Mobile Phones are a revolution in Communication, giving people almost ubiquitous access to anywhere in the world. There are, however, several drawbacks to the system.

- A Danger of slowly microwaving the brain (at least that’s the rumor). Sufferers can be spotted by the slightly melted look on one side of the face.

- Added stress from worrying about the danger of microwaving the brain leads to increased rates of heart attack and ulcers.

- Increased chance of being physically attacked in a cinema after interrupting the climatic point of the film.

- Increased chance of being thrown from a moving train after repeatedly shouting, "Hang on, I'm about to go into a tunnel".

- Increased chance of crashing the car, trying to wrestle the thing from the glove compartment while negotiating the one way system on the high street.

- Spontaneous bursts of overstimulation, usually accompanied by mysterious vibrations emanating from trouser pockets.

- Higher occurrence of detention due to numerous interruptions of 1st year English by worried parents checking that their offspring is still alive and not been kidnapped.

All is not bad, however. Some significant breakthroughs have been made as a direct result of Mobile Phone Industry.

- Great Strides forward have been made in the techniques of adding more and more functionality to one button. Soon we should all have one big button that controls just about anything imaginable.

- A whole new field of composing has exploded onto the art scene. That of condensing an entire opera or sympathy down into a 5 second burst using only 3 electronic tones.

- A new designer range of accessories. Everything from over the shoulder straps to colour co-ordinated clip ons from the latest Parisian fashion houses. It's even rumored that there is a coming range of furry dice to hang from the aerial, for all those Ford Capri owners.

Finally it has spawned an entirely new discipline in the mathematics world. The awesomely complex field of Mobile Phone Tarrifs. This is an endlessly changing array of ingeniously obscured rates with an entire supporting workforce of willing advisors, ready to explain them in all their glory anytime you have a couple of hours to spare.

Perhaps you would like to pay a 50p a minute for national calls but have 20 minutes of free local calls a day.

Maybe a flat rate of 5p a minute regardless of the time, would suit you better.

What about 20p a minute for on peak times, except for Wednesdays and the third of any month.

Maybe you want to pay 12p a minute to anyone whose name contains an S, but free to any house in your street.

Not even Deep thought could figure out the cheapest rate on this one.