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P-Pour Management

There is a pressing problem facing New Zealand's males. It is a case of men peeing badly. And please do not laugh, this is urgent.

Men, it seems, are suffering from "stage fright" when they front up to the country's urinals. The problem is so acute, apparently, that some sufferers plan a meeting to discuss it. While they can't "perform", as it were, alongside other men they are, according to one psychologist, happy to talk to others about it. One suggestion to ease the pressure is for people suffering from PPM (p**s poor management) to practice at urinals where there are likely to be fewer people and gradually building up to busier toilets.

Men, of course, are always childishly concerned about their vital statistics in the appendage department but feelings of penile inadequacy while standing at the urinal next to a superstud is, somewhat surprisingly, not the cause of what is known to urologists as paruresis and its recipients as "shy bladder syndrome". According to experts who have made careers out of studying the complaint, the major cause is psychological, so it's all in the mind.

And just to ram home the point that it is not funny, it is estimated that 250,000 Kiwi blokes suffer from it. This may be the proverbial drop in the bucket compared to 17 million Americans, but even so it's still a lot of suffering.

While the world watches a Russian space station crash into the ocean somewhere near New Zealand on Friday, it's a fair bet more than a few Kiwi males will be busting to prove they can make a few public splashes of their own.

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Latest reply: Mar 22, 2001

Back on Tuesday

A short note for any visitors.

I will be away for the next five days. One of the delegates for the Napier Cosmopolitan Club, I will be attending the New Zealand Chartered Club's national conference being held in Rotorua, NZ.

Situated on an active volcanic plateau, Rotorua is one of NZ's leading tourist spots. Geysers, bubbling hot mud pools etc.

Alas, I doubt if I will be visiting any of the scenic delights as I will be busy making sure I don't miss any of the associated indoor social events.

World-class food and boose, top-notch accommodation and all coupled with splendid company for the best part of a week, it's a tough life but someone has to do it.

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Latest reply: Mar 15, 2001

BBC non-commercial - yeah right

The World Service is obviously a good little earner for the allegedly non-commercial BBC going by the tone of this TV New Zealand news release

TVNZ Biffs BBC World Service Overnight
07/03/2001 08:51 AM

TVNZ has decided to stop screening the BBC World service overnight.

Channel One General Manager Shaun Brown says Television New Zealand will instead spend the money on more local programming to bring them in line with their upcoming charter.

He says New Zealanders will still get to see some BBC news during TV One news programmes.

Mr Brown says the BBC is still being shown in Wellington on TelstraSaturn, and will soon be available throughout the country on their joint digital service.

He says overnight programming on TV ONE will change on the 18th of March when their current contract with the BBC expires.

Shaun Brown says TVNZ took over the BBC contract from its regional service Horizon Pacific when the service was discontinued.

He says very few people watch the BBC overnight anyway, and now TV One will show local repeats, overseas programmes and infomercials in the time slot.

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Latest reply: Mar 7, 2001

On a bright sunny day in March...

...the BBC opened her doors to the great unwashed and we rejoiced...

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Latest reply: Mar 4, 2001


Regular readers of my postings on h2g2 will notice that I have been cleverly rebranded. This is the result of a series of exciting trips to one of New Zealand's buzzy new consultancies. You may have read how creative British hothouse Dragon came up with Consignia, the new name for the Post Office. And you will be well aware of the huge success of Accenture, the innovative new brand name for those intellectual giants at Andersen Consulting. Well, after six months intensive consultancy and $14 million in fees, I am proud to say that I too have been given a whole new image.

And not only is it new but it is also old because the change to LÒÒnytunes succeeds in moving the image of my home page forward into the 21st century, while simultaneously taking its style cues from the heritage of last century's Løønytünes»». It is both new and old, modern and yet classic. Indeed, so impressed was I with the world of brand consultancy that I took advantage of my time at my company's swish offices in Auckland to get some advice about how to go about setting up in the business - just in case any of you are thinking of getting into it. It's tough work but the rewards are great. Here are the eight crucial steps that you will need to become a brand consultant:

1/ Adopt faux-Left views on everything. Eat couscous from time to time, Talk green.

2/ Start wearing pared-down "urban wear": combat trousers, zip-front climbing tops and high-performance sports shoes.

3/ Recruit between 10 and 15 like-minded twentysomething "bright" young ex-polytechnic students with "creative" instincts. (Ideally, they should have studied" textiles, graphic design or media and business. They will be ideas-driven individuals who are natural team-players with results-focused skills and a keen grasp of business-to-business client-orientated implementation.)

4/ Bulk buy Buddy Holly-style glasses and issue them as standard to all your new staff.

5/ Open minimalist offices in London and New York. Get them properly feng-shui-ed.

6/ Shave your head.

7/ Ask your staff to take a few seconds to invent some nonsensical words ("brainstorm") so that you have them ready to use.

8/ Now ring up some big firms and invite them to give you a lot of money

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Latest reply: Jan 23, 2001

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