h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Yay! I'm in the Church of the True Weevil at last. All my dreams have come true.

(except for that one about the twin teenage redheads and the bicycle)

yay
happy

yay
happy

Twin teenage redheads and a bicycle, huh Peregrin? I'll see what I can do......

Sorry about that dream the other night Kensington. I think I had had a little too much of something, that dream was actually meant for someone else. Good thing that, as a weevil, you couldn't understand the evil intent. I am open to requests, but I make no guarantees......

I've ordered a set of extremely small sofas for my weevil patients to lie on. It puts them at ease.

My first patient is a poor weevil who seems to have lost the desire to attack things with his slavering fangs... I need to instill some anger into him.

Oh dear, a failure to read the small print is evident here. Weevils do not attack. They just want to be friendly and to help you if they can. The slavering fangs are purely for dismantling digestive biscuits soaked in corn syrup. If you don't believe me ask Kensington. I fear that any attempt to create aggressive weevils would be received about as favourably as a porcupine in a nudist colony. I once made the mistake of suggesting that the CoTTW should take a strong line on unbelievers, but even this was considered a bit too violent and I was gently rebuked. Why, even Zonkers Iranian Bazooka Weevils are merely mischievous - they would never actually harm anything.

Oh don't worry - I'd never encourage a weevil to be aggressive towards anything other than corn syrup and the odd digestive biscuit. This particular weevil is so nervous that he cannot bring himself to touch a biscuit with his fangs.

Most of my other patients are kind and helpful weevils who are worried that they're not helping people enough. It's just a matter of gently reassuring them.

Poor little weevil - I hope that he(she) is soon back to full digestive biscuit slavering mental health, and the world of weevildom grateful to you for your condign intervention in this tragic case.

God I love this forum - you are all totally wonderful/insane (either/or)

Twin redheads? The Proclaimers?

Today I've been making some stress relief items for weevils. I've got some tiny chinese worry balls (well, a couple of grains of sand), some minature bubble wrap, and a very small bouncy castle.

helo evryon i hop that weevil gets beter sson becaus digstiv biskits ar very good and tasti
weevils need biskits for partis to
helo frizy i dont think ther ar any chars her sory

Hmm, I think I might try some of those ideas with Kensington. Perhaps it will help with his relentless pinging every time he gets excited. Or nervous... or happy... or hungry...

5:00am... must...sleep...

but nick i lik pinging its fun

pinging? As in...

...PING...

pinging as in wee kensington jumping up and down.

ping

POiNG!

pung.

no its ping frizy got it rit
i want to go to the mooon just lik arlbetc
im going to draw som pikturs now
by evryon

I want to be in the Church of the True Weevil. Please.

I support of my application I cite my work amongst the Xanadu Disco weevil. These weevils compete in a dance off for the final prize of a disco ball full of marzipan gin. Research continues into methods of scoring, doubles competitions and of course, who made those weevil roller skates in the first place.
Support from the Church of the true Weevil would be invaluable and I submit this application humbly for your consideration.

Kind Regards
Achmed the Brown.