I.D. Badges

To the novice, the I.D. Badge might seem a quick and convenient device for conveying identifying information to all observers for the purposes of avoiding a lengthy and repeated dialogue with complete strangers. This, of course, would be completely wrong. The real purpose of the I.D. Badge is to ensure that the observer is fully aware that the bearer of the badge is a person of such significance to the proceedings that they are required to wear it. In other words, a labour saving device for establishing superiority in the social heirarchy.

A good I.D. Badge will gently intimidate and confuse observers, allowing the information contained therein to be entirely coincidental. In fact, the more crytic and technical the information displayed, the higher the social caste the wearer can assume. Examples include reversal of names, the addition of superflous numbers, the use of gold and silver and most impressively a snazzy hologram.

A practised I.D. Badge bearer will consider the prominance of the display position, much in the way of an exotic bird display its plummage in those all important mating contests.

If the badge is contained in a cheap plastic wallet and clipped haphazardly to a trouser pocket or shirt lapel, then the bearer is probably a visitor. Observers will instantly know to stop conversations in the canteen, cover sensitive materials on their desk and jump the queue for the fire exit should a blazing inferno occur.

If the badge is incorporated into items of clothing then the bearer is probably a shop assistant or mechanic. They can then overcharge, misdirect or just totally ignore the non badge bearing community with impunity.

If the badge appears to have been knocked up with a black marker on yellow card and has some jolly embellishment, such as a smiley face, then the bearer is probably a volunteer on a crusade for other, usually unwilling, volunteers. Observers can recognise the danger signs and suddenly veer off down disused corridors, pretend to answer the phone even though it didn't ring, or in the most extreme of cases feign a heart attack as the bearer approaches.

If the badge is printed on plastic, with a photograph and hangs on what appears to be a bath plug chain around the neck, the bearer is probably an engineer or scientist. This type of bearer tends to be found in corriders manically swiping the badge past handles in an extravagent display of their access privelages. Observers will know without due delay, that all requests to the bearer will lead to a bewildering, bulleted and prioritised list of counter arguements, fifteen conflicting recommendations of how to overcome these arguements, and finally the engineer or scientist doing what he damn well wanted to in the first place.

Recently the art of I.D Badges has been refined a stage further. The new improved model, known as the business card, allows the donor to assert his superiority remotely and at all times, no longer even requiring their presence.

Ironically, the ultimate goal of I.D. Badge bearers is to become so famously important as to negate the need to wear one at all.

Equipped with the above knowledge it is easy to manufacture your own first I.D. Badge. Simply find a suitable shaped peice of card. Cereal packets are a readily available source. The bigger the badge the better. In fact, don't bother cutting out a square of cardboard, simply unfold the whole cereal packet. Ascribe your name in bold black letters, complete with number and cryptic symbols. You may even wish to attach an inspired and endearing nickname for the personal touch.

eg Brown, Davy ( YOUR BOSS ) 0184@62857300#9282

In order acheive greatest prominance, staple the result to your forehead. This has the added advantage of marking you out as a potential lunatic, leading to a reduced chance of people arguing with your decisions. Now you can begin climbing the social ladder to riches and success.


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Al 2000

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