading misery and unhappiness?

[MaW] No, actually. Well, not most of it.

[Elevator] *disappointed* Oh. Ah well. You'll learn. Which floor would you like?

[MaW] The footwear department please.

[Elevator] Right away!

* the doors open onto the footwear department a few moments later *

[MaW] That's cheating!

[Elevator] How else did you think we were going to do it?

This post has been removed.

[YK] You know, isn't it frustrating that when moderators remove a post, they give no clue as to /why/ and what was in the post? ... And what did you mean when you said that was cheating?

[MaW] The elevator cheated! There's no way it could cover that much distance in that time by any natural means. I guess all the spells around it should have forewarned me.

(as for the Moderators, I believe the Towers are working on a better system, but it'll be a while in the making because it's so good)

[YK] Whatever. So ... shoe shops?

* points at the vast selection of Evil footwear arrayed before them *

[MaW] What kind shall we look at first? I need some loafers.

[YK] Come to think of it, me too. [heads for the shoe shop]

* the loafers section, when they reach it, consists of a large number of shoes - in all, over ten thousand different styles and colours are represented. There are signs all over saying "If you can't find what you want, please ask a member of staff. If we don't have it, we can order it. If we can't order it, we can make it. Should you find a style you like but be unable to find a satisfactory colour, please take your selection to a colour desk where we will alter the colour and/or finish free of charge. All our shoes are auto-sizing designs which will fit just under 100% of all beings with feet, provided you choose a style suitable for your species." *

[MaW] This may take some time...

* he goes looking for some suitable loafers *

[YK] Ooh, that pair looks nice ... Yep. This looks cool. What's the price tag?