h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Morning Jack. I'm going to go food shopping soon, I think I will be getting lots of comfort food.

Mac, you'll need so much comfort food that you'll end up looking like Pavarotti.

If it gets me through the season, it'll be worth it.

You'd still be in good enough shape to get a game at CB though.

And any other position.

Let's just go to the Emirates with our boots, mac. We'll walk into the team. I might be 47 but I never played on a team that conceded eight before in my life so I'd obviously be an improvement on Traore, for instance.

And as for that debutant who never touched the ball as far as I know I'm sure we could both do better than him if we played blindfolded.

I'll be back in an hour.

An hour? Good timing, Mac.

I was on a tea break that turned into an epic, mostly because the United fans were telling the lone City fan in the office that his team were going to win nothing this year.

As a City fan he's not giving to making rash predictions. He expects disaster more than glory. And he doesn't really want to hear positive stuff about City in case it jinxes them. So he didn't want me telling him that the only difference between United and City is that City have a good keeper while United have a bloke who makes Almunia look like Gordoan Banks. But I told him anyway. Because it's true.

We're in advanced talks with Mertesacker apparently.

I get all jittery when I hear stuff like that. If I heard that we'd actually signed him I'd be thrilled but hearing that we've nearly signed him raises the prospect that we won't and then we'd end up playing the rest of the season without an adequate partner for Vermaelen.

You see Jack, if we had that money there's no way we'd be that negative.

I think it's more Man Utd fans don't want to believe Citeh might win something, again this season.

Me too, in truth. Having said that, it is possible they might not qualify in their Champions League group.

Speaking of which, I like our tactic of bidding a huge amount for Borussia Dortumund's best player, real nefarious stuff there.

Have I missed something, Mac?

Who are we trying to prise away from Dortmund?

Mario Gotze, apparently. With the accents above the second o, that is.

Extremely talented playmaker and he is 19. I just can't believe we'd ever bid 35m euros for anybody.

Oh right, I assumed that was just paper talk. Did we really bid that much?? I mean...really? We are Arsenal after all.

It might well be, maybe Wenger fell asleep and accidentally pressed 35 on the keyboard.

Maybe he meant to press the 35 but accidentally put M after it.

Face it, Mac, it's far more likely that we would bid 35 euro for a player than 35 million.

True Jack, true. I can't see why we have such problems signing players.

Me neither Mac. And I don't know why players prefer playing for Manchester City or Chelsea instead of Arsenal when the only difference is a trifling 90 grand per week.

Trifling is right Jack, I mean really, what can you do with an extra 90k a week?

Nothing, Mac.

It's pointless.

If you dropped 90 grand you'd hardly bother picking it up.

Anyway, time for some chicken.

It's like pennies.

Enjoy the chicken Jack.