h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hi,

You have a cool researcher number! Ho hum, just thought I'd say that. Is that really true about the ship named Friday?! Well, see ya around,

Alison

Hey Alison
Great to meet you. You as well have a fantastic number. ish. And yes, the H.M.S. Friday is a true story indeed. (98 and three quarters percent guaranteed!)...(Sorry, just read my brother some Dr. Seuss over the phone. (Telly for you...)) You would be surprised how much cool stuff you can find by going to a library and asking for the least-checked out books. That is one of my ...well, not favorite, umm, actually I just did it once and came up with a history of nautical...history. Er. But I recommend it. If it's rainy out. (I'm from Seattle, it's always rainy.) I apologise for all the ...'s and ()'s in the letter (I usually don't use so many) but I'm still lit from a party last night and thinking is a little low on my priority list right now. Ordinarily typing would be as well, but I saw that I had been written a letter, get this... (Dang!did it again...(Dang!etc.))42 minutes ago and couldn't resist a reply. Anyway, my friends are running through the sprinkler outside and I don't want to be left out. I just hope the pesticide is diluted enough. Anyway, thanks again and talk to you soon. ...Well, talk in the sense of read and write. Yeah. L8r

"Some days you get the elevator; some days you get the shaft" (Random Quote Guild)

Running through the sprinkler eh? Sounds like fun! You seriously went up to your librarian and asked what the least checked out book was?! That's mad! You'd probably find out it was something in another language or something!!

I'm part of the Random Quotes Guild too! Are you in any other clubs and things on h2g2? Well, best be off, have fun!


"A fate worse than a fate worse than death? That sounds...pretty bad!"

(It's from a TV show called Blackadder, don't know if you know it, it is British...)

Mad like a fox, Alison! I've always rooted for the underdog. Like Charlie Brown's Christmas tree. I'm the guy that would get it just to give it a purpose. ...Not that (Dang, I told myself I wouldn't do that ...!) not that I felt sorry for the unused books or anything, but, it's kinda like Frost's poem about the road less traveled. You never know.
As for Blackadder, I am quite familiar. With it. Er. I have always liked Rowan Atkinson. Just saw his new movie "Johnny English". It was great. Couldn't stop laughing. though I was hung-over.
I need to say I don't actually drink much, but a friend from out of town is in town (?) and we are doing our best to not remember any of it!
Anyway, I have always been into British humor (I guess I should write humour, but whatever) like Adams and Pratchett, and TV like Red Dwarf and Monty Python. Hey need to share! (and my buddies couldn't care less, so I am taking the risk that you might...) ...(Dang, I'm sucking at this) I just heard that Terry Gilliam got the rights to do Good Omens. That will be one of the best movies EVER. Or it could tank. You never know. ...kinda like bagpipe music. It either rocks, or it's a mach 1 mugging. You never know.
Anyway, since bringing up bagpipe music is always the signal for the end of a conversation (as one sided as this is) I now have to let you go. ...Though for all I know you stopped reading as soon as you figured out that that Crazy American Boozer was back to stalking you in which case I have just wasted a good chunk of time for nothing other than the entertaining thought that perhaps you don't think I am a Crazy American Boozer at all........ (Sorry, was in desperate need of a period.) You never know.
Well, I'm gone. Need more batteries, stunguns don't live forever...

"I can't buy a pack of smokes without running into nine guys that you've F***ED!" (Random Quote Guild)
(Nothing personal, just watched The Boondock Saints again. Ciao.)

You're even more mad than I originally thought! Had to read your last post through several times before the majority of it actually made sense! I do think you're a crazy american boozer, but don't worry - I won't hold it against you!

Yeah, Rowan Atkinson is funny, especially in Blackadder. I haven't seen Johnny English, maybe I will watch it when it comes out on video. And yes, you should write 'humour'!!

Errr, sorry, I think I might disappoint you here - but I don't know what Good Omens is. Sorry! I'm sure that is really great news though... errr.....

Yeah so anyway! Is your friend still over or have you sobered up a bit now?! Lol! So anyway, I have to go. Catch you later!

heya alison. hope all is well. ...just realized i haven't been using the shift key. sorry. guess that answers the question of whether or not i've sobered. he's still in town until sunday. hope you can cope. my liver sure can't. this is strangely liberating, not having to press two keys to begin a sentence. i think i'll shun the shift key from now on. maybe i'll stop using the space key someday, butfornowi'lljuststickwithshift. dang, that is harder to do than i thought. the habit is so engrained to push space after everything. i think i here pavlov ringing his bell again. hey, this is cool, i used to have a dog named pavlov. i also had a cat named schroedinger. it's funny if you understand it. you have any pets?
speaking of funny, good omens is a book written by terry pratchett and neil gaiman. it is one book among only a few that i would recommend to anyone to read without even knowing them. it is about the anti-christ coming to earth and bringing about the apocalypse. but, not. probably some of the funniest stuff i've ever read. you should get a copy. and read it. i've been reading a lot of neil gaiman lately. just finished one called american gods. it was great. beer makes the world go round, eh/

i'm feeling strange, so in this case it probably indicates a return to sobriety. hang on, yeah. i can lie on the floor without having to hold on now. better wake up newt so we can go do something stupid. newt = my friend. named newton. ...i don't remember his first name. and he knows monty python's holy grail script by heart so we call him newt. as in 'she turned me into a'.

did you know you can get ticketed for reckless driving by going down a highway in reverse/ ...that should be a question mark but i can't access it without pushing shift. play along.

good times. gotta go. mtfbwu

'you're a medal of honor winner. incidentally, congratulations'
-random quote guild-

Hi Dan, yeah I'm fine, how about you? Did you guys go out and do something stupid?! Lol, don't worry about not using the shift key - I'm used to it as my boyfriend *never* types capital letters, except when he's writing his name! I know what you mean about not being able to not use the spacebar (?! I *think* that was right!), it is so well engrained.

I like the names for your dog and cat!! Yeah, I do understand it. I did A level psychology for the past 2 years so we did loads of stuff about Pavlov! We have a rabbit. She's called Mittens cos she's grey all over except for her front paws which are white. So she looks like she's wearing mittens! Geddit!?!

I looked up Good Omens on amazon. It got really good reviews! But then, I guess, you wouldn't really bother reviewing a book unless you really loved it! Maybe. I dunno. This is the kind of thing I would do a psychology study of... if I still did psychology! Muhahahaha! Sorry, got a bit carried away there. It's just that I'm going away to uni in September and it'll be quite cool to get away from everything school-related!!

You don't remember your friend's first name?!?! What kind of a friend does that make you?! Lol!

For going down the highway in reverse? Really?! No kidding! (Sarcasm, in case you couldn't tell over the internet!)

So what does mtfbwu mean then? And where was your quote from? See ya!

OK, guess you don't spend much time in nerd chatrooms. MTFBWU, for all you StarWars fans out there... you got it. (May the Force be with You! Eesh. ) The quote I used was from a movie based on a book entitled "The Manchurian Candidate". One of my favorites, (and if you've seen it, the reason I carry a queen of hearts in my wallet. Right next to the ace of spades...) If you haven't seen it, it is Angela Lansbury 'encouraging' her son to become political. You need to see it. And read Good Omens. *Oops, that's not until later. If you haven't figured it out yet, I'm responding to your letter in REVERSE! HA.

Where was I? Ahh yes, reverse. Me so funny. Yeah, something about no brakelights at the rear of the vehicle (since it is actually the front). We were using our brights whenever we braked, but the police didn't seem to buy it. Grr.

Anyway, novchjk

ummm, sorry about that. I heard the ice cream truck go by, and accidentally hit some keys and posted in my mirthful state. Sue me, I dig ice cream. Anyway, would a rose by any other name smell as sweet? Yeah, that's right. No, I don't know my friends name, because he's Newt. I haven't been called Dan since I was about 10 years old. Even my parents call me by my last name. It's pretty much all I respond to, anymore. That, and Joe Willy. It DOES make sense when you get the story. The guys on my boat gave it to me. So are you Alison, or Ali, or Alley, or what? Not that I'm so lazy as to try to shorten my writing Alison, but hey, You may be Newt. But in the sense of whatever You are.

Don't really remember what else you talked about. Ahh yes. Mittens the Rabbit. Awww. Enough of that. Yeah, great book, Good Omens. Very well written. Good time.

So studying Geography (of all things!?!) requires lots of, umm, psychology. Alright. I believe. ...yeah. Not that I'm knocking it! I've learned my lesson. <--- story


But for now I gotta go. A local theater (theatre, feel better?) is playing The Rocky Horror Picture Show tonight at midnight, and Newt needs some new fishnet stockings. Ooh, we also need to buy some rice. You ever been to a showing? Crazy stuff. Another reason I carry a queen of diamonds and ace of spades...

"Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the WarRoom!" (Random Quote Guild)

Yes, saying that I don't spend much time in nerd chatrooms would be an accurate observation about me! Omg, I didn't realise that the reason you knew about getting a ticket for the reverse driving thing was because you had actually DONE it!! Sheesh, you do find some weirdos on the net... *Ahem* Did I say that out loud...?!

Sorry to call you Dan! It's just that you put it on your personal space! So what is your last name then? And you can't just tell me that you have the nickname Joe Willy without explaining the story!! You just don't do that to a person! It's like saying "I have a secret..." and then refusing to tell!! I'm either Alison or Ali - mainly the latter to people who know me better, but I'm not particularly bothered. You can call me either!

Yes, geography, hmmmm.... People keep telling me I should be a geography teacher. In fact, people keep telling me it's my *destiny* to become a geography teacher! I can't think of anything I'd rather do less! Okay, so I can think of quite a few things I'd rather do less.... but that's not the point! I'm not sure quite what the point is, but as soon as I remember it I'll.... probably forget it again. Hmm. Oh well.

Ah. I seem to have adopted your habit of putting lots of '...'s in everywhere. Arrgh! It's contagious!! Sorry, it's late here (quarter to 1 am) so I'm in a bit of a weird mood. Probably should go to bed now. See ya later!

PS. Fishnet stockings eh? Did you find some?!

Told you we were engaged in stupid activities. Believe me now? $58 for that dang ticket! Anyway, our charlatanism caught up with us today. Things at the show went well. Newter looked splendid doing the timewarp. But after that I lost track of him, and reality. Woke up in a parking lot, and after a quick inventory check got a ride home with another buddy. His name's R-17. I got a ride, because Newt wound up with my car and got lost somewhere. ...still haven't seen him. Anyway, get home and my girlfriend is pissed because I'm neglecting her and la dee da. She skips all the hail Marys and goes right for the jugular. Takes me shopping. With 3 of her girlfriends. Don't think I've ever hated life more. Let the &^%$ punishment fit the crime, for pete's sake! Probably 5 minutes of intelligent conversation all day long and most of that was a phone call from Newt saying he had my car. So carrying all these bags around without a beer shield to dampen the effects got me kinda depressed. Sorry if I seem whiny.

Anyway, I work on a submarine. I am a mechanic. I make steam and use it to spin several large turbines to make boat move and make light. Turbines which need lubrication. Provided by, you guessed it, oil. Which needs to be purified.

So I start up this purifier one day. It is a big centrifuge, water on outer part inside of cylinder, oil goes up middle, dirt gets flung out of oil into water against the walls, clean oil comes out top. Now, say for a moment you remove the water. That's right, oil spill. And if say, you spill about 100 gallons (I don't know the Liter equivalent. Or care, sorry.) of oil into the bilge, it will look like a LARGE oil spill. Like the Exxon Valdez oil spill. The EV captianed by Joe Hazelwood. There's Joe.

My last name I will now tell you, but KNOW that if I get even one chain letter from Hemp Handstand or whereever it is... I will, umm. do something evil. HAA. My name is Claeys. Spoken like clay in a plural sense. Say it with me, Claeys. Good. Not being any kind of baseball fan, I was quickly associated with Willy Mays. (Willy Claeys, that's right!) I've always preferred Cassius Claeys (Muhummad Ali) but Willy it was. Thus, to this day I am Joe Willy, or Willy C. But I only ever respond to Claeys. Swerve.

Anyway, that's me in a nutshell (Appropriate as ever...) and i gotta go cry in my room now. C you real soon. K-E-Y?Bec* ahem, sorry.

Claeys

"I chose not to choose life. I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you've got heroin?" (Random Quote Guild)

Hi! Sorry I haven't replied in a while! I went to the fair on Saturday night (despite the fact that it was pouring down with rain!) which was really fun although ever so slightly wet, and I was at work on Sunday, and my boyfriend came over today, so.... okay they're not really excuses. Why do I feel the need to make excuses for not replying to you?! You're just some guy on the internet on the other side of the world who I'm never gonna meet! (No offence intended )

Omg, your girlfriend made you go shopping with her and her friends?!?! That's absolutely terrible, you shouldn't have to stand for that!! Awww, poor you

Hemp Handstand! Lol, I like it! I might have to start calling it that! Next time I have to fill in a form that doesn't actually matter (like applying for a new email account or something. I mean, why would I want them to have my real address anyway?!), I'm so putting my address as Hemp Handstand!!

Anyway, got to go get ready. I'm going out with some friends tonight to this hill near us called Ivinghoe Beacon to fly kites or have a picnic or something.... Should be fun eh?! Lol, see you later!

Apology accepted. No really, though, it's not like I sit around pressing refresh every five minutes to see if a new message has come through. (*sob) REALLY. ?.

Well, I'm all alone again. Well, not that SHE left me, mind you, but Newt. We went skydiving on Sunday morning. He had never been. It was a beautiful day. He had a blast. He tandom jumped with this really hot instructor babe. Nothing better than plunging to earth with a hottie strapped to your back. Almost makes a chute failure worth it, just to go out like that. You ever been? You should try it. Beats flyin' a kite anyday...

Which is not to say I don't hope you have fun... I'm all about picnics. And ants. Teehee, Ahem, sorry.

So working at a bar, huh? You do mixed drinks, or just tap stuff? What's your favorite (assuming you do mixed drinks)? What's the best way to pick up someone working at a bar? Sorry, but it's kind of an unknown field in my circle of friends...

Got a good joke, want to hear it? Course not, 'cause all I can think of at the moment are bar jokes. Whatever.

Gotta go. Giving a buddy a ride to the airport. He's going home. Bet you care. L8r. Claeys


"Become vengence, David. Become Wrath."
(Random Quote Guild)

Hi Claeys, how's it going? Yeah, I read in your journal that you'd been skydiving. No, I've never done it. A friend of mine did last year for charity, she said it was really good. I liked your quote about it! I've got another one: "If at first you don't succeed.... then skydiving isn't for you!"

Kite flying was really fun last night! We bought a Bob the Builder kite for £1! Bargain!! Bob the Builder, in case you didn't know, is a children's TV character who had a single that made Christmas number 1 in 2000! Quite an achievement considering he's made of plasticine!!

Great, thinking about that has got that song in my head. How annoying.

Anyway.... Yes. Working in a bar. Yeah, we do mixed drinks. The cocktails are the most fun to make up - they're all pretty colours! Lol, things like this amuse me okay?! The best way to pick up someone working at a bar...? Hmmm, it's never happened to me! But the one thing I would say (and this may sound like stupid advice considering you're in a bar in the first place!) is don't be really drunk! Cos barstaff see really drunk people all the time and it starts to just be annoying after a while. The other week this really drunk guy in our pub tried to give me a flower. Except it was just one of the flowers out of the vases on the tables! And he goes to me "Here have a rose..." and this other guy that was with him goes "Err, that's carnation!" Ahhh, I had to laugh! At him though, lol!

Anyway, I'm off on holiday on Thursday to Scotland to visit my gran. So after tomorrow I won't be able to talk to you for a week. Oh no, how will you cope without me?! *Ahem* Sorry, I think I was getting a little carried away there. So yeah, see ya!

Hey Alison
I was going to wait until tomorrow to write, to add credibility to me not being a pathetic slave to my computer, but seeing that I'm about to lose my Ali fix for a week, I decided to take one last hit.

Glad was I to hear that you had fun flying with Bob. Hehe, * what was I saying? Sorry, bob...nevermind.

Anyhoo, hope you have a great time, even if it is in Scotland. Hope your gran is on the good end of the spectrum. *Of course I know what a gran is. Don't be silly. Er.

Okay, now that my mind is traveling down that road, I have a few questions. What is a wanker? I think I have the hang of shite, and I know a flat is actually an apartment, and after much confusion I found that you call cigarettes 'fags' ("Hey, let me suck on the butt of that faggot!" Means,...something else stateside.), but what is a wanker? A conjugation of the verb, To Wank? Next question then...

And what about bloody? I know what I think it means, and have been there a time or five, but youze guyz seem to use it whenever you feel like it. That the case?

Don't be really drunk, huh? So THAT'S what we've been doing wrong all this time! Oh well, guess I won't be picking up any barmaids, umm, ever. Righty-O gotta go. Make sure you pack your towel!

"Let's get down to brass tacks. How much for the ape?" (Random quote guild)

Oh believe me, the towel was the first thing to go in my bag!

Oooh, don't get me started on my Gran! I really don't get on with her that well! I actually really don't wanna go, but you know what it's like, having to visit family etc. In the summer though, she stays in a caravan which is right near the beach so that's quite nice I guess. And she usually buys us nice food so that's another good thing!

Erm, well a wanker is technically a guy who masturbates! So yes, a conjugation of the verb to wank!! But it's come to just be an insulting term. Like bastard or something. Bloody is just another swear word that generally adds emphasis to whatever you're saying eg at work: "Grrr, bloody customers!" Heard quite frequently! Yeah, I guess we do use it a lot. But on the other hand, I think that is a particular steotype of the British. That we all wear bowler hats and we always drink tea and we all know the Queen and we say bloody all the time!

Another drunk guy tried to chat me up at a bar today, and I wasn't even working, it was in a different pub! He told me I was gorgeous and I just sorta said yeah yeah and ignored him cos he was drunk. And he then goes "Sorry, I was only joking". I was like "Oh, charming!!"

Anyway, have a great week! I'll talk to you when I get back

Ali

You really know the queen? WOW! That is so cool. I always just thought that Ahhh, okay. Umm, yeah, 'course I was just joking. Ahem.

Anyway I know that you are not around what with visiting your gran and all, but I am sorta in the habit of whacking out a reply whenever a post comes through, and felt like writing anyway...gets me out of work. Actually it is more work than I typically DO on any given day, but it gets me away from it. Ish.

Speaking of which, I take it gran is grandmother? Yes? I was trying to scare that out, but you didn't exactly take the bait. Best laid plans...

So since Wanker has "come to just be an insulting term" than it used to not be? Not that I'm asking. Swerve.

Whatever. I'm spent. Gotta take a break now. Probably wake up in a few hours and go get drunk. My day is made!

*and watch out for those scottish guys. If any of 'em ask you anything about a caber toss... just turn 'em down!

"Don't knock masturbation! It's sex with someone I love!"
(Random Quote Guild)

Heya Ali
Hope you had a good enough time up in the Highlands. So is it true what the guys don't wear under their kilts? Not that I expect you to have found out or anything...I'll stop now.

Yeah, kinda had a big change in my life today. You can see all about it on my space.

I would tell you I will check in tomorrow (the 7th), but I'd hate for you to feel obligated to write after you just got back. But feel free to write at some point. I will check. And eventually when I get into a house and once again become a cog in some soulless corporate machine, I can begin to visit with my legendary pathetic regularity. OOOh, that would work good in a limmerick. I got wrapped up in a thread that conversates only in limmericks. Pretty fun, but can be hard trying to get the meaning across, sometimes. Whatever.

Anyway, I'll be heading out across country in the next couple days... sortof a walk the earth kinda thing. "You know, travel from place to place, meet people, get in adventures..." (Pulp Fiction) Probably just do that for a month or so.

So to that end, I gotta go. Car needs an oil change, la te da bunch of other stuff. Gotta take my girl out one last time. We don't know what's going to happen. She doesn't want to uproot. Whatever.

...how's England this time of year? Nice? maybe I'll travel. I've been wanting to go to Austrailia. Who knows? You ever travel? *yeah, Scotland, right. Smarta**

Claeys the civilian

"How is it you're headed West?
Well, we started off facing North, and then, real subtle-like, turned left." (Random Quote Guild)

Yeah of course I know the Queen, I go round to Buckingham Palace most weekends, pet the corgis, y'know... Lol, yes, of course I am joking too!

Scotland wasn't too bad. Although on the other hand, I'm glad I don't have to go back for a while! Yes, Gran is short for Grandmother.

So you've left the Navy huh? How come - was that because you wanted to travel, or your time was just up or what?! Lol, call me stupid, but I'm not exactly sure how these things work!! So... I don't know when you'll read this. Have fun travelling. England is gorgeous this time of year! It is soooo hot today! I'm melting!!

So yeah, guess I'll see ya later....

Ali

Hey Alison, I was hoping you'd written. Sorry I missed you...swerve. Glad you had a good time in Scotland. I am doing great. I think calling you stupid is a little strong, but they (Navy) don't just let you out when you want to do something. In my vernacular, my sentence was commuted. Did my time. Went to Charleston to see some friends, and now I'm in Atlanta. Never been there. Gonna check it out, then go ...no idea. Somewhere.

Anyhoo, R-17 was supposed to tell you that you are on my Friend list. Not really an ask permission thing, but since he didn't do it, umm, hey! You are a friend. ish. Cool?

Gotta go. I'll talk to you in a few days. Not that I'm flying to England or anything, just talk like this. read. grr.

...what is a bint? I read that in a book one time. Context seemed to mean female. help? Why do you do that? Hmm? Nothing. What? Sorry.